He smiled faintly and dragged an old wooden chair to her bedside. It creaked when he sat. “No. Only whether to send you home.”
“Ah.” She swallowed and winced. “There was a hound last night...” She remembered seeing that black shape lying amongst the slaughtered demons. She remembered the pain that’d sliced through her at the thought that it could be Fen.
He poured her a glass of water. “It was Ben. His takedown technique needs a little work, but he’ll be fine. Everyone made it.”
He waved her up and she scooted her butt back on the mattress, holding the sheet around her body and tucking the ends in behind her. Setting the pillow on end, she leaned against the headboard and took the glass. Nothing had ever tasted better than that tap water with half-melted slivers of ice. She closed her eyes to savor the pure poetry of it.
“Kathy and Lois went out to the fault this morning. They say it’s good for now.” He huffed a soft laugh. “Kathy says it’s better than it was, but Lois won’t agree with her. Those two are like cats in a bag.”
She could imagine. She turned her head and opened one eye. Fen leaned back in the chair, legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankle. His hands rested on his flat belly.
“I’m a real witch now.”
He inclined his head. “So you are, Pinocchio.”
She rubbed at her face. “I screwed up really bad.”
He said nothing—a world of comment coming from Fen. After they both sat pondering the awesome stupidity of her actions for a few silent moments, he said, “What the hell happened, Rocky?”
“I tested the runes like we’d planned.”
“Like hell you did. We didn’t plan that. We sure as hell didn’t plan on you trying it alone.” She’d never heard his voice so hard and bit back a response, reminding herself that he had every right to be angry.
She’d taken precautions with the circle, used washable marker like they had the other night. But she should have known better. The runes... She pushed aside her blanket and lifted her knee. She could feel Fen’s body stiffen without having to look at him. She almost tugged the blanket back but it was too late and she wanted to see the damage anyway. A loose bandage was taped to her thigh. She worked a nail under the corner and peeled the edge up. Fen rocked forward to get a look. It looked like a brand. Her skin was pink and puffy. The runes themselves were black and oozing, although that might have been some kind of ointment.
“Alan didn’t even try to heal it. He didn’t know how the runes would react to his magic, said that the shoulder was tricky enough.” He tilted his head. “I would have picked the back of your shoulder for the tattoo, right about where the exit wound was.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be permanent.”
“That’s not even my design.”
She blinked back tears. “Your design was beautiful.” It had been. Same runes, same alignment but his marks had been smaller, cleaner with a knotted circle surrounding everything that made it art.
“Hey,” he said gently. She looked up, flinched away from the concern in his eyes. “Are you okay?”
She shook her head. “I’m an idiot.”
“You did a stupid thing. You could have killed yourself.”
She could have killed more than just her. “I’m s-sorry about Ben.”
He left his chair and sat on the edge of her bed. He started to reach for her but then only touched her hair. The lightest drift of his fingers that tickled her scalp. “Ben’s young. He’ll bounce back.” His voice took on a wry note. “I need to teach him to bounce.”
“I didn’t think I would break the circle. I never would have done it if I thought there was even the smallest chance of it affecting the portal. But I should have waited. You’re right, and I know it.”
She couldn’t decipher the mess of emotions that crossed his face. “Maybe you shouldn’t have taken the risk at all. We could have found another witch.”
She frowned. “I’m not sorry that the runes worked. I would have taken the risk for myself. I
“You destroyed what Kathy says was a self-protective block
Maybe the pressure from Lois was the trigger that pushed her past the breaking point, but she was tired of being deadweight. She had been for a long time. The people of her own clan alternately resented or pitied her and she didn’t want that here. More than that though, she was tired of being split inside, broken, of being separated from her gift. It was past time for her to grow up, to be the person she knew she could be and stop accepting less. She hated the way it had happened and would do everything in her power to make it right for his clan whether they sent her home in shame or not. But in the end, this hadn’t really been about them.
It was about her.
“Kathy kept me from trying this for years, Fen. She always said that I couldn’t do it, that I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t the pressure from your clan or Christian,” she said quietly. “I did this for me.”
His mouth twisted. “You were fine the way you were.”
“This is who I want to be.”
Who she was meant to be. She could feel it inside her, the big still lake of power that had always been there. But now she could walk right up to the bank and dip her hand in the water. She could fucking swim in it if she wanted to. And it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Despite all her aches and pains, the people arguing downstairs and the dark look Fen was giving her now, inside everything was exactly as it should be.
Almost.
“I’m not going to marry Christian.”
Fen didn’t say anything for a long time. When he spoke, his voice was low and rough. “When you decide to take down walls, you go right for the dynamite, don’t you?”
“It’s not right to marry him, not with the way I feel about you.”
His jaw set so tight she could see a muscle twitch in his cheek. She wanted to know badly what he was trying so hard not to say. “And if I don’t feel that way about you?”
“It’s still not right to marry him until I’m sure, arranged marriage or not.”
“I’ll be your friend, Rocky, but I won’t be more.”
That hurt, sliced right into her as sharp and cold as the knife had. Even if Fen didn’t return the sentiment, she shouldn’t be struggling with these feelings while getting ready to marry another man. Christian deserved better and so did she. She cleared her throat, but her voice still came out a whisper. “It’s still not right.”
“Rocky...” He shook his head. “Don’t marry Christian if you’ll be unhappy. I told you once that I didn’t want to see you or him trapped and I meant it. We’ll find a way around the contract, but you can’t leave him for me. Do you understand? How could he see that as anything but a betrayal?”
“Let’s ask him and find out.”
“You respect him. You like him. You were prepared to go through with the contract.”
“Yes.”
“You’ve known me two weeks.”
“But I
He hesitated but didn’t deny the weird way they’d become instant friends. Like two pieces of a puzzle clicking in place. “You can’t know that,” he said finally. “If not for me, would you want him?”
“Not like this.” Would she have gone through with the contract? Maybe before she realized how big a sacrifice she was making. But she couldn’t do it now.
“There are only two choices for a hound. Abstinence or slavery. There is no halfway.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” He winced, and it was as if his face crumpled beneath an outside force. She was that outside force, pressing in on him, forcing him to face this. “Fuck. Don’t even answer that. It doesn’t matter. None of this does. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation.”
“Fen—”
He stood abruptly and glanced at the door. At first she thought he’d heard someone on the stairs but then realized he was only preparing to run. Before he did, his gaze locked on hers and she choked down a whimper.
