TIme After Time

apparently she didn’t hear me the first time.

“Bennett…” she says, almost under her breath. “Anna’s stuck there waiting for you.” She gives me this sad look, like she’s upset about what happened between the two of us. But then she says, “How could—” and stops without finishing her thought. But she doesn’t have to say another word. All I have to do is look at her, and even though I’ve never seen this expression on her face before, I know exactly what she’s thinking. She’s ashamed of me. And she should be. She’s right. How could I have done that to Anna?

I need to go. Now. Besides, I’ve been missing her like crazy tonight.

Without giving myself any more time to think about it, I grab my wool coat off the backseat and pull my arms into it. Closing my eyes, I picture the one place I know I’ll find Anna completely alone.

34

The sun is barely peeking over the horizon when I arrive at the Northwestern University track. Unlike all the times I was here before, there’s just a light dusting of snow on the metal benches, and when I take my hand to brush it clean, it flutters into the wind, flying away in all directions.

I see Anna right away. She’s down on the track, speeding around the curves, her legs reaching out in long strides, her arms pumping hard by her sides. I don’t know what she’s listening to on her Discman but I can see her lips moving and that makes me smile.

She comes around the bend to the long edge of the track, facing me, but her eyes are fixed on the ground like she’s lost in thought. I don’t move, but something must get her attention, because just as she’s about to turn the next bend, she steals a glance into the bleachers.

She spots me, but it takes a few seconds for it to register. She slows her pace to jog and stops at the base of the stairs, squinting up at me like it’s totally possible that her mind is playing tricks on her. I lift my hand and wave.

Anna bolts up the stairs, taking them two at a time, but when she reaches the fourth row, she stops and doesn’t come any closer. I can tell from the look on her face I should stay where I am.

“What are you doing here?” She takes her headphones off and wraps them around the back of her neck, never taking her eyes off me. “I thought you were coming for Christmas. That’s still four days away.” Her voice sounds wobbly and not at all like hers.

“So did I. But…this couldn’t wait.”

Anna looks around the track, then back at me. She presses her lips into a thin line. “What couldn’t wait?”

“I owe you a massive apology.” I brush the snow off the bench next to me. “Do you want to sit down?”

She walks toward me but stops short. Hugging her arms to her chest, she looks down at the icy bench and shakes her head no.

“I just wanted to say how sorry I am about that day…at the hospital…I was so…I don’t know why I got so angry.”

She sighs. “I wish you’d let me explain,” she says quietly.

It’s clear from the determined look on her face that she has something important to tell me, so even though I don’t think she owes me an explanation at all, I sit quietly and let her speak.

“I didn’t mean to push you so hard to do things over. I was never trying to get you to change your rules or change…anything about who you are. That’s the last thing I’d ever want.” She plays with her fingernails as she shifts her weight from one leg to the other. “I guess I’m just…fascinated. Not just by what you can do, but by…” She looks out toward the track and covers her face with her hand. “Wow. I thought I had a few more days to get this speech down. This really isn’t coming out the way I thought it would.”

It feels strange to be this close and not touch her. I lean forward onto my thighs and smile at her. “I think it’s coming out fine.” She slides her hand down but keeps her mouth covered. Still, I can tell from her eyes that she’s smiling too.

“Go on.… You were saying something about being fascinated.” I scoot a little closer to her, but she keeps her feet planted in the snow and starts fidgeting with her headphone wires, wrapping and unwrapping the cord around her finger.

And suddenly, she stops moving and looks straight at me. “I’m in love with everything about you.”

Her words make me suck in my breath, and when I look into her eyes, I see something I haven’t noticed in a while—this look of pure understanding that reminds me why I told her my secret in the first place. That sense of wonder, how she looked at me like she couldn’t know me well enough.

I can’t take the distance any longer. I scoot over on the bench and the snow collects on my jeans. “Come here.” I pull her closer, parting my legs so she can stand in between them, and she rests her forearms on my shoulders and looks down at me.

“I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard to do things over again. I mean, I’m glad Emma’s okay and I’ll always be grateful to you for making that happen, but…it was wrong of me to force you to do it.”

“You weren’t wrong and you certainly didn’t force me to do anything.” My fingers settle on her hips. “I was as curious as you were, and I knew what I was doing. I never should have blamed you. I was just angry.”

“At me?” she asks.

“No. At myself.”

I grip her hips a little bit tighter and let my head fall forward until it rests against her stomach. “You know what I’ve been thinking lately?”

“Hmm?” Her fingers find my hair and I close my eyes. I’ve missed the way she touches me.

“I wish I could fly.”

Her stomach rises when she laughs. “You want to fly now too?”

“No,” I clarify. “Not in addition to, instead of.”

“Why would you want to fly?”

I keep my eyes focused on the ground as my thumbs trace slow circles at her waist. “No one ever said, ‘You really shouldn’t fly’ or ‘Think of all the problems you could cause if you could fly,’ right? You cruise around, check out the view, and come back down. Great power, none of the responsibility.”

“I have a feeling you’d be bored just flying around all the time.” I’m still looking down at our feet, but I can hear the smile in her voice.

“Maybe. But I also wouldn’t have to worry about inadvertently changing the past. Or accidentally bumping into another me and sending the younger one back where he belongs.”

She combs her fingers through my hair again. “You liked it, didn’t you?” she asks. “The do-overs.”

I pull my head away so I can see her face, and her hands settle on my shoulders again. They feel good there too. She takes another small step closer.

“Yeah…I did. I liked what you said about second chances. For a while there, it almost felt like I was supposed to do it, you know? It felt…almost…right.” I shake my head. “I’d do it again. I’d go back for Emma and those kids. If I could have helped your dad, I would have.”

Anna lifts my chin up and forces me to look at her. “You did help.”

I don’t say anything.

“Is he the real reason you don’t think you should come back here anymore?”

I nod, even though he’s only part of it. “I don’t think this is right.”

“For you or for me?”

“For everyone.” I try to block out the vision of her in the driveway ten years from now, looking up at a guy who isn’t me but makes her smile the same way I do. “But, I guess, especially for you.”

She lets out a heavy sigh. “You seem to think you’re somehow responsible for my future.” I start to respond but she puts her finger to my lips. “Listen to me. Please, don’t say anything. You are not responsible for my future, Bennett.”

Sure I am. It would be totally different if I’d never come here.

“It’s mine.”