Shadow

Mom was gone. Could we just stop trying to fix it for a minute? It couldn’t be fixed. Shipping me overseas wouldn’t make my life better. It would just make me vanish, tucked away where no one could look at me and feel awkward. Was Nan even on my side? Her eyes were tired and sad. I knew she loved me, but I also knew she wasn’t really seeing me. She was seeing Mom, and having her close but out of reach was hurting her.

God, I felt so alone. I was alone. This sore, horrible aching in my chest like I would just fall into pieces. All I wanted was to disappear.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. Almost all the guests had left from the memorial, ready to get back to their real lives.

This was the only life I had left. And it was falling apart.

A second, louder knock came, and before I could answer it, my door swung open to Aunt Diane, standing there with a worried look on her face.

“Hey,” she said.

I slumped down onto my bed, the energy knocked out of me. What kind of guardian would Aunt Diane be anyway? I knew so little about her.

Nan sat down beside me, patting my leg as I stared at the ceiling.

“So...you know, huh?” Diane said.

“I don’t get it,” I said. “Mom never wanted to go to Japan. Why would she send me?”

“I think she was more concerned that you be with someone who loves you and can take care of you,” Nan said. “Diane will look after you, Katie.”

Can’t you do that? I thought. Don’t you love me? You wouldn’t do this to me if you did.

I figure you’re allowed to be childish when you’ve lost everything.

“I know it’s been hard to spend time together, Katie,” Diane added. “But we’re family, and I want to do what I can to help you.”

“Then let me live with Nan,” I snapped.

Nan moved her reassuring hand from my leg. “Katie.”

“It’s okay, Mom,” Diane said. “She has a right to be upset. Katie, you know Nan and Gramps really can’t handle any big changes right now. Let’s just work it out for a bit until Gramps is better, okay?”

“I don’t want to,” I said, and Diane’s face fell. Okay, so I felt a little guilty about acting five, but my life was crumbling before my eyes. It was my only way to fight back. “Look, Aunt Diane, it’s nothing personal, but I don’t even know Japanese. I mean, past Hello Kitty and sushi, I really have no clue.”

“Just Diane,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I never got the hang of that aunt thing. And it’s okay. I know you’ll pick it up quickly. I’ll help you, and you can enroll in cram school, too.”

“I can’t,” I snapped, but what I meant was, I’m afraid. Too much change, all at once. Sure, going to Japan was exciting, but not if you’re going because your mom is dead and nobody wants you. I just wanted Mom. That’s all. Not exile to the other side of the world.

And the conversation I’d had with Mom hung over me like a dark cloud. It was the living-there-forever part of the talk swirling in my thoughts, Mom’s face when I’d wanted to take that vacation to Japan. What if you never come back? And now, to be told I was moving there—it was like some eerie prophecy of hers coming true, like something terrible was waiting for me there.

That was crazy, right? Because there was nothing more terrible than what had already happened to me. But why did I feel that way?

Nan and Diane looked at each other for a minute.

“Well,” Diane said cautiously. “What if you stay here?”

“Alone?” Nan and I said together.

“No, I mean with Linda. Just for a bit. The school year in Japan doesn’t start until the end of March, and I wouldn’t want to throw you in halfway through the year. Maybe we can wait to see if Gramps gets better? You’ll at least have a bit of time to figure out what you want to do.”

It was true Linda had offered to let me stay as long as I wanted, but I doubted she was thinking of adopting me for the rest of the year. It was one of those empty promises people make to you, like “let me know if you need anything” and “I know your mom’s in a better place.”

“What’s putting off the inevitable going to do?” I said.

“More time to decide,” Diane said. “It’s too sudden right now.”

“Yeah, but decide what? I don’t have any options.”

“I know,” Diane said, “but not having options doesn’t mean you don’t have choices.”

“Um...I don’t get it.”

Diane crouched in front of me, smelling of sweat and punch and appetizers from downstairs. “You can come to Japan filled with hope and confidence that you’ll make it work. Or you can be dragged because your life’s in tatters and none of us can fix it the way you want. And who knows, maybe this will all sort itself out and you’ll have choices you didn’t even realize you had. You still have choices, because you can decide how you face this. You can choose your next move, Katie. What do you think?”

I let Diane’s words soak into my thoughts. Stay here with Linda, living my life alone, in a way. The thought scared me as much as moving to Japan, but I wanted to hug her for suggesting it. At least she was treating me like an adult, like my life wasn’t being decided by some piece of paper. Like it actually belonged to me.

“Okay,” I said. “I want to stay with Linda for a while before I figure it out.” At least that way, my home would be across town. At least then I wouldn’t have to face the fact that Mom was gone for good.

Would everything hurt like this from now on? It was like I was caught in a storm, the rain so thick I couldn’t see anything around me. How was I supposed to make life decisions while drenched and disoriented?

“I’ll talk to Linda,” Nan said. “Katie, you know Gramps and I will do everything we can to get the custody papers in order as soon as he’s well, right? Japan is just temporary.”

Yeah, I thought. But how long is temporary? What if Gramps doesn’t get better?

I smiled feebly and Nan squeezed my hand, lifting herself slowly off the bed and stumbling down the hallway. She wasn’t well either—Diane and I could both see it.

“Thanks,” I said.

“You got it,” Diane answered. “And if and when you’re ready to come to Japan, I have a spare room that needs some decorating.”

I tried to smile. It came out hollow and fake. “Okay.”

“Listen,” she said, reaching for my hand. At the last minute, she pressed her fingers into the comforter instead. Maybe this whole thing was scary for her, too. “Let’s find a good Japanese class so you can start learning. Just in case. I mean, it’s something to take your mind off everything anyway, right?”

My room felt as stuffy as the living room had. I needed fresh air, or the walls would start rippling.

“Okay.” Anything. Just leave me alone. I need to be alone.

You are alone, Katie. You’ll be alone forever now.

“Katie.” Diane’s voice was steady. “Don’t try to do everything.”

“What do you mean?”

She stood up, ran a stiff hand through her tangled hair.

“I mean it’s okay to need help,” she said. “Let’s start small. I’m going to order some dinner. Chinese okay?”

I nodded, then fell back on my pillow. Diane backed out of the room and clicked the door closed behind her, the smell of cocktail weenies and rancid punch lingering in my room.

At least I could escape to my dreams, where Mom was still alive. Where I could choose what happened next.

It’s called running away, I told myself. Some choice.

Japan?

What if you never come back, Katie?

“You’re never coming back either, Mom,” I whispered, closing my eyes.