Smoke in the Wind

‘I am sorry that I allowed my fears to show.’ Eadulf paused and glanced quickly at her. ‘There were times when I felt they were justified.’

Fidelma’s features were suddenly pensive. ‘I have behaved very badly towards you, Eadulf. I should have treated you differently. I confess that I was trying to distance myself from you.’

Eadulf, to her surprise, nodded slowly. ‘I knew well what you were doing.’

Fidelma stared at him, slightly bewildered at his calm assertion of knowledge. ‘But you seemed to take every insult that I threw at you.’

‘As fearful and apprehensive as I was in the land of the Welisc, I knew that you were more uneasy and afraid. And you were not afraid of the Welisc.’

‘I think that you should explain that,’ she said, her voice slightly breathless with tension.

‘It’s an easy explanation. At Loch Garman, before we left the kingdom of Laigin, you finally admitted to your feelings for me and you made a decision to accompany me to Canterbury instead of returning to your brother’s kingdom. Do you think that I was unaware of how difficult that decision was? That I did not know how frightened you were of having made it? You have been racked with apprehension these last days. But it is in your character not to display your fear. You simply disguised it under a cloak of disdain and even derision towards me.’ Eadulf shrugged, his expression still serious. ‘I knew what was in your mind, Fidelma. You were testing me. You wanted to see if I might break and thus confirm that you had made the wrong decision. I was not going to make it so easy for you. If you want to change your mind then it must be by your own determination and not by mine. My mind in this matter is steadfast.’

Fidelma regarded him quietly for a moment or two before, impulsively, reaching out and placing her hand firmly in his.

‘I don’t think that I was doing it deliberately, Eadulf. Perhaps some unconscious impulse? But you are wise. I think my apprehension is cured. Will you forgive me for it?’

‘Fear comes from uncertainty. You have to be certain. Seneca wrote that where fear is, happiness has deserted that place.’

Fidelma looked solemn. ‘I agree. Fear is not a virtue. I am glad you tolerated my fear, Eadulf. I believe I am certain now. But if I grow uncertain, I vow to be honest and not let fear dictate. I have learnt by this experience.’

‘Speaking of learning,’ Eadulf smiled, shifting the conversation to a lighter note, ‘do you remember that you promised to tell me the meaning of that cheap metal finger ring hidden in that speckled cake that I ate the other night? I nearly cracked my teeth upon it.’

Fidelma coloured slightly. ‘Oh, it is only an old superstition, ’ she said in an attempt to dismiss the subject.

‘What sort of superstition?’ he pressed firmly.

Fidelma saw no easy way out of it. ‘At home, on the feast of Samhain, which Rome now calls the eve of All Hallows Day, it is our custom to serve the speckled bread — bairin breac, we call it. The Britons have the same custom and call the bread bara brith.’

‘But what does the ring in the bread symbolise?’ Eadulf demanded.

‘Well, when the speckled bread is being made, a ring and a hazel nut in its shell are mixed in with the dough. Whoever gets the portion of the speckled bread with the nut in it will remain unwed for the rest of their life.’

‘But I had the ring,’ he pointed out. ‘What happens to whoever gets the ring?’

‘It means that they will soon be married.’

Eadulf grinned in happy satisfaction. ‘That is a superstition I can live with. In fact, I think it is an excellent superstition.’

Fidelma inclined her head in thought for a moment, leaning against the rail of the ship. Then she reached into her marsupium.

‘I also had something in my piece of cake,’ she said quietly.

Her features were formed in a smile and so Eadulf did not observe the serious look in her eyes.

She held out the object in her hand and gradually opened her fist, palm upwards. A hazelnut lay on her palm.