about what goes on in a funeral home, and especially how much it is going to cost. My former employer probably won’t admit it, but there were many funerals at that funeral home because of my “pre-need” presentations. (When we are called for service upon the death of a loved one, that is considered “at-need.” When someone who is very much alive decides to arrange and pay for their funeral services before their own death, that is “pre-need.”)
Since I opened my funeral home in 2001, I have actively offered to speak to Veterans of Foreign Wars groups, retirement communities, and churches. Nearly every request I have made is positively acknowledged, and most every time an appointment is made for such a speaking engagement. For the first few seminars I conducted, I came prepared with a briefcase stuffed full of insurance applications, contracts, and ink pens, assuming I would be inundated with a new crop of customers. Alas, such is not the case. I have not once completed a sale at the conclusion of one of my seminars—most likely because folks are hesitant to attempt to complete such documentation in such a public forum, and I completely understand. Perhaps folks are concerned that their peers might overhear some of their answers to required questions, especially when a monetary amount is discussed.
However, just like billboard advertising, television advertising, ink pens, or business cards, a personal appearance seminar is a sure-fire seed planter. Even the informational brochures I hand out plant the seed in the potential customer’s mind to remember my funeral home when the need arises. I have had so many customers come to me to prearrange their funeral services because they attended one of my seminars two or three years earlier. A gentleman called recently to inform me of his wife’s death. During our initial conversation, he thanked me for being so informative when he and his late wife attended a pre-need presentation I had delivered three years prior at a Ford Motor Company retirees’ luncheon.
There are cases where funeral directors have woven their own networking webs by mingling at various civic functions, especially anything church related. Bingo nights at churches have long been golden opportunities for directors to press the flesh, hand out draft beer and Cokes, and always be certain to pause and fawn over the elderly ladies—who are the mouthpieces of their church. They quickly spread the word when they find a funeral director whom they consider nice.
One longtime director friend who has since died was once considered the area’s king of the church supper. He hit as many as possible on any given evening, and upon his departure, he would find the minister, thank him for his hospitality, and slip a crisp $50 bill into his palm—a huge sum in the 1940s. Which director do you suppose that minister recommended whenever a death in the church family occurred?
My elderly friend scored big in the 1950s with an ingenious promotional item, again targeting churchgoers. A traveling salesman was peddling high-priced grandfather-clock kits. He also had thirty large schoolhouse clocks stored in a warehouse, collecting dust, which he wished to dispose of. My friend proposed that if his funeral home’s name were painted on the clocks’ white faces, he would buy all thirty. Soon thirty local churches had new clocks positioned in their sanctuaries so that the clergy could see them clearly. Instead of glancing at their watches to be sure their sermons ended by noon, they glanced at the clocks—and at the same time etched the funeral home’s name in their minds.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Just what is a wake, anyway? What about a visitation? A viewing? A memorial service? Clarification is sometimes necessary when detailing funeral events.
A visitation, sometimes still referred to as a wake, which long ago meant staying awake to spend time with the deceased and his or her family, still involves the act of spending time. A visitation means that people visit and pay respects to the deceased and his or her surviving family members. Friends and associates of the deceased’s family come to the funeral home, sign the guest book, view the reposing deceased, and offer condolences to the family. Generally, most mourners leave after these obligatory acts, but other mourners will stay and have coffee, or just sit in the chapel for the entire visitation period. Also acceptable is
The traditional wake, staying up with the deceased, is still sometimes practiced today. In my area there are many Southern Pentecostal families, for whom all-night visitations are quite common. Two or three times each year we conduct them, usually at churches. We deliver the deceased by four o’clock, and the visitation continues until the funeral service takes place the following day. It’s noted in an obituary as follows: “Visitation after five o’clock Tuesday at the Church of Holy Grace until the time of the funeral service on Wednesday at eleven o’clock.”
Different religions have different rites. Sometimes referred to as “sitting shiva,” shiva is a Jewish burial rite consisting of friends visiting the home of a grieving family to offer condolences.
A funeral service or funeral ceremony is just what it says—a period of ritualistic actions, usually coordinated by a leader, to pay homage to one who has died, with his or her body present. A memorial service, or simply memorial, is much the same as a funeral service, only the body is not on-site. A memorial service is commonly conducted after someone has been cremated, as there is obviously no body to view.
Perhaps my thoughts on this subject are much ado about nothing, but I think that I should describe the services I perform daily with the utmost correctness, if for no other reason than respect. Funeral and burial rites can be conducted only one time for each person. If I attend to something improperly, I can’t exactly ask for a do- over.
I have noticed that newspaper writers enjoy taking poetic license by referring to a
But it’s when a feature writer writes an obituary for a celebrity or high-profile death that problems begin. Rarely do those obituaries end properly. They include such technical errors as saying that “funeral
My personal pet peeve, however, is when obits list the order of events in reverse, with the funeral service mentioned first and only then the visitation hours. Chronological order is far easier for readers to follow. Newspaper writers also commit errors that to me are unforgivable, such as misspelling
Funeral directors can sometimes be blamed for poor obituary writing; the director making the arrangements compiles and writes most of them. One common grammatical blunder is referring to certain relatives as brother- in-laws as opposed to brothers-in-law. But even well-meaning family members who try to assist in the compilation of obituary information are guilty of embarrassing snafus. A few people intentionally omit certain irritant brothers, sisters, or cousins. But others unwittingly hurt the feelings of grandchildren or siblings by referring to only one of them as “Mom’s favorite grandchild, Freddy,” or by saying, “survived by three sons, especially her special caregiver, Tom.”
Family members can cause all sorts of divisive issues.
When an individual dies at home, generally there is a houseful of people gathered at the bedside. This is a scene that a funeral director has to carefully observe and take in, because important conclusions can be drawn from it. Those present usually exhibit genuine sorrow. However, it is sometimes possible to detect that those sobbing at Grandma’s bedside are only upset that their gravy train has been derailed and they can’t borrow any more money from her.
When the family is assembled, they often tell me which day and time they want the visitation and funeral to
