pricey solid oak but some veneered knockoff. On her friend’s behalf, she expressed her suspicions to the funeral director, who merely pooh-poohed her concern, assigning it to both ladies being elderly, in grief, and perhaps experiencing fading eyesight. Mrs. Sparkman did not buy this explanation. However, her friend saw no need to pursue things further, chalking it up to one of life’s unpleasant experiences. Three years later, Mrs. Sparkman’s beloved husband of more than seventy years passed away. She shied away from the previous funeral home and called another in the same city. Her husband was to be shipped home to Delaware for burial, but a small gathering of her peers nudged her into holding a brief visitation. After selecting an expensive navy-blue, stainless-steel casket, she asked the funeral director to please leave the showroom so that she might be alone for a few moments. She took a lipstick from her purse, knelt down, and wrote her name on the bottom of the casket. At the viewing the next day, although heartbroken and grief stricken, she thoroughly inspected the casket again.
Sure enough, the same bait-and-switch had occurred. The blue model containing her husband Vernon was in no way of the same quality as the one shown to her just the day before. The finish was duller, the handles were different, and the interior was not velvet but a lesser-quality crepe—with no sign of the clandestinely applied lipstick signature underneath. Mrs. Sparkman asked the funeral director to roll the original into the chapel so that the two sat side by side. Even with poor eyesight, all assembled could recognize what had taken place, and Mrs. Sparkman was informed there would be no charge for either the casket or the services.
“The goods and services shown in this general price list are those we can provide to our customers. You may choose only the items you desire. However, any funeral arrangements you select include a charge for our basic services and overhead. If legal or other requirements mean that you must purchase an item you did not specifically ask for, we will explain the reason in writing on the statement we provide describing the funeral goods and services you selected.” These words (or similar words to that effect) are the approved FTC explanation that must appear on any funeral home’s general price list. It also includes what is known as the non-declinable charge, an arbitrary amount that homes generally ratchet up by several hundred dollars more than necessary to cover overhead expenses such as rent, insurance, building maintenance, etc. All others are piecemeal—so much for embalming, so much for a hearse, and so on. The FTC Funeral Rule, designed to shield consumers from being overcharged, did just the opposite; it allowed funeral homes to attach the non-declinable fee to each arrangement.
Since the FTC mandates that all funeral homes must not only disclose prices but also offer a general price list to anyone who asks for it, since 1984 there has been a huge surge in price shopping. That spike has increased dramatically in just the past ten years, as a result of customer dissatisfaction, corporate buyouts, and simply because consumers are smarter but less loyal and merely want to save money.
Former employers of twenty years ago swore that Armageddon had arrived in the guise of the FTC when they realized that price disclosures must be given even over the phone. Some funeral directors assumed that any price shopper was a clandestine “plant” sent by a competitor. One former boss would inform callers that they should come by the funeral home in person so that he could show them the list and explain things more thoroughly. If a potential client did arrive, a tug-of-war of sorts would ensue. My boss would point out certain aspects of the list, all the while keeping his hand on it, hoping the customer would not try to take it with him or her.
If families who have experienced recent deaths would allow trusted friends to shop on their behalf, they would probably realize significant savings. A non-grieving friend is better able to compare apples to apples. A former employer used to instruct us to offer a $500 discount to anyone who called or stopped by carrying a previous offer. “Even if we don’t make any money on this deal,” he used to say, “that’s fine, as long as so-and-so down the street doesn’t get it.” I have found that price shoppers will become former price shoppers once they feel that they have been treated fairly and have received a great perceived value. A happy customer will nearly always call you back.
I also firmly agree with the philosophy behind price disclosures. Overall, the FTC has helped consumers avoid being gouged. Offenders have been forced to adjust their prices to compete, which makes for a better funeral-shopping experience. If your charges are easily justifiable, then you should be happy to share them. I currently advertise prices so consumers immediately know where I stand. I also happily hand out my price list to all who request it, even my colleagues, and I personally go and collect the same lists from them. But I often have to chuckle at the dirty looks I receive.
Arranging for funeral services and merchandise before the need arises is a great concept for all concerned, but I advise a little homework. Inform your immediate family as to your death-care wishes as early as possible, even if they meet your introduction of the topic with disgust. At the very least, decide whether you want ground burial or cremation and communicate that preference clearly. I often meet with bereaved families who have no idea as to the deceased’s choice of disposition: “Dad never mentioned it,” or “I don’t think Mom would want to be cremated, but she never said one way or another.”
I encourage everyone to make a decision and then act on it. If ground burial is desired, select cemetery property and purchase it—and be sure to inform your family members. My first experiences with pre-need in the 1970s entailed payable-on-death accounts set up at a local bank. In one case, a retired schoolteacher was widowed and had no children. Upon her death there would be no one to carry out her wishes. So she arranged for her funeral service, selected the appropriate merchandise, and paid for everything in advance. She placed the money in a bank account in both her name and the funeral home’s name, not to be touched until appropriate proof of death was provided. Yearly interest more than compensated for inflation.
But in the 1970s, banks were paying up to 9 percent interest, so pre-need accounts only two or three years old accrued far more interest than necessary. That windfall was supposed to be returned to the surviving family or to the deceased’s estate, and in most cases, that was done. But one former boss used to instruct me to attempt to “upgrade” whenever a large amount of interest had accumulated in a pre-need account.
The 1970s and 1980s were dark periods for abuse in the burgeoning pre-need arena. Detailed reports of funeral directors pocketing pre-need money filled funeral industry publications. They deposited funds into the funeral home’s checking account instead of a separate account and then used them for day-to-day expenses. Upon the purchaser’s death, the funeral home would perform the service and provide the merchandise, with no one the wiser.
Problems occurred when a purchaser decided to cancel the prearrangement or wished to transfer the account to another funeral home. The original director struggled to come up with the money, an investigation ensued, and the scam was exposed. Funeral homes received quite a black eye. Insurance-based funding and removal of the funeral director from the mix eventually repaired a lot of the damage. Nowadays, if a consumer has a savings account of $10,000 or a like-value life insurance policy, funding a pre-need through a funeral home is totally unnecessary. Going to a home and prearranging wishes and merchandise and then putting such wishes in writing is an excellent idea to save surviving family members from answering tough questions at a time of grief and stress.
Yet many prearrangement clients prefer to pay up front just so they know that their wishes will be met in the future, and also so that the surviving children cannot deviate from the parent’s wishes.
My parting thought on the subject of prearrangements is simple. If you pay in advance, make sure the funds are deposited into an insurance product. Don’t let a funeral director or pre-need salesperson talk you into placing funds in the funeral home’s savings account. With the onslaught of corporate buyouts, many homes will no longer be privately owned in years to come. Funeral home consolidators are buying out one another’s assets constantly —and that includes all current pre-need accounts.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Claire’s mode of transportation was only one aspect of HBO’s award-winning series that everyone grilled me about. Would I let my daughter drive a lime-green hearse? Would I let my daughter drive a hearse to school? Probably not—but it certainly made a terrific visual. And as a funeral director, I must congratulate the writers and
