In the Age of Love and Chocolate

* * *

When I awoke the next day, the bed was soaking wet. So as not to embarrass Yuji, I tried to slip away without him seeing me. He awoke shivering and sat straight up.

“Sumimasen,” he said, bowing his head. He rarely spoke in Japanese to me.

“It’s fine.” I looked him in the eye. I remembered that Nana had always hated when people didn’t look her in the eye.

On the sheets, the urine was spotted with blood.

“Anya, please go.”

“I want to help you,” I said.

“This has no dignity. Please leave.”

But I did not leave.

His eyes were wide and panicked. “Please leave. I don’t want you here.”

“Yuji, you are my husband.”

“It is only a business arrangement.”

“You are my friend, then.”

“You do not have to do anything for me. I do not expect this kind of service from you.” He shook his head.

I went over to him. “This is nothing to be ashamed of,” I said. “This is just life.” I helped him out of bed and to the bathroom, where I drew him a bath. I barely felt his weight.

“Please leave me,” he whimpered.

“I won’t,” I said. “Not because of our arrangement, but because of everything you’ve done for me. You saved my brother’s life. You smuggled me out of the country. You told a silly teenage girl to demand more of herself. Even now, you offer me everything you have. Helping you when you are sick hardly makes us even.”

He bowed his head.

I helped him out of his damp clothes and into the bath. I ran hot water over a tough, natural sponge and washed his back. He closed his eyes.

“Many months ago, I was even sicker than I am now. The pain was worse. They were still trying to cure me then, but I knew it was hopeless,” he said. “I asked Kazuo to kill me. I handed him my father’s samurai sword. I said, ‘You must cut off my head so that I can die with some honor.’ Tears in his eyes, he refused. He said, ‘You have time. I will not steal that time from you. Use your time, Ono-san.’ He was right. I began to think of what I wanted to do with the end of my days. Yours was the face that kept coming back to me. And so when I was well enough, I went to America to see if I could convince you to marry me. I was not sure that you would.”

“I honor my debts.”

“But I had another plan for if you hadn’t come. My alternate plan was to track down Sophia and murder her. I hate her for doing this to me.”

“I hate her, too.” I wrung out the sponge.

“Promise me you will kill her if you ever see her again.”

For a moment, I considered his request. “I won’t do that, Yuji. I’m not in the murder business and neither are you.”

We had been raised like wolves, Yuji and I. He thought it was perfectly fine to ask me to kill for him, but too much of an imposition to ask for help into the bath.

XVII I BRIEFLY TEND TO BUSINESS AT HOME; LIFE GOES ON WITHOUT ME

AND THEN I WAS BACK IN BOSTON. I was relieved to be among English speakers again and to be with Natty, though nothing I did that weekend felt quite real. It was strange to be among people my age, people who were still in school, people who hadn’t married or run businesses. The resident adviser at her dorm was a goofy, cute, dark-haired boy named Vikram. He shook my hand and promised to take good care of my sister. “How long are you in Boston, Natty’s sister?” he asked. “I could show you some cool places.”

I showed him my wedding band. “I’m married, and I’ve already seen some places.”

“You have been so quiet this weekend,” Natty said. We were lying on her bed, which we had just outfitted with fresh white sheets.

“I’m jet-lagged,” I said.

“I could have managed myself. You didn’t have to come.”

“Natty, I would never miss this.” I rolled over and kissed my sister on her smooth, pink cheek.

Toward the end of the weekend, I turned on my slate. I thought about contacting Win, but I didn’t. It would have seemed disloyal to Yuji, though I’m not sure why I felt that way. Win had not been my boyfriend for over two years now, and I doubted he ever would be again. It would have been pleasant to see him, though.

* * *

I stopped in New York and then San Francisco on my way back to Japan. In New York, I found that Theo had moved out of the apartment. When I went into the office, he did not ask about my marriage. He was all business.

“Anya, Luna says that you require more cacao to supply the five new locations in Japan. At first I didn’t know if we could do it—Granja Manana is only so big, you know? But then she researched the matter and found that we could buy a derelict coffee farm about fifteen miles away from Granja Manana. I need to know if you are serious about needing that cacao.”

“I am serious,” I said.

“Bueno. We will do this then.” He smiled at me, but it was not a warm smile. It was a professional one. And then Theo left. It was as if we had never meant anything to each other.

I had wondered if he might quit or go back to Mexico. He hadn’t, and I admired him for it. He had taken an apartment across town. My fallen-woman status wasn’t enough reason for him to leave the Dark Room. He loved our business. He loved what we had built even though he hated me.

With Theo gone, Scarlet was happy to have my apartment to Felix and herself. “I suppose some year we’ll have to get our own place,” she said as we sat in the living room.

“Why?”

“To prove I’m a grownup, something like that. I mean, I can’t be thirty and living in my best friend’s apartment. And I’ve been on the Upper East Side my whole life. It might be nice to see another part of town. Also, I don’t know anyone who lives up here anymore.” She’d been doing more theater, and she reported that most of her friends lived downtown or in the boroughs.

“Do you hear from”—I lowered my voice in case Felix was listening—“Gable?”

“He sends some money, not that often, and he sent a football for Felix’s second birthday. An adult football.” She rolled her eyes.

“I guess he was thinking ahead. Felix’ll be using that in about ten years.”

“He’ll be using that never.” She scooped the toddler up from the floor where he was playing with blocks and wearing a tiny kimono I’d bought in Japan and said to him, “Mama doesn’t want a big, dumb football spoiling that handsome face.” Felix kissed her and then he kissed me.

“He kisses everyone,” Scarlet explained. “He’s very into kissing.”

“So were you.”

“Shut up,” Scarlet said, laughing. “Anyway, what’s better than kissing? I’m still into kissing.” She sighed. “God, I miss kissing.”

Felix kissed her again.

“Thank you, Fee. So, Anya my darling bestest friend, should we discuss the fact that you’re married?” Scarlet asked.

“There’s not much to report,” I said.

* * *

I had lunch with Mouse. As the new locations of the Dark Room had begun to open across the country, we’d