Once We Were

continue deteriorating.

“He misses you and the others,” Dr. Lyanne said. “But yes, he’s doing well, overall.”

I wished we could hear a response from Jaime’s own lips. So much had been stolen from him already. I didn’t want anyone to forget that he was a person, that he was more than the victim of a horrific surgery, more than the first survivor of the supposed cure. More than a liability and a thing to be protected.

For years, I’d been reduced to the Recessive Soul, the worst half of the Girls Who Just Won’t Settle. I knew what it was like to exist only as a label. And I knew what it was like to be voiceless.

Addie and Dr. Lyanne started up the stairs again. We’d almost reached Henri’s door when Addie asked one last question. “This meeting—you’d tell us, wouldn’t you, if they’re trying to hide anything?”

Dr. Lyanne frowned. “Who’s they?”

“Peter,” Addie said.

“Why would Peter hide anything from you?”

It wasn’t that we thought Peter maliciously kept things from us. It was more that he only told us what he thought we needed to know, and as far as Peter was concerned, we didn’t need to know much. He hadn’t said anything about Nalles’s speech at Lankster Square, and he was sure to know about something like that.

What else had Peter withheld from us?

Dr. Lyanne sighed. “Peter isn’t hiding anything. There are things that are best discussed by as few people as possible, or—”

“Like what?”

“—or everyone will butt in with an opinion, and nothing will ever get decided.”

“How do you know if you’ve heard all the important opinions unless you hear them all?” Addie demanded. “Peter doesn’t tell us everything. I know he doesn’t. Maybe he can’t. Okay. I understand. But anything—anything really important. Anything big that affects us or Jai—that affects us—you’d let us know, right?”

Dr. Lyanne looked at us for a moment, her hazel eyes steady on ours. Then she bent down a little so we were the same height. She said, quietly, “We’re discussing plans to keep you kids safe. We’re talking a little about the Powatt institution. That’s all. No secrets, Addie.” She pulled away. “All right?”

Addie hesitated, but she nodded.

ELEVEN

Somehow, without Addie and I really discussing it, it fell to me to tell Hally and Lissa about Sabine’s plan. We didn’t have to wait long for an opportunity. Soon after Emalia left for Henri’s apartment, Ryan and Hally came downstairs.

“We were kicked out,” Hally said, raising her eyebrows.

I was too busy sneaking glances at Ryan to immediately reply. He must have read the message in our eyes, because he gave a small nod.

“We’ve got something to tell you, Hally,” I said, and she laughed like she thought it might be some happy secret. As if we still had things like happy secrets.

“Well, what is it?” Hally said once I’d shut the bedroom door behind us. Her smile turned a little more hesitant but at least it was still there. If it had been Lissa in control, the smile would have disappeared completely.

I looked to Ryan, and he looked to me, so I took a deep breath and explained everything.

Hally wasn’t happy about it. Kitty was in the living room, so she couldn’t make a fuss, but the look on her face said enough.

“Are you in?” Ryan asked. The television helped mask our voices, and he spoke just loudly enough to be understood.

Hally opened her mouth, then shut it again. She shook her head, forming each word slowly. “You’re really considering this?”

“Yes,” Ryan said.

“Because just what we need right now,” Hally snapped, “is for one of us—or all of us—to get caught again.”

I said nothing. The Mullan siblings didn’t fight often, at least not with any kind of real heat, but being cooped up with the same group of people for more than a month will grind anyone’s nerves. Addie and I quickly learned to stay out of things.

But I couldn’t help wondering: Two months ago, would Hally have hesitated about this plan? She’d been the incautious one, the one who’d persuaded her brothers to reach out to Addie. Was this part of what Nornand had stolen from her? Her zeal? Her wholehearted enthusiasm? Her lack of fear?

“Hally,” Ryan said quietly. “What are the chances, really, of someone recognizing one of us in the streets? We’re a thousand miles from Nornand, even farther from Lupside. Do you really think, out of every city, they’re going to figure out we’re in this one?”

Hally glared at him. “They might if you start causing chaos at government-sponsored events. We’re not six anymore, Ryan. These aren’t war games in the backyard. The others—they’re sending you where it’s most dangerous. If anything happens . . . if you get trapped in that building . . .”

“Remember why we used to play those games?” Ryan asked. Hally looked away, then back to meet her brother’s eyes. For a moment, they were caught in some shared memory. “We wanted to be able to do something someday. Change something.” His voice held a quiet intensity, a lightning storm wrapped in a blanket. “Back at Nornand, when they took you . . . when they said they were going to cut your head open—I couldn’t do anything, Hally. I couldn’t do anything then, but I can now, and I will. I have to.”

The television filled in our silence. Addie’s held breath was my held breath.

“Okay,” Hally whispered finally. “Okay.”

Once again, we snuck out after dark. The others met us on the street, then led us to the photography shop. I made sure to memorize the route this time, reading the street names as we passed.

Everyone quickly folded Hally and Lissa into the group, and Hally, true to form, managed a grin for everyone in return. But I caught the lapses in her smiles. The moments of apprehension, even fear.

“First things first,” Josie said once we were all situated in the attic. The fairy lights caught the gleam in her hair.

Just as I’d tried to map our route, I tried to map the differences between Sabine and Josie. Josie moved differently. Quicker. Sharper. If Sabine glided like a dancer, Josie duck and wove like a bird. Sabine’s smiles were a slow warmth, steady embers. Josie’s were flashes in a pan. She and Vince got along well, I could tell.

“If we’re going to do this,” Josie said, “we can’t keep meeting in the middle of the night. Curfew means no one’s on the streets after midnight without a special permit. With everything else we’ll be up to, it’s not worth the risk. Do you think you’d be able to make it if we met in the evenings? Or late afternoon, anyway.”

Ryan nodded. “Henri’s already used to Hally and me spending a lot of time at Emalia’s. He never comes to check. And Emalia’s at work all day.”

“What about Kitty and Nina?” I said.

He hesitated. “You could tell them. Say you need to go out, meet a few people. Make them promise not to say anything to Emalia. They’d listen to you, Eva.”

<They probably would> Addie said.

<Not probably.> I was positive that if Addie and I asked Kitty and Nina to keep something secret, they would. They trusted us that much.

Did this count as a breach of that trust? I wasn’t sure.

As we found out the following week, convincing Kitty to keep mum about our leaving the apartment was almost too easy. She was quiet as I explained how Addie and I, along with Ryan and Hally, planned to meet up with Sabine and her friends. How we were trying to make plans, trying to help, but it had to be a secret. Okay?