Once We Were

into. But I suppose they’ve got good reason to be taking these things seriously. It’s nearing two months since Lankster Square, and they haven’t caught anyone, haven’t found Jaime . . . the curfew doesn’t seem to have an end in sight . . . people are getting frustrated.”

Addie controlled our breathing, averting our eyes—and caught Nina staring right at us.

The little girl frowned. “Are you okay?”

This, of course, made Peter and Emalia turn to us, too.

“Yeah,” Addie said quickly. She faked a cough. Looked everyone in the eye and smiled, holding it for a count of one, two before ducking our head and taking a bite of dinner. She was getting better at lying. Or maybe she’d always been good. She’d lied for three years to our parents, hadn’t she? “I’m fine. Swallowed something the wrong way.”

“You don’t need to worry about Jenson, Addie.” Peter’s voice was gentle. “He’s just a man.”

“I know,” Addie said.

Peter was right, in a way. Jenson was just a man, just a human being of flesh and blood. But he was a man with power over our lives. Power made a person more than a person.

“Has he been director long?” Addie asked.

Peter set down his fork. Everyone had given up the pretense of eating, even Nina. “A few years. He used to oversee a single institution, a bit like Daniel Conivent.” He glanced at Emalia, then back at us. “Emalia said you’ve become friends with Sabine.”

Was he trying to change the subject? It wasn’t like Peter to be so obvious, so clumsy with his words. But Addie just shrugged. I’d told her about our conversation with Sophie the night of the LOX heist. “Sort of.”

Peter nodded. “Sabine and Christoph knew Jenson, back before he was made director. He was the head of their institution.”

<That’s right> I said. <Sabine told us, remember? When we first met.>

But Addie had gone still, like she hadn’t remembered until now.

“I don’t think Sabine’s heard about Jenson being here,” Peter said quietly. “There’s no need to upset her with the news, all right?”

I knew he meant to be kind, and not patronizing, but I couldn’t help being annoyed anyway.

“Yeah, all right,” Addie mumbled. Her mind was elsewhere; I could tell. But she offered me no explanation.

A silence fell upon the table, thick and muffling. Peter picked up his fork again but only stared at his plate. Emalia’s eyes flickered up to meet ours, then quickly moved away again. Nina pushed at her food, cutting it into smaller and smaller pieces. This was like a mockery of a family dinner, everything the opposite of what it ought to be. I was suddenly so homesick it was a physical pain.

I wanted my family back. I wanted the family I’d had before Mr. Conivent came to take us away.

No. I wanted the family I’d had before Addie and I turned ten years old. Before we’d turned six. Before our parents had started to worry. Before the tests and the hospital visits, the medication and the counselors.

I wanted a family I could barely remember, that was half dream.

“I found somewhere safe to develop your videos, by the way,” Emalia said, too brightly. She smiled at Nina. “It’ll be done in a few days.”

Addie bent our head and went back to finishing our meal. I was left with the strangest feeling—like even after so many minutes, I was still stuck in the disoriented state of having just woken to an unfamiliar world.

Addie said it would only be fair for me to have the rest of the night to myself, since I’d let her have the afternoon. Honestly, at the moment, I didn’t care. I didn’t particularly want to be alone. But Addie disappeared, and I was left with my thoughts.

Jenson was in Anchoit.

The poster of Jaime was still hidden under our mattress. I drew it out, smoothing the crinkles from Jaime’s face. Did Jenson know Jaime was here? Was that why he’d come early?

What would he think when we blew up the Powatt institution? Security was already high around the city. It was sure to tighten even more after the bombing. Were we placing Jaime in more danger by doing this?

That hadn’t been the point. The point was to save people, not hurt them.

I folded up the poster of Jaime and slipped it back under the mattress. Emalia and Peter had left together after dinner, so it was just Nina and me in the apartment.

“I’m just going upstairs,” I told her as I pulled on my shoes.

Lissa opened Henri’s door when I knocked. I tried to slip inside as soon as she did, and it took me a second to realize she wasn’t stepping aside. Instead, she put an arm out to block the doorway.

“Hey,” she said. Her voice was hard. So were her eyes, dark behind her glasses.

I tried to smile. “Hey. Are you going to let me in?”

“No.” She let me stare dumbly at her a minute before sighing and coming out into the hall, shutting the door behind her. She pulled me to the stairs, speaking just above a whisper. “If you come in, then Henri will ask where Devon is.”

I blinked. “And where’s Devon?”

“Officially, he’s downstairs with you.” Lissa and I were in the stairwell now, and she checked both the next flight up and the flight down before saying, “That’s what I’m supposed to tell Henri.”

“Ryan told you to say that?” I kept my voice as quiet as hers. Sound traveled in the stairwell, bouncing against the dirty concrete walls. But few people would be suspicious of two fifteen-year-old girls whispering on the landing. We could be talking about so many things. Complaints about our parents. Our brothers. School gossip. Who was dating whom and who had broken up already.

Lissa shook her head. “No. Devon did.”

Devon with or without Ryan?

“And you don’t know where he really is?”

“Do I ever know where either of you are anymore?” Lissa said. “No. No one tells me, and I’m just supposed to cover for you two. And okay, that’s what we do, right? We look out for each other. We cover for each other. But this is getting ridiculous, Eva.” She took a sharp breath and looked away. “You wanted me to trust you. You said you were going to make things okay. Well, make them okay, Eva, or I swear, I am going to go to Peter. I don’t care if he separates us. I hardly see you anymore, anyway. And—and I’d rather have us separated than . . . than have you guys go through with your plan.”

Did she know about the test run earlier today? Did she know about Sabine’s plans for next Friday?

Most likely, she didn’t.

Lissa stared at the scratches and graffiti on the walls. “You know, Eva . . . when Hally and I first suspected that you and Addie might—well, might be like us, I . . .” She hesitated. “I was so hopeful, you know? I just really wanted someone—someone other than my brother—who knew what it was like. Who would get me. Who would understand. And maybe that was selfish of me, to drag you into this because I—”

“Lissa,” I said. “You didn’t drag me into anything. You gave me a life I didn’t even think was possible, okay? That’s—I’ve never even said thanks for that.”

Lissa looked back at me, then nodded. “Look, I get where you’re coming from. I get why you’d want to—to do what you’re planning to do. But you can’t, Eva. You just can’t do something like this.” She squeezed my arm. “I trust you, all right? I trusted you and Addie when I first told you about us, and I trust you now.”

I found myself nodding, too. I was helpless to do anything else.

THIRTY

I didn’t get the chance to speak with Ryan until later the next day. Addie wanted to spend the morning with Jackson, so I spent it asleep, dreaming soft dreams of the ocean, home, and everything I used to have. Our regular sleep was plagued by nightmares. When going under, I never had nightmares. Mostly, it