prowl round the palace in his nightshirt winding clocks.
He was very concerned that time continued to go forward, you see. So many terrible things had occurred in his life that he was terrified that any of them might happen again if time were ever allowed to slip backwards even for a moment. A very understandable fear, especially if you're barking mad, as I'm afraid to say, with the very greatest sympathy for the poor fellow, he undoubtedly was. He appointed me, or rather I should say, my office, this professorship, you understand, the post that I am now privileged to hold to - where was I? Oh yes. He instituted this, er, Chair of Chronology to see if there was any particular reason why one thing happened after another and if there was any way of stopping it. Since the answers to the three questions were, I knew immediately, yes, no, and maybe, I realised I could then take the rest of my career off.'
'And your predecessors?'
'Er, were much of the same mind.'
'But who were they?'
'Who were they? Well, splendid fellows of course, splendid to a man.
Remind me to tell you about them some day. See that brick? Wordsworth was once sick on that brick. Great man.'
All that had been about ten years ago.
Richard glanced around the great dining hall to see what had changed in the time, and the answer was, of course, absolutely nothing. In the dark heights, dimly seen by the flickering candlelight, were the ghostly portraits of prime ministers, archbishops, political reformers and poets, any of whom might, in their day, have been sick on that same brick.
'Well,' said Reg, in a loudly confidential whisper, as if introducing the subject of nipple-piercing in a nunnery, 'I hear you've suddenly done very well for yourself, at last, hmmm?'
'Er, well, yes, in fact,' said Richard, who was as surprised at the fact as anybody else, 'yes, I have.'
Around the table several gazes stiffened on him.
'Computers,' he heard somebody whisper dismissively to a neighbour further down the table. The stiff gazes relaxed again, and turned away.
'Excellent,' said Reg. 'I'm so pleased for you, so pleased.'
'Tell me,' he went on, and it was a moment before Richard realised that the Professor wasn't talking to him any more, but had turned to the right to address his other neighbour, 'what's all this about, this,' he flourished a vague hand over the candles and college silver, '…stuff?'
His neighbour, an elderly wizened figure, turned very slowly and looked at him as if he was rather annoyed at being raised from the dead like this.
'Coleridge,' he said in a thin rasp, 'it's the Coleridge Dinner you old fool.' He turned very slowly back until he was facing the front again. His name was Cawley, he was a Professor of Archaeology and Anthropology, and it was frequently said of him, behind his back, that he regarded it not so much as a serious academic study, more as a chance to relive his childhood.
'Ah, is it,' murmured Reg, 'is it?' and turned back to Richard.
'It's the Coleridge Dinner,' he said knowledgeably. 'Coleridge was a member of the college, you know,' he added after a moment. 'Coleridge.
Samuel Taylor. Poet. I expect you've heard of him. This is his Dinner.
Well, not literally, of course. It would be cold by now.' Silence.
'Here, have some salt.'
'Er, thank you, I think I'll wait,' said Richard, surprised. There was no food on the table yet.
'Go on, take it,' insisted the Professor, proffering him the heavy silver salt cellar.
Richard blinked in bemusement but with an interior shrug he reached to take it. In the moment that he blinked, however, the salt cellar had completely vanished.
He started back in surprise.
'Good one, eh?' said Reg as he retrieved the missing cruet from behind the ear of his deathly right-hand neighbour, provoking a surprisingly girlish giggle from somewhere else at the table. Reg smiled impishly. 'Very irritating habit, I know. It's next on my list for giving up after smoking and leeches.'
Well, that was another thing that hadn't changed. Some people pick their noses, others habitually beat up old ladies on the streets. Reg's vice was a harmless if peculiar one - an addiction to childish conjuring tricks. Richard remembered the first time he had been to see Reg with a problem - it was only the normal /Angst/ that periodically takes undergraduates into its grip, particularly when they have essays to write, but it had seemed a dark and savage weight at the time. Reg had sat and listened to his outpourings with a deep frown of concentration, and when at last Richard had finished, he pondered seriously, stroked his chin a lot, and at last leaned forward and looked him in the eye.
'I suspect that your problem,' he said, 'is that you have too many paper clips up your nose.'
Richard stared at him.
'Allow me to demonstrate,' said Reg, and leaning across the desk he pulled from Richard's nose a chain of eleven paper clips and a small rubber swan.
'Ah, the real culprit,' he said, holding up the swan. 'They come in cereal packets, you know, and cause no end of trouble. Well, I'm glad we've had this little chat, my dear fellow. Please feel free to disturb me again if you have any more such problems.'
Needless to say, Richard didn't.
Richard glanced around the table to see if there was anybody else he recognised from his time at the college.
Two places away to the left was the don who had been Richard's Director of Studies in English, who showed no signs of recognising him at all. This was hardly surprising since Richard had spent his three years here assiduously avoiding him, often to the extent of growing a beard and pretending to be someone else.
Next to him was a man whom Richard had never managed to identify.
Neither, in fact, had anyone else. He was thin and vole-like and had the most extraordinarily long bony nose - it really was very, very long and bony indeed. In fact it looked a lot like the controversial keel which had helped the Australians win the America's Cup in 1983, and this resemblance had been much remarked upon at the time, though not of course to his face. No one had said anything to his face at all.
No one.
Ever.
Anyone meeting him for the first time was too startled and embarrassed by his nose to speak, and the second time was worse because of the first time, and so on. Years had gone by now, seventeen in all.
In all that time he had been cocooned in silence. In hall it had long been the habit of the college servants to position a separate set of salt, pepper and mustard on either side of him, since no one could ask him to pass them, and to ask someone sitting on the other side of him was not only rude but completely impossible because of his nose being in the way.
The other odd thing about him was a series of gestures he made and repeated regularly throughout every evening. They consisted of tapping each of the fingers of his left hand in order, and then one of the fingers of his right hand. He would then occasionally tap some other part of his body, a knuckle, an elbow or a knee. Whenever he was forced to stop this by the requirements of eating he would start blinking each of his eyes instead, and occasionally nodding. No one, of course, had ever dared to ask him why he did this, though all were consumed with curiosity.
Richard couldn't see who was sitting beyond him.
In the other direction, beyond Reg's deathly neighbour, was Watkin, the Classics Professor, a man of terrifying dryness and oddity. His heavy rimless glasses were almost solid cubes of glass within which his eyes appeared to lead independent existences like goldfish. His nose was straight enough and ordinary, but beneath it he wore the same beard as Clint Eastwood. His eyes gazed swimmingly around the table as he selected who was going to be spoken at tonight. He had thought that his prey might be one of the guests, the newly appointed Head of Radio Three, who was sitting opposite - but unfortunately he had already been ensnared by the Music Director of the college and a Professor of Philosophy. These two were busy explaining to the harassed man that the phrase 'too much Mozart' was, given any reasonable definition of those three words, an inherently self-contradictory expression, and that any sentence which contained such a phrase would be thereby rendered meaningless and could not,
