A Civil Campaign

'Please sit down, Lord Vorpatril,' said Armsman Szabo.

'Yes, come sit by me, Ivan.' Byerly patted his upholstered chair arm invitingly.

'Sit down, Ivan,' Lord Dono growled. His burning eyes suddenly crinkled, and he murmured, 'For old time's sake, if nothing else. You used to run into my bedroom to watch me undress, not out of it. Must I lock the door and make you play hunt the key again?'

Ivan opened his mouth, raised a furious admonishing finger in protest, thought better of it, and sank to a seat on the edge of the bed. You wouldn't dare seemed suddenly a really unwise thing to say to the former Lady Donna Vorrutyer. He crossed his ankles, then hastily uncrossed them again and set his feet apart, then crossed them again, and twined his hands together in vast discomfort. 'I don't see what you need me for,' he said plaintively.

'So you can witness,' said Szabo.

'So you can testify,' said Dono. The tunic hit the bed beside Ivan, making him jump, followed by a black T-shirt.

Well, Dono had spoken truly about the Betan surgeon; there weren't any visible scars. His chest sprouted a faint nest of black hairs; his musculature tended to the wiry. The shoulders of the tunic hadn't been padded.

'So you can gossip , of course,' said By, lips parted in either some bizarre prurient interest, or keen enjoyment of Ivan's embarrassment, or more likely both at once.

'If you think I'm going to say one word about being here tonight to anyone —'

With a smooth motion, Dono kicked his black trousers onto the bed atop the tunic. His briefs followed.

'Well?' Dono stood before Ivan with an utterly cheerful leer on his face. 'What do you think? Do they do good work on Beta, or what?'

Ivan glanced sidelong at him, and away. 'You look . . . normal,' he admitted reluctantly.

'Well, show me while you're at it,' By said.

Dono turned before him.

'Not bad,' said By judiciously, 'but aren't you a trifle, ah, juvenile?'

Dono sighed. 'It was a rush job. Quality, but rush. I went from the hospital straight to the jumpship for home. The organs are going to have to finish growing in situ , the doctors tell me. A few months yet to fully adult morphology. The incisions don't hurt anymore, though.'

'Ooh,' said By, 'puberty. What fun for you.'

'On fast-forward, at that. But the Betans have smoothed that out a lot for me. You have to give them credit, they're a people in control of their hormones.'

Ivan conceded reluctantly, 'My cousin Miles, when he had his heart and lungs and guts replaced, said it took almost a full year for his breathing and energy to be completely back to normal. They had to finish growing back to adult size after they were installed too. I'm sure . . . it will be all right.' He added after a helpless moment, 'So does it work?'

'I can piss standing up, yeah.' Dono reached over and retrieved his briefs, and slid them back on. 'As for the other, well, real soon now, I understand. I can hardly wait for my first wet dream.'

'But will any woman want to . . . it's not like you're going to be keeping it a secret, who and what you were before . . . how will you, um . . . That's one place Armsman Pygmalion over there,' Ivan waved at Szabo, 'won't be able to coach you.'

Szabo smiled faintly, the most expression Ivan had seen on his face tonight.

'Ivan, Ivan, Ivan.' Dono shook his head, and scooped up the House uniform trousers. 'I taught you how, didn't I? Of all the problems I expect to have . . . puzzling how to lose my male virginity isn't one of them. Really.'

'It . . . doesn't seem fair,' said Ivan in a smaller voice. 'I mean, we had to figure all this stuff out when we were thirteen.'

'As opposed to, say, twelve?' Dono inquired tightly.

'Um.'

Dono buckled the trousers—they were not too snug across the hips after all—hitched into the tunic, and frowned at his reflection in the mirror. He bunched handfuls of extra fabric at the sides. 'Yeah, that'll do. The tailor should have it ready by tomorrow night. I want to wear this when I go present my evidence of impediment at Vorhartung Castle.'

The blue-and-gray Vorrutyer House uniform was going to look exceptionally good on Lord Dono, Ivan had to concede. Maybe that would be a good day to call in his Vor rights and get a ticket, and take a discreet back seat in the visitor's gallery at the Council of Counts. Just to see what happened, to use one of Gregor's favorite phrases.

Gregor . . .

'Does Gregor know about this?' Ivan asked suddenly. 'Did you tell him your plan, before you left for Beta?'

'No, of course not,' said Dono. He sat on the bed's edge, and began pulling on the boots.

Ivan could feel his teeth clench. 'Are you out of your minds?'

'As somebody or another is fond of quoting—I think it was your cousin Miles—it is always easier to get forgiveness than permission.' Dono rose, and went to the mirror to check the effect of the boots.

Ivan clutched his hair. 'All right. You two—you three—dragged me up here because you claimed you wanted my help. I'm going to hand you a hint. Free.' He took a deep breath. 'You can blindside me, and laugh your heads off if you want to. It won't be the first time I've been the butt. You can blindside Richars with my good will. You can blindside the whole Council of Counts. Blindside my cousin Miles— please. I want to watch. But do not, if you value your chances, if you mean this to be anything other than a big, short joke, do not blindside Gregor.'

Byerly grimaced uncertainly; Dono, turning before the mirror, shot Ivan a penetrating look. 'Go to him, you mean?'

'Yes. I can't make you,' Ivan went on sternly, 'but if you don't, I categorically refuse to have anything more to do with you.'

'Gregor can kill it all with a word,' said Dono warily. 'Before it even launches.'

'He can,' said Ivan, 'but he won't, without strong motivation. Don't give him that motivation. Gregor does not like political surprises.'

'I thought Gregor was fairly easy-going,' said By, 'for an emperor.'

'No,' said Ivan firmly. 'He is not. He is merely rather quiet. It's not the same thing at all. You don't want to see what he's like pissed.'

'What does he look like, pissed?' asked By curiously.

'Identical to what he looks like the rest of the time. That's the scary part.'

Dono held up a hand, as By opened his mouth again. 'By, aside from the chance to amuse yourself, you pulled Ivan in on this tonight because of his connections, or so you claimed. In