Mirror Dance

metabolic aids to speed digestion and deposition. It was far too subtly complex to have been designed on the spot, it must be something House Ryoval kept in stock. And he’d imagined this was his own private and unique perversion. He thought he’d done himself harm before, but Ryoval’s people took it far beyond the limits of merely toying with pain, under the eye of their master, who’d come to watch. And study him, with a growing smile. Ryoval knew. He’d seen it in the man’s sly, pleased eyes.

Ryoval had stripped his very own rebellion of all its secret pleasure. The one somatic power that had been his call, his control, taken from him. Ryoval had hooked him, gotten under his skin. Way under.

They could do to you all day long, and you could just not-be-there, but it was as nothing compared to getting you to do to yourself. The difference between mere torture and true humiliation was in the participation of the victim. Galen, whose torments were physically much milder than anything Ryoval contemplated, had known this; Galen had always had him doing to himself, or thinking he was.

That Ryoval knew this too, he demonstrated later, when he administered a violent aphrodisiac to Mark by hypospray, before giving him to his—guards? or were they employees borrowed from one of the bordellos? So that he became a glazed-eyed participant in his own degradation. It doubtless made a great show for the hovering holovids, recording it all from every angle.

They brought him back to his little cell to digest this new experience much as they’d brought him back to digest the first force-feeding. It took a long time for the shock and drug-fog to clear away. He oscillated slowly between a drained lassitude and horror. Curious. The drug had short-circuited his shock-stick conditioning, reducing it to something like a case of the hiccups, or the show would have been much duller and shorter. Ryoval had watched.

No. Ryoval had studied.

His consciousness of the man’s eyes had become an obsession. Ryoval’s interest had not been erotic. Mark felt the Baron must have become bored with the stereotyped banality of every possible physical act decades ago. Ryoval had been watching him for … reflexes? Small betrayals of interest, fear, despair. The exercise had not been arranged for the sake of pain. There had been plenty of pain, but it had been incidental. Discomfort from the force- feeding, and running out of neurotransmitters, mostly.

That wasn’t the torture, Mark realized. That was only the pretesting. My torture is still being designed.

Suddenly, he saw what was coming, all whole. First, Ryoval would condition him to this, addict him by repeated doses. Only then would he add pain, and pin him, vibrating, between pain and pleasure; require him to torture himself, to win through to the dark reward. And then he would withdraw the drug and let Mark, conditioned to the scenarios, continue. And he would. And then Ryoval would offer him his freedom. And he would weep and beg to stay, plead to remain a slave. Destruction by seduction. End-game. Revenge complete. You see me, Ryoval, but I see you. I see you.

The force-feedings turned out to be on a schedule of every three hours. It was the only clock he had, or he would have thought time had stopped. He had surely entered eternity.

He’d always thought being skinned alive was something done with sharp knives. Or dull ones. Ryoval’s technicians did it chemically, spraying carefully selected areas of his body with an aerosol. They wore gloves, masks, protective clothing; he tried, but failed, to grab off a mask and let one share what they administered. He cursed his littleness, and cried, and watched his skin bubble up and drip away. The chemical was not a caustic, but rather some strange enzyme; his nerves were left horribly intact, exposed. Touching anything, or being touched, was agony after that, especially the pressure of sitting or lying down. He stood in the little closet-cell, shifting from foot to foot, touching nothing, for hours, till his shaking legs finally gave way.

It was all happening so fast. Where the hell was everybody? How long had he been here? A day?

So. I have survived one day. Therefore, I can survive another one-day. It couldn’t be worse. It could only be more.

He sat, and rocked, mind half whited-out with pain. And rage. Especially rage. From the moment of the first force-feeding, it hadn’t been Naismith’s war any more. This was personal now, between Ryoval and him. But not personal enough. He’d never been alone with Ryoval. He’d always been outnumbered, outweighed, passed from one set of bindings to another. Admiral Naismith was being treated as a fairly dangerous little prick, even now. That wouldn’t do.

He would have told them everything, all about Lord Mark, and Miles, and the Count, and the Countess, and Barrayar. And Kareen. But the force-feedings had stopped his mouth, and the drug had stripped him of language, and the other things had kept him too busy screaming. It was all Ryoval’s fault. The man watched. But he didn’t listen.

I wanted to be Lord Mark. I just wanted to be Lord Mark. Was that so bad? He still wanted to be Lord Mark. He’d almost had it, brushing his grasp. Ripped away. He wept for it, hot tears splashing like molten lead on his not-skin. He could feel Lord Mark slipping from him, racked apart, buried alive. Disintegrating. I just wanted to be human. Screwed up again.

Chapter Twenty-Five

He circled the room for the hundreth time, tapping on the walls. ’If we could figure out which one is the exterior,” he said to Rowan, “maybe we could break through it somehow.”

“With what, our fingernails? What if we’re three floors up? Will you please sit down,” Rowan gritted. “You’re driving me crazy!”

“We have to get out.”

“We have to wait. Lilly will miss us. And something will be done.”

“By who? And how?” He glared around their little bedroom. It wasn’t designed as a prison. It was only a guest room, with its own bath attached. No windows, which suggested it was underground or in an interior section of the house. If it was underground, breaking through a wall might not be much use, but if they could bore into another room, the possibilities bloomed. One door, and two stunner-armed guards outside of it. They’d tried enticing the guards into opening the door last night, once with faked illness, and once for real when his frantic agitation had resulted in another convulsion. The guards had handed in Rowan’s medical bag, which was no help, because then the exhausted woman had started responding to his demands for action by threatening to sedate him.

“Survive, escape, sabotage,” he recited. It had become a litany, running through his head in an endless loop. “It’s a soldier’s duty.”

“I’m not a soldier,” said Rowan, rubbing her dark-ringed eyes. “And Vasa Luigi isn’t going to kill me, and if he was going to kill you he’d have done it last night. He doesn’t play with his prey like Ryoval does.” She bit her lip, perhaps regretting that last sentence. “Or maybe he’s going to leave us in here together till / kill you.” She rolled over in bed, and pulled her pillow over her head.

“You should have crashed that lightflyer.”

A noise from under the pillow might have been either a groan or a curse. He had probably mentioned that regret a few too many times.

When the door clicked open he spun as if scalded.

A guard half-saluted, politely. “Baron Bharaputra’s compliments, ma’am, sir, and would you prepare to join him and the Baronne for dinner. We will escort you upstairs when you’re ready.”

The Bharaputras’ dining room had large glass doors giving a view onto an enclosed, winter-frosted garden, and a big guard by every exit. The garden glimmered in the gathering gloom; they had been here a full Jacksonian day, then, twenty-six hours and some odd minutes. Vasa Luigi rose at their entry, and at his gesture the guards faded back to positions outside the doors, giving an illusion of privacy.

The dining room was arranged stylishly, with individual couches and little tables set in a tiered semi-circle around the view of the garden. A very familiar-looking woman sat on one of the couches.

Her hair was white streaked with black, and wound up in elaborate braids around her head. Dark eyes, thin