and friend of the wily old man who was now Emperor. Cordelia caught a faint, faraway impression of a cold father whom a young son could never quite please, even with his best efforts, yet who shared with him a bond of underlying loyalty. She described her mother, a toug-minded medical professional resisting retirement, and her brother, who had just purchased his second child permit.
'Do you remember your mother well?' Cordelia asked. 'She died when you were quite young, I gather. An accident, like my father?'
'No accident. Politics.' His face became sober, and distant. 'Had you not heard of Yuri Vorbarra's Massacre?'
'I—don't know much about Barrayar.'
'Ah. Well, Emperor Yuri, in the later days of his madness, became extremely paranoid about his relations. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy, in the end. He sent his death squads out, all in one night. The squad sent for Prince Xav never got past his liveried men. And for some obscure reason, he didn't send one for my father, presumably because he wasn't a descendant of Emperor Dorca Vorbarra. I can't imagine what old Yuri thought he was about, to kill my mother and leave my father alive. That was when my father threw his corps behind Ezar Vorbarra, in the civil war that followed.'
'Oh.' Her throat seemed dry and thick in the dusty afternoon. She had evoked a coldness in him, so that the film of sweat on his forehead seemed suddenly like a condensation.
'It's been on my mind … You were talking about the peculiar things people do in a panic, earlier, and I remembered it. Hadn't thought of it in years. When Yuri's men blew in the door—'
'My God, you weren't present?'
'Oh, yes. I was on the list too, of course. Each assassin was assigned a particular target. The one assigned to my mother—I grabbed this knife, a table knife, by my plate, and struck at him. But right in front of me on the table there had been a good carving knife. If only I had grabbed it instead … I might as well have struck him with a spoon. He just picked me up, and threw me across the room—'
'How old were you?'
'Eleven. Small for my age. I was always small for my age. He cornered her against the far wall. He fired a …' He sucked his lower lip between his teeth and chewed it, just short of breaking the skin to bleed. 'Odd how many details come back when you talk about something. I thought I had forgotten more.'
He glanced at her white face, and grew suddenly contrite. 'I've disturbed you, with this babble. I'm sorry. It was all very long ago. I don't know why I'm talking so much.'
I do, thought Cordelia. He was pale and no longer sweating, in spite of the heat. Half-unconsciously, he fastened the top of his shirt. He feels cold, she thought; fever going up. How far up? Plus whatever effect those pills have. This could get very scary.
An obscure impulse made her say, 'I know what you mean, though, about talking bringing it back. First there was the shuttle going up, like a bullet as usual, and my brother waving, which was silly, because he couldn't possibly see us—and then there was this smear of light across the sky, like a second sun, and a rain of fire. And this stupid feeling of total comprehension. You wait for the shock to set in, and relieve you—and it never does. Then the blank vision. Not blackness, but this silver-purple glow, for days after. I had almost forgotten about being blinded, till just now.'
He stared at her. 'That's exactly—I was about to say, he fired a sonic grenade into her stomach. I couldn't hear anything after that for quite some time. As if all sound had gone off the scale of human reception. Total noise, emptier of meaning than silence.'
'Yes …' How strange, that he should know exactly what I felt—he says it better, though… .
'I suppose my determination to be a soldier stems from that date. I mean the real thing, not the parades and the uniforms and the glamour, but the logistics, the offensive advantage, the speed and surprise—the power. A better-prepared, stronger, tougher, faster, meaner son-of-a-bitch than any who came through that door. My first combat experience. Not very successful.'
He was shivering, now. But then, so was she. They walked on, and she sought to turn the subject. 'I've never been in combat. What's it like?'
He paused thoughtfully. Measuring me again, thought Cordelia. And sweating; fever must be topping out, for the moment, thank heavens.
'At a distance, in space, there's the illusion of a clean and glorious fight. Almost abstract. It might be a simulation, or a game. Reality doesn't break in unless your ship is hit.' He gazed at the ground in front of him, as if choosing his path, but the ground was very level there. 'Murder—murder is different. That day at Komarr, when I killed my Political Officer—I was angrier that day than the day I—than another time. But close up, feeling the life pass out under your hands, seeing that blank unoccupied corpse, you see your own death in the face of your victim. Yet he had betrayed my honor.'
'I'm not sure I quite understand that.'
'Yes. Anger seems to make you stronger, not weaker like me. I wish I understood how you do that.'
It was another one of his weird unmanageable compliments. She fell silent, looking at her feet, the mountain ahead, the sky, anywhere but his unreadable face. So she was the first to notice the contrail glowing in the westering sun.
'Hey, does that look like a shuttle up there to you?'
'Indeed it does. Let's watch from the shade of that big bush,' directed Vorkosigan.
'Don't you want to try and attract their attention?'
'No.' He turned his hand palm up in response to her look of inquiry. 'My best friends and my deadliest enemies all wear the same uniform. I prefer to make my presence known as selectively as possible.'
They could hear the distant roar of the shuttle's engines now as it vanished behind the grey-green wooded mountain to the west.
'They seem to be headed for the cache,' commented Vorkosigan. 'That complicates things.' He compressed his lips. 'What are they doing back there, I wonder? Could Gottyan have found the sealed orders?'
'Surely he'd inherit all your orders.'
'Yes, but I didn't have my files in the standard location, not wishing to share all my affairs with the Council of Ministers. I don't think Korabik Gottyan could find what eludes Radnov. Radnov's a clever spy.'
'Is Radnov a tall, broad-shouldered man with a face like an axeblade?'
'No, that sounds like Sergeant Bothari. Where did you see him?'
'He was the man who shot Dubauer, in the woods by the ravine.'
'Oh, really?' Vorkosigan's eyes lit, and he smiled wolfishly. 'Much becomes clear.'
'Not to me,' Cordelia prodded.
'Sergeant Bothari is a very strange man. I had to discipline him rather severely last month.'
'Severely enough to make him a candidate for Radnov's conspiracy?'
'I'll wager Radnov thought so. I'm not sure I can make you understand about Bothari. Nobody else seems to. He's a superb ground combat soldier. He also hates my guts, as you Betans would phrase it. He enjoys hating my guts. It seems to be necessary for his ego, somehow.'
'Would he shoot you in the back?'
'Never. Strike me in the face, yes. In fact, it was for decking me that he was disciplined last time.' Vorkosigan rubbed his jaw thoughtfully. 'But arming him to the teeth and leading him into battle at my back is perfectly safe.'
'He sounds like an absolute looney.'
'Odd, a number of people have said that. I like him.'
'And you accuse us Betans of running a circus.'
Vorkosigan shrugged, amused. 'Well, it's useful for me to have someone to work out with who doesn't pull his punches. Surviving hand-to-hand combat practice with Bothari gives me a real edge. I prefer to keep that phase of our relationship confined to the practice ring, however. I can imagine how Radnov might be misled into including Bothari without examining his politics too closely. He acts like just the sort of fellow one might stick with the dirty work—by God, I'll bet that's just what Radnov did! Good old Bothari.'
Cordelia glanced at Dubauer, standing blankly beside her. 'I'm afraid I can't share your enthusiasm. He nearly killed me.'
