broken on two different occasions.'
'Oh,' said Cordelia. And how am I going to explain Bothari, without mentioning Vorkosigan's cabin? A friend tried to strangle me… .
'I would like you to think,' said Dr. Sprague carefully, 'about the possibility of drug therapy. The Barrayarans have done an excellent cover-up on you, even better than the other, and it took very deep probing indeed for her. I think it's going to be even more necessary in your case. But we must have your voluntary cooperation.'
'Thank God for that.' Cordelia lay back on her bed and pulled her pillow over her face, thinking of drug therapy. It made her blood run cold. She wondered how long she could take deep probing for memories that weren't there before she started manufacturing them to meet the demand. And worse: the very first effect of probing must be to bring up those secret agonies that were uppermost on her mind—Vorkosigan's secret wounds … She sighed, removed the pillow from her head and hugged it to her chest, and looked up to find Sprague regarding her with deep concern. 'You still here?'
'I'll always be here, Cordelia.'
'That's—what I was afraid of.'
Sprague got no more from her after that. She was afraid to sleep, now, for fear of talking or even being questioned in her sleep. She took little catnaps, waking with a start whenever there was movement in the cabin, such as her roommate getting up to go to the bathroom in the night. Cordelia did not admire Ezar Vorbarra's secret purposes in the late war, but at least they had been accomplished. The thought of all that pain and death being made vain as smoke haunted her, and she resolved that all Vorkosigan's soldiers, yes, even Vorrutyer and the camp commandant, would not be made to have died for nothing through her.
She ended the trip far more frayed than she had begun it, floating on the edge of real breakdown, plagued by pounding headaches, insomnia, a mysterious left-hand tremula, and the beginnings of a stutter.
The trip from Escobar to Beta Colony was much easier. It only took four days, in a Betan fast courier sent, she was surprised to find, especially for her. She viewed the news reports on her cabin holovid. She was deathly tired of the war, but she caught by chance a mention of Vorkosigan's name, and could not resist following it up to find out what the public view of his part was.
Horrified, she discovered that his work with the Judiciary's investigative commission led the Betan and Escobaran press to blame him for the way the prisoners had been treated, as if he had been in charge of them from the beginning. The old false Komarr story was dragged out on parade, and his name was reviled everywhere. The injustice of it all made her furious, and she gave up the news in disgust.
At last they orbited Beta Colony, and she haunted Nav and Com for a glimpse of home.
'There's the old sandbox at last.' The captain cheerfully keyed her a view. 'They're sending a shuttle up for you, but there's a storm over the capital, and it's a bit delayed, till it subsides enough for them to drop screens at the port.'
'I may as well wait till I get down to call my mom,' Cordelia commented. 'She's probably at work now. No point bothering her there. Hospital's not far from the shuttleport. I can get a nice relaxing drink while I wait for her to get off shift and pick me up.'
The captain gave her a peculiar look. 'Uh, yeah.'
The shuttle arrived eventually. Cordelia shook hands all around, thanking the courier crew for the ride, and went aboard. The shuttle stewardess greeted her with a pile of new clothes.
'What's all this? By heavens, the Expeditionary Force uniforms at last! Better late than never, I guess.'
'Why don't you go ahead and put them on,' urged the stewardess, smiling extraordinarily.
'Why not.' She had been wearing the same borrowed Escobaran uniform for quite some time now, and was thoroughly tired of it. She took the sky blue cloth and the shiny black boots, amused. 'Why jackboots, in God's name? There's scarcely a horse on Beta Colony, except in the zoos. I admit, they do look wicked.'
Finding she was the sole passenger on the shuttle, she changed on the spot. The stewardess had to help her with the boots.
'Whoever designed these should be forced to wear them to bed,' Cordelia muttered. 'Or perhaps he does.'
The shuttle descended, and she went to the window, eager for the first look at her hometown. The ochre haze parted at last, and they spiraled neatly down to the shuttleport and taxied to the docking bay.
'Seems to be a lot of people out there today.'
'Yes, the President's going to make a speech,' said the stewardess. 'It's very exciting. Even if I didn't vote for him.'
'Steady Freddy got that many people to show up for one of his speeches? Just as well. I can blend with the crowd. This thing is a bit bright. I think I'd rather be invisible, today.'
She could feel the letdown beginning, and wondered how far down it would end. The Escobaran doctor had been right in her principles, if not in her facts; there was an emotional debt yet to be paid, knotted somewhere under her stomach.
The shuttle's engines whined to silence, and she rose to thank the grinning stewardess, uneasy. 'There's not going to be a r—reception committee out there for me, is there? I really don't think I could handle it today.'
'You'll have some help,' the stewardess assured her. 'Here he comes now.'
A man in a civilian sarong entered the shuttle, smiling broadly. 'How do you do, Captain Naismith,' he introduced himself. 'I'm Philip Gould, the President's Press Secretary.' Cordelia was shocked. Press Secretary was a cabinet-level post. 'It's an honor to meet you.'
She was tumbling fast. 'You're not p—planning some kind of, of d—dog and pony show out there, are you? I r—really just want to go home.'
'Well, the President is planning a speech. And he has a little something for you,' he said soothingly. 'In fact, he was hoping he might make several speeches with you, but we can discuss that later. Now, we hardly expect the Heroine of Escobar to suffer from stage fright, but we have prepared some remarks for you. I'll be with you all the time, and help you with the cues, and the press.' He passed her a hand viewer. 'Do try and look surprised, when you first step out of the shuttle.'
'I am surprised.' She scanned the script rapidly. 'Th—this is a p—pack of lies!'
He looked worried. 'Have you always had that little speech impediment?' he asked cautiously.
'N—no, it's my souvenir from the Escobaran psych service, and the l—late war. Who came up with this g —garbage, anyway?' The line that particularly caught her eye referred to 'the cowardly Admiral Vorkosigan and his pack of ruffians.'
'Vorkosigan's the bravest man I ever met.'
Gould took her firmly by the upper arm, and guided her to the shuttle hatch. 'We have to go, now, to make the holovid timing. Maybe you can just leave that line out, all right? Now, smile.'
'I want to see my mother.'
'She's with the President. Here we go.' They exited the tube from the shuttle hatch into a milling mob of men, women, and equipment. They all began shouting questions at once. Cordelia began to shake, all over, in waves that began in the pit of her stomach and radiated outward. 'I don't know any of these people,' she hissed to Gould.
'Keep walking,' he hissed back through a fixed smile. They mounted a reviewing stand set up on the balcony overlooking the shuttleport concourse. The concourse was packed solidly with a colorful crowd in a holiday mood. They blurred before Cordelia's eyes. She saw a familiar face at last, her mother, smiling and crying, and she fell into her arms, to the delight of the press who recorded it copiously. 'Get me out of this as fast as you can,' she whispered fiercely into her mother's ear. 'I'm about to lose it.'
Her mother held her at arm's length, not understanding, still smiling. Her place was taken by Cordelia's brother, his family clustered nervously and proudly behind him, looking at her, she felt, with eyes that devoured her. She spotted her crew, also dressed in the new uniforms, standing with some government officials. Parnell gave her a thumbs—up, grinning dementedly. She was bundled over to stand behind a rostrum with the President of Beta Colony.
Steady Freddy seemed larger than life to her confused eyes, big and booming. Perhaps that was why he
