he looked at them through a magnifying lamp. Bosch watched his eyes going back and forth between the prints as if he were watching a tennis ball go back and forth across a net.
Bosch realized as he watched Hirsch work that more than anything else in the world he wanted the print man to look up at him and say that the prints from the two cards in front of him matched. Bosch wanted this to be over. He wanted to put it away.
After five minutes of silence, the tennis match was over and Hirsch looked up at him and gave him the score.
When Carmen Hinojos opened her waiting room door she seemed pleasantly surprised to see Bosch sitting on the couch.
'Harry! Are you all right? I didn't expect to see you here today.'
'Why not? It's my time, isn't it?'
'Yes, but I read in the paper you were at Cedars.'
'I checked out.'
'Are you sure you should have done that? You look
'Awful?'
'I didn't want to say that. Come in.'
She ushered him in and they took their usual places.
'I actually look better than I feel right now.'
'Why? What is it?'
'Because it was all for nothing.'
His statement put a confused look on her face.
'What do you mean? I read the story today. You solved the murders, including your mother's. I thought you'd be quite different than this.'
'Well, don't believe everything you read, Doctor. Let me clarify things for you. What I did on my so-called mission was cause two men to be murdered and another to die by my own hands. I solved, let's see, I solved one, two, three murders, so that's good. But I didn't solve the murder I set out to solve. In other words, I've been
running around in circles causing people to die. So, how did you expect me to be during our session?'
'Have you been drinking?'
'I had a couple beers with lunch but it was a long lunch and I think that a minimum of two beers is required considering what I just told you. But I am not drunk, if that is what you want to know. And I'm not working, so what's the difference?'
'I thought we agreed to cut back on -'
'Oh, fuck that. This is the real world here. Isn't that what you called it? The real world? Between now and the last time we talked, I've killed someone, Doc. And you want to talk about cutting back on booze. Like it means anything anymore.'
Bosch took out his cigarettes and lit one. He kept the pack and the Bic on the arm of the chair. Carmen Hinojos watched him for a long time before speaking again.
'You're right. I'm sorry. Let's go to what I think is the heart of the problem. You said you didn't solve the murder you set out to solve. That, of course, is your mother's death. I am only going by what I read, but today's Times attributes her killing to Gordon Mittel. Are you telling me that you now know that to be incontro-vertibly wrong?'
'Yes. I now know that to be incontrovertibly wrong.'
'How?'
'Simple. Fingerprints. I went down to the morgue, got Mittel's prints and had them compared to those on the murder weapon, the belt. No match. He didn't do it. Wasn't there. Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm not sitting here with a guilty conscience over Mittel. He was a man who decided to kill people and then had them killed. Just like that. At least two times I'm sure of, then he was going to have me killed, too. So I say fuck him. He got what he had coming. But I'll carry Pounds
and Conklin around with me for a long time. Maybe forever. And one way or another, I'll pay for it. It's just that it would make that weight easier to carry if there had been a reason. Any good reason. Know what I mean? But there isn't a reason. Not anymore.'
'I understand. I don't — I'm not sure how to proceed with this. Do you want to talk some about your feelings in regard to Pounds and Conklin?'
'Not really. I've thought about it enough already. Neither man was innocent. They did things. But they didn't have to die like they did. Especially Pounds. Jesus. I can't talk about it. I can't even think about it.' 'Then how will you go on?' 'I don't know. Like I said, I have to pay.' 'What is the department going to do, any idea?' 'I don't know. I don't care. It's bigger than the department to decide. I have to decide my penance.' 'Harry, what does that mean? That concerns me.' 'Don't worry, I'm not going to the closet. I'm not that type.'
'The closet?'
'I'm not going to stick a gun in my mouth.' 'Through what you've said here today, it is already clear you have accepted responsibility for what happened to these two men. You're facing it. In effect, you are denying denial. That is a foundation you can build on. I am concerned about this talk about penance. You have to go on, Harry. No matter what you do to yourself, it doesn't bring them back. So the best you can do is go on.'
He didn't say anything. He suddenly grew tired of all the advice, of her intervention in his life. He was feeling resentful and frustrated.
'Do you mind if we cut the session short today?' he asked. 'I'm not feeling so hot.'
'I understand. It's no problem. But I want you to
promise me something. Promise me we will talk again before you make any decisions.'
'You mean about my penance?'
'Yes, Harry.'
'Okay, we'll talk.'
He stood up and attempted a smile but it came out more like a frown. Then he remembered something.
'By the way, I apologize for not getting back to you the other night when you called. I was waiting on a call and couldn't talk and then I just kind of forgot. I hope you were just checking on me and it wasn't too important.'
'Don't worry about it. I forgot myself. I was just calling to see how you made it through the rest of the afternoon with Chief Irving. I also wanted to see if you wanted to talk about the photos. It doesn't matter now.'
'You looked at them?'
'Yes. I had a couple of comments but -'
'Let's hear them.'
Bosch sat back down. She looked at him, weighing his suggestion, and decided to go ahead.
'I have them here.'
She bent down to get the envelope out of one of the lower drawers of the desk. She almost disappeared from Bosch's view. Then she was up and placed the envelope on the desk.
'I guess you should take these back.'
'Irving took the murder book and the evidence box. He's got it all now except for those.'
'You sound like you're unhappy about that, or that you don't trust him with it. That's a change.'
'Aren't you the one who said I don't trust anyone?'
'Why don't you trust him?'
'I don't know. I just lost my suspect. Gordon Mittel's clear and I'm starting from ground zero. I was just thinking about the percentages ...'
'And?'
'Well, I don't know the numbers but a significant number of homicides are reported by the actual doer. You know, the husband who calls up crying, saying his wife is missing. More often than not, he's just a bad actor. He killed her and thinks calling the cops helps convince everybody he's clean. Look at the Menendez brothers. One of 'em calls up boohooing about mom and dad being dead. Turns out he and the brother were the ones who shotgunned them. There was a case up in the hills a few years back. This little girl was missing. It was Laurel
