Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom

This is how you hit bottom in Walt Disney World, in a hotel with the hissing of the monorail and the sun streaming through the window, the hooting of the steam engines on the railroad and the distant howl of the recorded wolves at the Haunted Mansion. The world drops away from you, recedes until you're nothing but a speck, a mote in blackness.

I was hyperventilating, light-headed. Deliberately, I slowed my breath, put my head between my knees until the dizziness passed.

'Take me to Lil,' I said.

Driving together, hammering cigarette after cigarette into my face, I remembered the night Dan had come to Disney World, when I'd driven him to my-Lil's-house, and how happy I'd been then, how secure.

I looked at Dan and he patted my hand. 'Strange times,' he said.

It was enough. We found Lil in an underground break-room, lightly dozing on a ratty sofa. Her head rested on Tom's lap, her feet on Rita's. All three snored softly. They'd had a long night.

Dan shook Lil awake. She stretched out and opened her eyes, looked sleepily at me. The blood drained from her face.

'Hello, Julius,' she said, coldly.

Now Tom and Rita were awake, too. Lil sat up.

'Were you going to tell me?' I asked, quietly. 'Or were you just going to kick me out and let me find out on my own?'

'You were my next stop,' Lil said.

'Then I've saved you some time.' I pulled up a chair. 'Tell me all about it.'

'There's nothing to tell,' Rita snapped. 'You're out. You had to know it was coming-for God's sake, you were tearing Liberty Square apart!'

'How would you know?' I asked. I struggled to remain calm. 'You've been asleep for ten years!'

'We got updates,' Rita said. 'That's why we're back-we couldn't let it go on the way it was. We owed it to Debra.'

'And Lillian,' Tom said.

'And Lillian,' Rita said, absently.

Dan pulled up a chair of his own. 'You're not being fair to him,' he said. At least someone was on my side.

'We've been more than fair,' Lil said. 'You know that better than anyone, Dan. We've forgiven and forgiven and forgiven, made every allowance. He's sick and he won't take the cure. There's nothing more we can do for him.'

'You could be his friend,' Dan said. The light-headedness was back, and I slumped in my chair, tried to control my breathing, the panicked thumping of my heart.

'You could try to understand, you could try to help him. You could stick with him, the way he stuck with you. You don't have to toss him out on his ass.'

Lil had the good grace to look slightly shamed. 'I'll get him a room,' she said. 'For a month. In Kissimmee. A motel. I'll pick up his network access. Is that fair?'

'It's more than fair,' Rita said. Why did she hate me so much? I'd been there for her daughter while she was away-ah. That might do it, all right. 'I don't think it's warranted. If you want to take care of him, sir, you can. It's none of my family's business.'

Lil's eyes blazed. 'Let me handle this,' she said. 'All right?'

Rita stood up abruptly. 'You do whatever you want,' she said, and stormed out of the room.

'Why are you coming here for help?' Tom said, ever the voice of reason. 'You seem capable enough.'

'I'm going to be taking a lethal injection at the end of the week,' Dan said. 'Three days. That's personal, but you asked.'

Tom shook his head. Some friends you've got yourself, I could see him thinking it.

'That soon?' Lil asked, a throb in her voice.

Dan nodded.

In a dreamlike buzz, I stood and wandered out into the utilidor, out through the western castmember parking, and away.

I wandered along the cobbled, disused Walk Around the World, each flagstone engraved with the name of a family that had visited the Park a century before. The names whipped past me like epitaphs.

The sun came up noon high as I rounded the bend of deserted beach between the Grand Floridian and the Polynesian. Lil and I had come here often, to watch the sunset from a hammock, arms around each other, the Park spread out before us like a lighted toy village.

Now the beach was deserted, the Wedding Pavilion silent. I felt suddenly cold though I was sweating freely. So cold.

Dreamlike, I walked into the lake, water filling my shoes, logging my pants, warm as blood, warm on my chest, on my chin, on my mouth, on my eyes.

I opened my mouth and inhaled deeply, water filling my lungs, choking and warm. At first I sputtered, but I was in control now, and I inhaled again. The water shimmered over my eyes, and then was dark.

***

I woke on Doctor Pete's cot in the Magic Kingdom, restraints around my wrists and ankles, a tube in my nose. I closed my eyes, for a moment believing that I'd been restored from a backup, problems solved, memories behind me.

Sorrow knifed through me as I realized that Dan was probably dead by now, my memories of him gone forever.

Gradually, I realized that I was thinking nonsensically. The fact that I remembered Dan meant that I hadn't been refreshed from my backup, that my broken brain was still there, churning along in unmediated isolation.

I coughed again. My ribs ached and throbbed in counterpoint to my head. Dan took my hand.

'You're a pain in the ass, you know that?' he said, smiling.

'Sorry,' I choked.

'You sure are,' he said. 'Lucky for you they found you-another minute or two and I'd be burying you right now.'

No, I thought, confused. They'd have restored me from backup. Then it hit me: I'd gone on record refusing restore from backup after having it recommended by a medical professional. No one would have restored me after that. I would have been truly and finally dead. I started to shiver.

'Easy,' Dan said. 'Easy. It's all right now. Doctor says you've got a cracked rib or two from the CPR, but there's no brain damage.'

'No additional brain damage,' Doctor Pete said, swimming into view. He had on his professionally calm bedside face, and it reassured me despite myself.

He shooed Dan away and took his seat. Once Dan had left the room, he shone lights in my eyes and peeked in my ears, then sat back and considered me. 'Well, Julius,' he said. 'What exactly is the problem? We can get you a lethal injection if that's what you want, but offing yourself in the Seven Seas Lagoon just isn't good show. In the meantime, would you like to talk about it?'

Part of me wanted to spit in his eye. I'd tried to talk about it and he'd told me to go to hell, and now he changes his mind? But I did want to talk.

'I didn't want to die,' I said.

'Oh no?' he said. 'I think the evidence suggests the contrary.'

'I wasn't trying to die,' I protested. 'I was trying to-' What? I was trying to…