Lost in a Good Book

removed from his collar. I was ushered off-stage and, after what seemed like an epoch of inactivity, Lush was counted in by a floor manager. On cue he turned to Camera 1 and switched on his best smile.

‘Tonight is a very special occasion with a very special guest. She is a decorated war heroine, a literary detective whose personal intervention not only restored the novel Jane Eyre but actually improved the ending. She single-handedly defeated Acheron Hades, ended the Crimean War and boldly hoodwinked the Goliath Corporation. Ladies and gentlemen, in an unprecedented interview from a serving SpecOps officer, please give a warm welcome to Thursday Next of the Swindon LiteraTec office…!’

A bright light swung on to my entrance doorway and Adie smiled and tapped my arm. I walked out to meet Lush, who rose to greet me enthusiastically.

‘Excuse me,’ came a voice from the front row. It was Schitt-Hawse, the Goliath representative.

‘Yes?’ asked Lush in an icy tone.

‘You’re going to have to drop the reference to the Goliath Corporation,’ said Schitt-Hawse in the sort of tone that brooks no argument. ‘It serves no purpose other than to needlessly embarrass a large company that is doing its very best to improve everyone’s lives.’

‘I agree,’ said Flanker, ‘and all references to Hades will have to be avoided. He is still listed as “missing, fervently hoped dead”, so any unauthorised speculation might have dangerous consequences.’

‘Okay,’ murmured Lush, scrubbing a note. ‘Anything else?’

‘Any reference to the Crimean War and the Plasma rifle,’ said the colonel, ‘might be considered inappropriate. The peace talks at Budapest are still at a delicate stage; the Russians will make any excuse to leave the table. We know that your show is very popular in Moscow.’

‘The Bronte Federation is not keen for you to say the new ending is improved,’ put in the small and bespectacled Chesterman, ‘and talking about any of the characters you met within Jane Eyre might cause some viewers to suffer Xplkqulkiccasia. It’s so serious that the English Medical Council were compelled to make up an especially unpronounceable word to describe it.’

Lush looked at them, looked at me and then looked at his script.

‘How about if I just said her name?’

‘That would be admirable,’ intoned Flanker, ‘except you might also want to assure the viewers that this interview is uncensored. Everyone else agree?’

They all enthusiastically added their assent to Flanker’s suggestion. I could see this was going to be a very long and tedious afternoon.

Lush’s entourage came back on and made the tiniest adjustments. I was repositioned and, after waiting what seemed like another decade, Lush began again.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, in a frank and open interview tonight, Thursday Next talks unhindered about her work at SpecOps.’

No one said anything so I entered, shook Lush’s hand and took a seat on his sofa.

‘Welcome to the show, Thursday.’

‘Thank you.’

‘We’ll get on to your career in the Crimea in a moment, but I’d like to kick off by asking—’

With a magician’s flourish he produced a platter.

‘—if you would care for some toast?’

‘No thanks.’

‘Tasty and nutritious!’ He smiled, facing the camera. ‘Perfect as a snack or even a light meal—good with eggs, sardines or even—’

‘No, thank you.’

Lush’s smile froze on his face as he muttered through clenched teeth:

‘Have… some… toast.’

But it was too late. The floor manager came on the set and announced that the unseen director of the show had called cut. The small army of beauticians came on and fussed over Adrian as the floor manager had a one-way conversation into his headphones before turning to me.

‘The Director of Placements wants to know if you would take a small bite of toast when offered.’

‘I’ve eaten already.’

The floor manager turned and spoke into his headphones again.

‘She says she’s eaten already!! …I know… yes… what if… yes… ah-ha… What do you want me to do? Sit on her and force it down her throat!?! …yesss… ah-ha… I know… yes… yes… okay.’

He turned back to me.

‘How about jam instead of marmalade?’

‘I don’t really like toast,’ I told him.

‘What?’

‘I said I don’t—’

‘She says she doesn’t like toast!’ said the floor manager in an exasperated tone. ‘What in hell’s name are we going to do!?!’

Flanker stood up.

‘Next, eat the sodding toast, will you? I’ve got a meeting in two hours.’

‘And I’ve a golf tournament,’ added Braxton.

I gave up.

‘Okay. Make it granary with marmalade, go easy on the butter.’

The floor manager smiled as though I had just saved his job—which I probably had—and everything started over once again.

‘Would you like some toast?’ asked Lush.

‘Thanks.’

I took a small bite.

‘Very good.’

I saw the floor manager giving me an enthusiastic thumbs-up as he dabbed his brow with a handkerchief.

‘Right.’ Lush sighed. ‘Let’s get on with it. First I would like to ask the question that everyone wants answered, how did you actually get into the book of Jane Eyre in the first place?’

‘That’s easily explained,’ I began. ‘You see, my Uncle Mycroft invented a device called a Prose Portal —’

Flanker coughed.

‘Ms Next, perhaps you don’t know it but your uncle is still the subject of a secrecy certificate dating back to 1934. It might be prudent if you didn’t mention him—or the Prose Portal.’

Lush thought for a moment.

‘Can I talk to Miss Next about how she met Hades for the first time, just after he stole the original manuscript of Martin Chuzzlewit?’

‘That would be fine if you don’t mention Hades,’ replied Flanker.

‘It’s not something we want the citizenry to think is—’ said Marat so suddenly that quite a few people jumped. Up until that moment he hadn’t said a word.

‘Sorry?’ asked Flanker.

‘Nothing,’ said the ChronoGuard operative in a quiet voice. ‘I’m just getting a touch proleptic in my old age.’

Lush continued.

‘Can she talk about the pursuit of Hades into the Welsh Republic and the successful return of Jane to her book?’

‘Same rules apply,’ growled Flanker.

‘How about the time that my partner Bowden and I drove through a patch of Bad Time on the M1?’ I asked.

‘It’s not something we want the citizenry to think is easy,’ said Marat with renewed enthusiasm. ‘If the