The Eyre Affair

the new technology is all bluff?’

‘But they won’t,’ replied Schitt. ‘The technology might be impossible out here but it isn’t impossible in there.’

He patted the large book that was the Prose Portal and looked at Mycroft’s genetically engineered bookworms. They were on Rest & Recuperation at present in their goldfish bowl; they had just digested a recent meal of prepositions and were happily farting out apostrophes and ampersands; the air was heav’y with th’em & Schitt held up a book whose title was clearly visible. It read: The Plasma Rifle in War. I looked at Mycroft, who nodded miserably.

‘That’s right, Mis’s Next.’

Schitt smiled & tapped the cover with the back of his hand.

‘In he’re the Pla’sma Rifle work’s perf&ectly. All we ha’ve to do is open’ the book with the Pros’e Portal, bring out the we’apons & is’sue them. It’s the ultimate weapon, Mis’s’ Next.’

But he wasn’t referring to the plasma rifle. He was pointing to the Prose Portal. The bookworms responded by belching out large quantities of unnecessary capitalisations.

‘Any’thing That The Hu’man Imagination Can Think Up, We Can Reproduce. I Look At The Port’al as Les’s Of A Gateway To A Million World’s, But More Like A Three Dim’ensional P’hotocopier. With It We Can Ma’ke Anything We Want; Even Another Portal—a H&held Version. Chri’stmas Every Day, Miss Next.’

‘More Death In The Cr’imea; I Ho’pe You Can Sleep Well At Night, Schitt.’

‘On The Co’ntrary, Miss’ Next. Russia Will Roll Over & Piss” Over Itself When It Witnesse’s The Power Of Stonk. The Czar Will Permanently Cede The Peninsula To England; a New Riviera, Won’t That be nice?’

‘Nice? Sun Lounger’s & High-Rise Hotel’s? Built On L& That Will Be Dem&ed Back Half a Century From Now? You’re Not S’olving Anything, Schitt, Merely Delaying It. When The Russian’s Have a Plasma Rifle Of Their Own, Then What?’

Jack Schitt was unrepentant.

‘Oh, Don’t Worry About That, Miss Next, I’ll Charge The’m Twice What I”ll Charge The Eng’lish Government!’

‘Hear, Hear!’ put in Hades, who was deeply impressed by Schitt’s total absence of scruples so far.

‘A Hundred Million’ Dollars Fo’r The Portal, Thursday,’ added Hades excitedly, ‘& a 50% Cut On Every’thing That’ Comes Out Of It!’

‘A Lackey For The Goliath Corpor’ation, Acheron? That Doesn’t Sound Like You At All.’

Hades’ cheek quivered but he fought it, answering:

‘Out Of Small Acorn’s, Thur’sday…’

Schitt looked at him suspiciously. He nodded to one of his men, who levelled a small anti-tank gun at Hades.

‘Hade’s, The Instructio’n Manual.’

‘Please!’ pleaded Mycroft. ‘You’re Upsetting The Wor’ms! They’re Starting to hy-phe-nate!’

‘Shut-up, My-croft,’ snapped Schitt. ‘Ha-de’s, please, The In-Struc-tion Man-ual.’

‘Man-ual, My De’ar Chap?’

‘Yes, Mr Hade’s. Ev-en You Will Not be Im-Pervious To My Associate’s Small Artillery Piece. You Have My-croft’s Manual For The Por-tal & The Po-em In Which You Have Im-pris-oned Mrs Next. Give-Them-To- Me.’

‘No, Mr—Schitt. Give Me The Gun—‘

But Schitt didn’t flicker; the power that had stolen Snood and countless other people’s reason had no effect on Schitt’s dark soul. Hades’ face fell. He had not come across someone like Schitt before; not since the first Felix, anyhow. He laughed.

‘You Dare To Dou-ble—Cross-Me?’

‘Sure I Do. If I Did-n’t You’d Have No Res’-pect From Me & That’s No Basis’ For A Work-able Part- ner-ship.’

Hades dodged in front of the Prose Portal.

‘& To Think We Were All Get-ti’ng A-long So Well, Too—!’ he exclaimed, placing the original manuscript of Jane Eyre back into the machine and adding the bookworms, who settled down, stopped farting, belching and hyphenating and got to work.

‘Really!’ continued Hades. ‘I expected better from you, I must say. I almost thought I had found someone who could be a partner.’

‘But you’d want it all, Hades,’ replied Schitt. ‘Sooner or later and most probably sooner.’

‘True, very true.’

Hades nodded to Felix8 who immediately started shooting. Bowden and I were directly in his line of fire; there was no way he could miss. My heart leaped but strangely the first bullet slowed and stopped in midair three inches from my chest. It was the initial volley of a deadly procession that snaked lazily all the way back to Felix8’s weapon, its muzzle now a frozen chrysanthemum of fire. I looked across at Bowden, who was also in line for a slug; the shiny bullet had stopped a foot from his head. But he was not stirring. Indeed, the whole room was not stirring. My father, for once, had arrived at precisely the right moment.

‘Have I come at a bad time?’ asked Dad, looking up from where he was sitting at the dusty grand piano. ‘I can go away again if you want.’

‘N-no, Dad, this is good, real good,’ I muttered.

I looked around the room. My father never stayed for longer than five minutes, and when he left the bullets would almost certainly carry on to their intended victim. My eyes alighted on a heavy table and I upended it, sending dust, debris and empty Leek-U-Like containers to the floor.

‘Have you ever heard of someone named Winston Churchill?’ asked my father.

‘No; who’s he?’ I gasped as I heaved the heavy oak table in front of Bowden.

‘Ah!’ said my father, making a note in a small book. ‘Well, he was meant to lead England in the last war but I think he was killed in a fall as a teenager. It’s most awkward.’

‘Another victim of the French revisionists?’

My father didn’t answer. His attention had switched to the middle of the room, where Hades was working on the Prose Portal. Time, for men like Hades, rarely stood still.

‘Oh, don’t mind me!’ said Hades as a shaft of light opened up in the gloom. ‘I’m just going to step inside until all this unpleasantness is over. I have the instruction manual and Polly, so we can still bargain.’

‘Who’s that?’ asked my father.

‘Acheron Hades.’

‘Is it? I expected someone shorter.’

But Hades had gone; the Prose Portal buzzed slightly and then closed after him.

‘I’ve got some repairs to do,’ announced my father, getting up and closing his notebook. ‘Time waits for no man, as we say.’

I just had time to duck behind a large bureau as the world started up again. The hail of lead from Felix8 struck the heavy oak table I had manoeuvred in front of Bowden, and the bullets that had been destined for me thudded into the wooden door behind where I had been standing. Within the space of two seconds the room was full of gunfire as the Goliath operatives joined in, covering Jack Schitt, who, perplexed that Hades had vanished in mid-sentence, was now beating a retreat to the door leading to the old Atlantic Grill. Mycroft threw himself to the floor followed closely by Jane as dust and debris were scattered about the room. I bellowed into Jane’s ear to stay where she was as a shot came perilously close to our heads, knocking some moulding off the furniture and showering us with dust. I crawled round to where I could see Bowden exchanging shots with Felix8, who was now trapped behind an upended mock-Georgian table next to the entrance of the Palm Court Tea Rooms. I had just loosed off a few shots at Goliath’s men, who had rapidly dragged Schitt from the room, when the firing stopped as quickly as it had begun. I reloaded.

‘Felix8!’ I shouted. ‘You can still surrender! Your real name is Danny Chance. I promise you we will do all we can to—‘

There was a strange gurgling noise and I peeked around the back of the sofa. I thought Felix8 had been