near a town or city, an we is long gone. Ole Sue knows the deal too, cause he’s settin over there with a big grin on his face, ticklin hissef under the arms.
We has played one or two games of chess an is bout to finish another, when I suddenly look down, an damned if Big Sam ain’t got me in check. He is smilin so big, all I can see in the dark is his teeth, an I figger I had better get outta this situation quick.
Only problem is, I can’t. Wile I’ve been assin aroun countin my chickens afore they’re hatched, I have put mysef in a impossible position on the chessboard. They ain’t no way out.
I studied that thing for a wile, my frown lit up plain as day from the fire’s reflection off Big Sam’s smilin teeth, an then I says, “Ah, look here—I got to go pee.” Big Sam nod, still grinnin, an I’ll tell you this, it was the first time I can remember when sayin somethin like that got me
I went on back behin the hovel an took a pee, but then instead of goin back to the chess game, I went in an got ole Sue an splained to him what the deal was. Then I snuck up on Grurck’s hut an whispered for Major Fritch. She come out, an I tole her too, an say we’d better get our butts outta here afore we is all parboiled or somethin.
Well, we all decided to make a break for it. Grurck, he say he’s comin with us on account of he’s in love with Major Fritch—or however he expressed it. Anyway, the four of us started creepin out of the village an we got down to the edge of the river an was just bout to get in one of the native canoes, when all of a sudden I look up an standin there over me is Big Sam with about a thousan of his natives, lookin mean an disappointed.
“Come now, old sport,” he say, “did you really think you could outsmart this old devil?” An I tell him, “Oh, we was jus goin for a canoe ride in the moonlite—you know what I mean?”
“Yeah,” he say, he knowed what I meant, an then his men grapped us up an haul us back to the village under armed guard. The cookin cauldron is bubblin an steamin to beat the band an they has got us tied to stakes in the groun an the outlook is somethin less than rosy.
“Well, old sport,” Big Sam say, “this is a unfortunate turn of events indeed. But look at it this way, you will at least be able to console yourself by the knowledge that you have fed a hungry mouth or two. And also, I must tell you this—you are without a doubt the best chess player I have ever encountered, and I was the chess champion of Yale for three of the four years I was there.
“As for you, madam,” Big Sam say to Major Fritch, “I am sorry to have to bring your little
“No I
“Perhaps we can serve you an Grurck on the same platter,” Big Sam chuckled, “a little light an dark meat—myself, I’ll take a thigh, or possibly a breast—now that would be a nice touch.”
“You vile, unspeakable ass!” say Major Fritch.
“Whatever,” Big Sam says. “And now, let the feast begin!”
They begun untyin us an a bunch of them jiggaboos hauled us towards the cookin pot. They lifted up po ole Sue first, cause Big Sam say he will make good “stock,” an they was holdin him above the cauldron about to thow him in, when lo an behole, a arrow come out of noplace an strike one of the fellers hoistin up Sue. The feller fall down an Sue drop on top of him. Then more arrows come rainin down on us from the edge of the jungle, an everbody is in a panic.
“It is the pygmies!” shout Big Sam. “Get to your arms!” an everbody run to get they spears an knives.
Since we ain’t got no spears or knives, Major Fritch, me an Sue an Grurck start runnin down towards the river again, but we ain’t no more than ten feet down the path when all of a sudden we is snatched up feet first by some kind of snares set in the trees.
We is hangin there, upside down like bats, an all the blood rushin to our heads, when this little guy come out of the brush an he be laughin an gigglin at us all trussed up. All sorts of savage sounds are comin from the village, but after a wile, everthing quiet down. Then a bunch of other pygmies come an cut us down an tie our hans an feet an lead us back to the village.
It is a sight! They has captured Big Sam an all his natives an has them tied up han an foot too. Look like they is bout to thow them into the boilin pot.
“Well, old sport,” Big Sam say, “seems like you were saved in the nick of time, doesn’t it?”
I nod my head, but I ain’t sure if we isn’t jus out of the fryin pan an into the fire.
“Tell you what,” says Big Sam, “looks like it’s all over for me an my fellers, but maybe you have a chance. If you can get to that harmonica of yours an play a little tune or two, it might save your life. The king of the pygmies is crazy for American music.”
“Thanks,” I say.
“Don’t mention it, old sport,” Big Sam say. They lifted him up high an was holdin him over the boilin cauldron, an suddenly he call out to me, “Knight to bishop three—then rook ten to king seven—that’s how I beat you!”
They was a big splash, and then all Big Sam’s trussed-up natives begun chantin “boola-boola” again. Things are lookin down for us all.
16
After they done finished cookin big Sam’s tribe, an shrinkin they heads, the pygmies slung us between long poles an carried us off like pigs into the jungle.
“What do you spose they intend to do with us?” Major Fritch call out to me.
“I don’t know, an I don’t give a shit,” I call back, an that were about the truth. I’m tired of all this crappola. A man can take jus so much.
Anyhow, after about a day or so we come to the village of the pygmies, an as you might expec, they has got a bunch of little tiny huts in a clearin in the jungle. They truck us up to a hut in the center of the clearin where there is a bunch of pygmies standin aroun—an one little ole feller with a long white beard an no teeth settin up in a high chair like a baby. I figger him to be the king of the pygmies.
They tumped us out onto the groun an untied us, an we stood up an dusted ourselfs off an the king of the pygmies commence jabberin some gibberish an then he get down from his chair an go straight up to Sue an kick him in the balls.
“How come he done that?” I axed Grurck, who had learnt to speak some English wile he was livin with Major Fritch.
“Him want to know if ape is boy or girl,” Grurck say.
I figger there must be a nicer way to find that out, but I ain’t sayin nothin.
Then the king, he come up to me an start talkin some of that gibberish—pygmalion, or whatever it is—an I’m preparing to get kicked in the balls too, but Grurck say, “Him want to know why you livin with them awful cannibals.”
“Tell him it weren’t exactly our idea,” Major Fritch pipe up an say.
“I got a idea,” I says. “Tell him we is American musicians.”
Grurck say this to the king an he be peerin at us real hard, an then he axe Grurck somethin.
“What’s he say?” Major Fritch want to know.
“Him axe what the ape plays,” say Grurck.
“Tell him the ape plays the spears,” I say, an Grurck do that, an then the king of the pygmies announce he want to hear us perform.
I get out my harmonica an start playin a little tune—”De Camptown Races.” King of the pygmies listen for a minute, then he start clappin his hans an doin what look to be a clog dance.
After I’m finished, he say he wants to know what Major Fritch an Grurck plays, an I tell Grurck to say Major Fritch plays the knives an that Grurck don’t play nothin—he is the manager.
