necessity of having to confront them with his authority.
Back in his office, he wept; and when he finished weeping he washed the blood from his mouth and nose, scrubbed the dirt from the abrasions on his cheek and forehead, and summoned Sergeant Towser.
‘From now on,’ he said, ‘I don’t want anyone to come in to see me while I’m here. Is that clear?’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Sergeant Towser. ‘Does that include me?’
‘Yes.’
‘I see. Will that be all?’
‘Yes.’
‘What shall I say to the people who do come to see you while you’re here?’
‘Tell them I’m in and ask them to wait.’
‘Yes, sir. For how long?’
‘Until I’ve left.’
‘And then what shall I do with them?’
‘I don’t care.’
‘May I send them in to see you after you’ve left?’
‘Yes.’
‘But you won’t be here then, will you?’
‘No.’
‘Yes, sir. Will that be all?’
‘Yes.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘From now on,’ Major Major said to the middle-aged enlisted man who took care of his trailer, ‘I don’t want you to come here while I’m here to ask me if there’s anything you can do for me. Is that clear?’
‘Yes, sir,’ said the orderly. ‘When should I come here to find out if there’s anything you want me to do for you?’
‘When I’m not here.’
‘Yes, sir. And what should I do?’
‘Whatever I tell you to.’
‘But you won’t be here to tell me. Will you?’
‘No.’
‘Then what should I do?’
‘Whatever has to be done.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘That will be all,’ said Major Major.
‘Yes, sir,’ said the orderly. ‘Will that be all?’
‘No,’ said Major Major. ‘Don’t come in to clean, either. Don’t come in for anything unless you’re sure I’m not here.’
‘Yes, sir. But how can I always be sure?’
‘If you’re not sure, just assume that I am here and go away until you are sure. Is that clear?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘I’m sorry to have to talk to you in this way, but I have to. Goodbye.’
‘Goodbye, sir.’
‘And thank you. For everything.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘From now on,’ Major Major said to Milo Minderbinder, ‘I’m not going to come to the mess hall any more. I’ll have all my meals brought to me in my trailer.’
‘I think that’s a good idea, sir,’ Milo answered. ‘Now I’ll be able to serve you special dishes that the others will never know about. I’m sure you’ll enjoy them. Colonel Cathcart always does.’
‘I don’t want any special dishes. I want exactly what you serve all the other officers. Just have whoever brings it knock once on my door and leave the tray on the step. Is that clear?’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Milo. ‘That’s very clear. I’ve got some live Maine lobsters hidden away that I can serve you tonight with an excellent Roquefort salad and two frozen éclairs that were smuggled out of Paris only yesterday together with an important member of the French underground. Will that do for a start?’
‘No.’
‘Yes, sir. I understand.’ For dinner that night Milo served him broiled Maine lobster with excellent Roquefort salad and two frozen éclairs. Major Major was annoyed. If he sent it back, though, it would only go to waste or to somebody else, and Major Major had a weakness for broiled lobster. He ate with a guilty conscience. The next day for lunch there was terrapin Maryland with a whole quart of Dom Pérignon 1937, and Major Major gulped it down without a thought.
After Milo, there remained only the men in the orderly room, and Major Major avoided them by entering and leaving every time through the dingy celluloid window of his office. The window unbuttoned and was low and large and easy to jump through from either side. He managed the distance between the orderly room and his trailer by darting around the corner of the tent when the coast was clear, leaping down into the railroad ditch and dashing along with head bowed until he attained the sanctuary of the forest. Abreast of his trailer, he left the ditch and wove his way speedily toward home through the dense underbrush, in which the only person he ever encountered was Captain Flume, who, drawn and ghostly, frightened him half to death one twilight by materializing without warning out of a patch of dewberry bushes to complain that Chief White Halfoat had threatened to slit his throat open from ear to ear.
‘If you ever frighten me like that again,’ Major Major told him, ‘I’ll slit your throat open from ear to ear.’ Captain Flume gasped and dissolved right back into the patch of dewberry bushes, and Major Major never set eyes on him again.
When Major Major looked back on what he had accomplished, he was pleased. In the midst of a few foreign acres teeming with more than two hundred people, he had succeeded in becoming a recluse. With a little ingenuity and vision, he had made it all but impossible for anyone in the squadron to talk to him, which was just fine with everyone, he noticed, since no one wanted to talk to him anyway. No one, it turned out, but that madman Yossarian, who brought him down with a flying tackle one day as he was scooting along the bottom of the ditch to his trailer for lunch.
The last person in the squadron Major Major wanted to be brought down with a flying tackle by was Yossarian. There was something inherently disreputable about Yossarian, always carrying on so disgracefully about that dead man in his tent who wasn’t even there and then taking off all his clothes after the Avignon mission and going around without them right up to the day General Dreedle stepped up to pin a medal on him for his heroism over Ferrara and found him standing in formation stark naked. No one in the world had the power to remove the dead man’s disorganized effects from Yossarian’s tent. Major Major had forfeited the authority when he permitted Sergeant Towser to report the lieutenant who had been killed over Orvieto less than two hours after he arrived in the squadron as never having arrived in the squadron at all. The only one with any right to remove his belongings from Yossarian’s tent, it seemed to Major Major, was Yossarian himself, and Yossarian, it seemed to Major Major, had no right.
Major Major groaned after Yossarian brought him down with a flying tackle, and tried to wiggle to his feet. Yossarian wouldn’t let him.
‘Captain Yossarian,’ Yossarian said, ‘requests permission to speak to the major at once about a matter of life or death.’
‘Let me up, please,’ Major Major bid him in cranky discomfort. ‘I can’t return your salute while I’m lying on my arm.’ Yossarian released him. They stood up slowly. Yossarian saluted again and repeated his request.
‘Let’s go to my office,’ Major Major said. ‘I don’t think this is the best place to talk.’
‘Yes, sir,’ answered Yossarian.
They smacked the gravel from their clothing and walked in constrained silence to the entrance of the orderly room.
‘Give me a minute or two to put some mercurochrome on these cuts. Then have Sergeant Towser send you in.’
