Can You Keep A Secret?

look idly around. This street is completely nondescript. In fact, it's pretty shabby. Just rows of

identical doors and blanked-out windows and barely any sign of life. But just think. Hidden

behind this grim facade is the whole of London celebrity society!

'Hi, is Alexander there?' says Lissy nervously. There's a moment's silence, then as if by magic,

the door clicks open.

Oh my God. This is like Aladdin or something. Looking apprehensively at each other, we

make our way down a lit corridor pulsing with music. We come to a flat, stainless steel door,

and Lissy reaches for her key. As it opens, I quickly tug at my top and casually rearrange my

hair.

'OK,' Lissy mutters. 'Don't look. Don't stare. Just be cool.'

'All right,' I mutter back, and follow Lissy into the club. As she shows her membership card to

a girl at a desk, I stare studiously at her back, and as we walk through into a large, dim room, I

keep my eyes fixed on the beige carpet. I'm not going to gawp at the celebrities. I'm not going

to stare. I'm not going to-

'Lookout!'

Oops. I was so busy gazing at the floor, I blundered right into Lissy.

'Sorry,' I whisper. 'Where shall we sit down?'

I don't dare look around the room for a free seat, in case I see Madonna and she thinks I'm

staring at her. 'Here,' says Lissy, gesturing to a wooden table with an odd little jerk of her

head.

Somehow we manage to sit down, stow our bags and pick up the lists of cocktails, all the time

rigidly staring at each other.

'Have you seen anyone?' I murmur.

'No. Have you?'

'No.' I open the cocktail menu and run my eyes down it. God this is a strain. My eyes are

starting to ache. I want to look around. I want to see the place.

'Lissy,' I hiss. 'I'm going to have a look round.'

'Really?' Lissy stares at me anxiously, as though I'm Steve McQueen announcing he's going

over the wire. 'Well… OK. But be careful. Be discreet.'

'I will. I'll be fine!'

OK. Here we go. A quick, non-gawping sweep. I lean back in my chair, take a deep breath,

then allow my eyes to skim swiftly round the room, taking in as much detail as quickly as I

can. Low lighting… lots of purple sofas and chairs… a couple of guys in T-shirts… three

girls in jeans and jumpers, God, Lissy's going to freak… a couple whispering to each other

… a guy with a beard reading Private Eye … and that's it.

That can't be it.

This can't be right. Where's Robbie Williams? Where's Jude and Sadie? Where are all the

supermodels?

'Who did you see?' hisses Lissy, still staring at the cocktail menu.

'I'm not sure,' I whisper uncertainly. 'Maybe that guy with the beard is some famous actor?'

Casually, Lissy turns in her seat and gives him a look.

'I don't think so,' she says at last, turning back.

'Well, how about the guy in the grey T-shirt?' I say, gesturing hopefully. 'Is he in a boy band

or something?'

'Mmm… no. I don't think so.'

There's silence as we look at each other.

'Is anyone famous here?' I say at last.

'Celebrities aren't guaranteed!' says Lissy defensively.

'I know! But you'd think-'

'Hi!' A voice interrupts us and we both look round, to see two of the girls in jeans approaching

our table. One of them is smiling at me nervously. 'I hope you don't mind, but my friends and

I were just wondering — aren't you that new one in Hollyoaks?'

Oh, for God's sake.

Anyway. I don't care. We didn't come here to see tacky celebrities taking coke and showing

off. We just came to have a nice quiet drink together.

We order strawberry daiquiris and some luxury mixed nuts (?4.50, for a small bowl. Don't

even ask how much the drinks cost). And I have to admit, I feel a bit more relaxed now I

know there's no-one famous to impress.

'How's your work going?' I ask, as I sip my drink.

'Oh, it's fine,' says Lissy with a vague shrug. 'I saw the Jersey Fraudster today.'

The Jersey Fraudster is this client of Lissy's who keeps being charged with fraud and

appealing and — because Lissy's so brilliant — getting let out. One minute he's wearing

handcuffs, the next he's dressed in hand-made suits and taking her to lunch at the Ritz.

'He tried to buy me a diamond brooch,' says Lissy, rolling her eyes. 'He had this Asprey's

catalogue and he kept saying 'That one's rather jolly.' And I was like, 'Humphrey, you're in

prison! Concentrate!'' She shakes her head, takes a sip of her drink, and looks up. 'So… what

about your man?'

I know at once she means Jack, but I don't want to admit that's where my mind has leapt to, so

I attempt a blank look and say, 'Who, Connor?'

'No, you dope! Your stranger on the plane. The one who knows everything about you.'

'Oh him.' I feel a flush coming to my cheeks, and look down at my embossed paper coaster.

'Yes, him! Have you managed to avoid him?'

'No,' I admit. 'He won't bloody leave me alone.'

I break off as a waiter puts two fresh strawberry daiquiris on the table. When he's gone, Lissy

gives me a close look.

'Emma, do you fancy this guy?'

'No, of course I don't fancy him,' I say hotly. 'He just… disconcerts me, that's all. It's a

completely natural reaction. You'd be the same. Anyway, it's fine. I only have to get through

until Friday. Then he'll be gone.'

'And then you'll be moving in with Connor.' Lissy takes a sip of her daiquiri and leans

forward. 'You know, I reckon he's going to ask you to marry him!'

I feel a tiny lurch in my stomach, which is probably just my drink going down or something.

'You're so lucky,' says Lissy wistfully. 'You know, he put up those shelves in my room the

other day without even asking! How many men would do that?'

'I know. He's just… great.' There's a pause, and I start to shred my paper coaster into little

bits. 'I suppose the only tiny little thing would be that it's not that romantic any more.'

'You can't expect it to be romantic for ever,' says Lissy. 'Things change. It's natural to become

a bit more steady.'

'Oh, I know that!' I say. 'We're two mature, sensible people, and we're having a loving, steady

relationship! Which, you know, is just what I want out of life. Except…' I clear my throat

awkwardly. 'We don't have sex that often any more…'

'That's a common problem in long-term relationships,' says Lissy knowledgeably. 'You need

to spice it up.'

'With what?'

'Have you tried handcuffs?'