Guards! Guards!

. . . where the Patrician was having a difficult lunch-time.

'Gentlemen!' he snapped. 'I really don't see what else there is to do!'

The assembled civic leaders muttered amongst themselves.

'At times like this it's traditional that a hero comes forth,' said the President of the Guild of Assassins. 'A dragon slayer. Where is he, that's what I want to know? Why aren't our schools turning out young people with the kind of skills society needs?'

'Fifty thousand dollars doesn't sound much,' said the Chairman of the Guild of Thieves.

'It may not be much to you, my dear sir, but it is all the city can afford,' said the Patrician firmly.

'If it doesn't afford any more than that I don't think there'll be a city for long,' said the thief.

'And what about trade?' said the representative of the Guild of Merchants. 'People aren't going to sail here with a cargo of rare comestibles just to have it incinerated, are they?'

'Gentlemen! Gentlemen!' The Patrician raised his hands in a conciliatory fashion. 'It seems to me,' he went on, taking advantage of the brief pause, 'that what we have here is a strictly magical phenomenon. I would like to hear from our learned friend on this point. Hmm?'

Someone nudged the Archchancellor of Unseen University, who had nodded off.

'Eh? What?' said the wizard, startled into wakefulness.

'We were wondering,' said the Patrician loudly, 'what you were intending to do about this dragon of yours?'

The Archchancellor was old, but a lifetime of survival in the world of competitive wizardry and the byzantine politics of Unseen University meant that he could whip up a defensive argument in a split second. You didn't remain Archchancellor for long if you let that sort of ingenuous remark whizz past your ear.

'My dragon?' he said.

'It's well known that the great dragons are extinct,' said the Patrician brusquely. 'And, besides, their natural habitat was definitely rural. So it seems to me that this one must be mag…'

'With respect, Lord Vetinari,' said the Archchancellor, 'it has often been claimed that dragons are extinct, but the current evidence, if I may make so bold, tends to cast a certain doubt on the theory. As to habitat, what we are seeing here is simply a change of behaviour pattern, occasioned by the spread of urban areas into the countryside which has led many hitherto rural creatures to adopt, nay in many cases to positively embrace, a more municipal mode of existence, and many of them thrive on the new opportunities thereby opened to them. For example, foxes are always knocking over my dustbins.'

He beamed. He'd managed to get all the way through it without actually needing to engage his brain.

'Are you saying,' said the assassin slowly, 'that what we've got here is the first civic dragon?'

'That's evolution for you,' said the wizard, happily. 'It should do well, too,' he added. 'Plenty of nesting sites, and a more than adequate food supply.'

Silence greeted this statement, until the merchant said. 'What exactly is it that they do eat?'

The thief shrugged. 'I seem to recall stories about virgins chained to huge rocks,' he volunteered.

'It'll starve round here, then,' said the assassin. 'We 're on loam.'

'They used to go around ravening,' said the thief. 'Dunno if that's any help ...'

'Anyway,' said the leader of the merchants, 'it seems to be your problem again, my lord.'

Five minutes later the Patrician was striding the length of the Oblong Office, fuming.