Lords And Ladies

'I know she's in there,' said Verence, holding his crown in his hands in the famous At'-Senor-Mexican- Bandits-Have-Raided-Our-Village position. 'Millie heard her shout go away and I think she threw something at the door.'

Nanny Ogg nodded sagely.

'Wedding nerves,' she said. 'Bound to happen.'

'But we're all going to attend the Entertainment,' said Verence. 'She really ought to attend the Entertainment.'

'Well, I dunno,' said Nanny. 'Seeing our Jason and the rest of 'em prancing about in straw wigs . . . I mean, they mean well, but it's not something a young — a fairly young — girl has to see on the night before her nuptials. You asked her to unlock the door?'

'I did better than that,' said Verence. 'I instructed her to. That was right, wasn't it? If even Magrat won't obey me, I'm a poor lookout as king.'

'Ah,' said Nanny, after a moment's slow consideration. 'You've not entirely spent a lot of time in female company, have you? In a generalized sort of way?'

'Well, I-'

The crown spun in Verence's nervous fingers. Not only had the bandits invaded the village, but the Magnificent Seven had decided to go bowling instead.

'Tell you what,' said Nanny, patting him on the back,

'you go and preside over the Entertainment and hobnob with the other nobs. I'll see to Magrat, don't you worry. I've been a bride three times, and that's only the official score.'

'Yes, but she should-'

'I think if we go easy on the 'shoulds,'' said Nanny, 'we might all make it to the wedding. Now, off you all go.'

'Someone ought to stay here,' said Verence. 'Shawn will be on guard, but-'

'No one's going to invade, are they?' said Nanny. 'Let me sort this out.'

'Well. . . if you're sure . . .'

'Go on!'

Nanny Ogg waited until she heard them go down the main staircase. After a while a rattle of coaches and general shouting suggested that the wedding party was leaving, minus the bride-to-be.

She counted to a hundred, under her breath.

Then:

'Magrat?'

'Go away!'

'I know how it is,' said Nanny. 'I was a bit worried on the night before my wedding.' She refrained from adding:

because there was a reasonable chance Jason would turn up as an extra guest.

'I am not worried! I am angry!'

'Why?'

'You know!'

Nanny took off her hat and scratched her head.

'You've got me there,' she said.

'And he knew. I know he knew, and I know who told him,' said the muffled voice behind the door. 'It was all arranged. You must all have been laughing!'

Nanny frowned at the impassive woodwork.

'Nope,' she said. 'Still all at sea this end.'

'Well, I'm not saying anymore.'

'Everyone's gone to the Entertainment,' said Nanny Ogg.

No reply.

'And later they'll be back.' A further absence of dialogue.

'Then there'll be carousing and jugglers and fellas that put weasels down their trousers,' said Nanny. Silence.

'And then it'll be tomorrow, and then what're you going to do?'

Silence.

'You can always go back to your cottage. No one's moved in. Or you can stop along of me, if you like. But you'll have to decide, d'you see, because you can't stay locked in there.'

Nanny leaned against the wall.

'I remember years ago my granny telling me about Queen Amonia, well, I say queen, but she never was queen except for about three hours because of what I'm about to unfold, on account of them playing hide-and-seek at the wedding party and her hiding in a big heavy old chest in some attic and the lid slamming shut and no one finding her for seven months, by which time you could definitely say the wedding cake was getting a bit stale.'

Silence.

'Well, if you ain't telling me, I can't hang around all night,' said Nanny. 'It'll all be better in the morning, you'll see.'

Silence.

'Why don't you have an early night?' said Nanny. 'Our Shawn'll do you a hot drink if you ring down. It's a bit nippy out here, to tell you the truth. It's amazing how these old stone places hang on to the chill.'

Silence.

'So I'll be off then, shall I?' said Nanny, to the unyielding silence. 'Not doing much good here, I can see that. Sure you don't want to talk?'

Silence.

'Stand before your god, bow before your king, and kneel before your man. Recipe for a happy life, that is,' said Nanny, to the world in general. 'Well, I'm going away now. Tell you what, I'll come back early tomorrow, help you get ready, that sort of thing. How about it?'

Silence.

'So that's all sorted out then,' said Nanny. 'Cheerio.' She waited a full minute. By rights, by the human mechanics of situations like this, the bolts should have been drawn back and Magrat should have peeped out into the corridor, or possibly even called out to her. She did not.

Nanny shook her head. She could think of at least three ways of getting into the room, and only one of them involved going through the door. But there was a time and a place for witchcraft, and this wasn't it. Nanny Ogg had led a long and generally happy life by knowing when not to be a witch, and this was one of those times.

She went down the stairs and out of the castle. Shawn was standing guard at the main gate, surreptitiously practicing karate chops on the evening air. He stopped and looked embarrassed as Nanny Ogg approached.

'Wish I was going to the Entertainment, Mum.'

'I daresay the king will be very generous to you come payday on account of your duty,' said Nanny Ogg. 'Remind me to remind him.'

'Aren't you going?'

'Well, I'm . . . I'm just going for a stroll into town,' said Nanny. 'I expect Esme went with 'em, did she?'

'Couldn't say, Mum.'

'Just a few things I got to do.'

She hadn't gone much further before a voice behind her said, 'Ello, oh moon of my delight.'

'You do sneak up on people, Casanunda.'

'I've arranged for us to have dinner at the Goat and Bush,' said the dwarf Count.

'Ooo, that's a horrible expensive place,' said Nanny Ogg. 'Never eaten there.'

'They've got some special provisions in, what with the wedding and all the gentry here,' said Casanunda. 'I've made special arrangements.'