Lords And Ladies

And she wound up the clock yesterday,' said Nanny. 'And the tea caddy's half full, I just looked.'

'Well?'

'She wasn't sure,' said Nanny. 'Hmm.' She opened the envelope addressed to her. It was larger and flatter than the one holding the will, and contained a single piece of card.

Nanny read it, and let it drop on to the table.

'Come on,' she said. 'We ain't got much time!'

'What's the matter?'

'And bring the sugar bowl!'

Nanny wrenched open the door and hurried toward her broomstick.

'Come on!'

Magrat picked up the card. The writing was familiar. She'd seen it several times before, when calling on Granny Weatherwax unexpectedly.

It said: I ATE'NT DEAD.

'Halt! Who goes there?'

'What're you doing on guard with your arm in a sling, Shawn?'

'Duty calls. Mum.'

'Well, let us in right now.'

'Are you Friend or Foe, Mum?'

'Shawn, this is almost-Queen Magrat here with me, all right?'

'Yes, but you've got to-'

'Right now!'

'Oooaaaww, Mum!'

Magrat tried to keep up with Nanny as she scurried through the castle.

'The wizard was right. She was dead, you know. I don't blame you for hoping, but I can tell when people are dead.'

'No, you can't. I remember a few years ago you came running down to my house in tears and it turned out she was just off Borrowing. That's when she started using the sign.'

'But-'

'She wasn't sure what was going to happen,' said Nanny. 'That's good enough for me.'

'Nanny-'

'You never know until you look,' said Nanny Ogg, expounding her own Uncertainty Principle.

Nanny kicked open the doors to the Great Hall.

'What's all this?'

Ridcully got up from his chair, looking embarrassed.

'Well, it didn't seem right to leave her all alone-'

'Oh dear, oh dear,' said Nanny, gazing at the solemn tableau.

'Candles and lilies. I bet you pinched 'em yourself, out of the garden. And then you all shut her away indoors like this.'

'Well-'

'And no one even thought to leave a damn window

open! Can't you hear them?'

'Hear what?' Nanny looked around hurriedly and picked up a silver candlestick. 'No!'

Magrat snatched it out of her hand. 'This happens to be,' winding her arm back, 'very nearly,' taking aim, 'my castle-'

The candlestick flew up, turning end over end, and hit a big stained glass window right in the centre.

Fresh sunlight extruded down to the table, visibly moving in the Disc's slow magical field. And down it, like marbles down a chute, the bees cascaded.

The swarm settled on the witch's head, giving the impression of a very dangerous wig.

'What did you-' Ridcully began.

'She's going to swank about this for weeks,' said Nanny. 'No one's ever done it with bees. Their mind's everywhere, see? Not just in one bee. In the whole swarm.'

'What are you-'

Granny Weatherwax's fingers twitched.

Her eyes flickered. Very slowly, she sat up. She focused on Magrat and

Nanny Ogg with some difficulty, and said:

'I wantzzz a bunzzch of flowerszz, a pot of honey, and someone to szzzting.'

'I brung the sugar bowl, Esme,' said Nanny Ogg.

Granny eyed it hungrily, and then looked at the bees that were taking off from her head like planes from a stricken carrier.

'Pour a dzzrop of water on it, then, and tip it out on the table for them.'

She stared triumphantly at their faces as Nanny Ogg bustled off.

'I done it with beezzz! No one can do it with beezzz, and I done it! You endzzz up with your mind all flying in different directionzzz! You got to be good to do it with beezzz!'

Nanny Ogg sloshed the bowl of makeshift syrup across the table. The swarm descended.

'You're alive?' Ridcully managed.

'That's what a univerzzity education doezz for you,' said Granny, trying to massage some life into her arms. 'You've only got to be sitting up and talking for five minutzz and they can work out you're alive.'

Nanny Ogg handed her a glass of water. It hovered in the air for a moment and then crashed to the floor, because Granny had tried to grasp it with her fifth leg.

'Zzorry.'

'I knew you wasn't certain!' said Nanny.

'Czertain? Of courze I waz certain! Never in any doubt whatsoever.'

Magrat thought about the will.

'You never had a moment's doubt?'

Granny Weatherwax had the grace not to look her in the eye. Instead, she rubbed her hands together.

'What's been happening while I've been away?'

'Well,' said Nanny, 'Magrat stood up to the-'

'Oh, I knew she'd do that. Had the wedding, have you?'

'Wedding?' The rest of them exchanged glances.

'Of course not!' said Magrat. 'Brother Perdore of the Nine Day Wonderers was going to do it and he was knocked out cold by an elf, and anyway people are all-'

'Don't let's have any excuses,' said Granny briskly. 'Anyway, a senior wizard can conduct a service at a pinch, ain't that right?'

'I, I, I think so,' said Ridcully, who was falling behind a bit in world events.

'Right. A wizard's only a priest without a god and a damp handshake,' said Granny

'But half the guests have run away!' said Magrat.

'We'll round up some more,' said Granny

'Mrs. Scorbic will never get the wedding feast done in time!'

'You'll have to tell her to,' said Granny.

'The bridesmaids aren't here!'

'We'll make do.'

'I haven't got a dress!'

'What's that you've got on?'

Magrat looked down at the stained chain-mail, the mud-encrusted breastplate, and the few damp remnants of white silk that hung over them like a ragged tabard.

'Looks good to me,' said Granny 'Nanny'll do your hair.'