'Also, muscular spasms in the stiffening body can in certain circumstances-' the doctor began, but his heart wasn't in it any more. Then an idea occurred to him.
'It's a rare and mysterious ailment,' he said, 'which is going around a lot at the moment. It's caused by a — a — by some— thing so small it can't be detected in any way whatsoever,' he finished, with a self-congratulatory smile on his face. It was a good one, he had to admit. He'd have to remember it.
'Thank you very much,' said Chidder, opening the door and ushering him through. 'Next time we're feeling really well, we'll definitely call you in.'
'It's probably a walrus,' said the doctor, as he was gently but firmly propelled out of the room. 'He's caught a walrus, there's a lot of it going-'
The door slammed shut.
Teppic swung his legs off the bed and clutched at his head.
'I've got to go home,' he repeated.
'Why?' said Arthur.
'Don't know. The kingdom wants me.'
'You seemed to be taken pretty bad there-' Arthur began. Teppic waved his hands dismissively.
'Look,' he said, 'please, I don't want anyone sensibly pointing out things. I don't want anyone telling me I should rest. None of it matters. I will be back in the kingdom as soon as possible. It's not a case of must, you understand. I will. And you can help me, Chiddy.'
'How?'
'Your father has an extremely fast vessel he uses for smuggling,' said Teppic flatly. 'He will lend it to me, in exchange for favourable consideration of future trading opportunities. If we leave inside the hour, it will do the journey in plenty of time.'
'My father is an honest trader!'
'On the contrary. Seventy per cent of his income last year was from undeclared trading in the following commodities-' Teppic's eyes stared into nothingness — 'From illegal transport of gullanes and leuchars, nine per cent. From night-running of untaxed-'
'Well, thirty per cent honest,' Chidder admitted, 'which is a lot more honest than most. You'd better tell me how you know. Extremely quickly.'
'I — don't know,' said Teppic. 'When I was . . . asleep, it seemed I knew everything. Everything about everything. I think my father is dead.'
'Oh,' said Chidder. 'Gosh, I'm sorry.'
'Oh, no. It's not like that. It's what he would have wanted. I think he was rather looking forward to it. In our family, death is when you really start to, you know, enjoy life. I expect he's rather enjoying it.'
In fact the pharaoh was sitting on a spare slab in the ceremonial preparation room watching his own soft bits being carefully removed from his body and put into the special Canopic jars.
This is not a sight often seen by people — at least, not by people in a position to take a thoughtful interest.
He was rather upset. Although he was no longer officially inhabiting his body he was still attached to it by some sort of occult bond, and it is hard to be very happy at seeing two artisans up to the elbows in bits of you.
The jokes aren't funny, either. Not when you are, as it were, the butt.
'Look, master Dil,' said Gern, a plump, red-faced young man who the king had learned was the new apprentice. uk… hght… watch this, watch this.. . hgk.. your name in lights. Get it? Your name in lights, see?'
'Just put them in the jar, boy,' said Dil wearily. 'And while we're on the subject I didn't think much of the Gottle of Geer routine, either.'
'Sorry, master.'
'And pass me over a number three brain hook while you're up that end, will you?'
'Coming right up, master,' said Gern.
'And don't jog me. This is a fiddly bit.'
'Sure thing.'
The king craned nearer.
Gern rummaged around at his end of the job and then gave a long, low whistle.
'Will you look at the colour of this!' he said. 'You wouldn't think so, would you? Is it something they eat, master?'
Dil sighed. 'Just put it in the pot, Gern.'
'Right you are, master. Master?'
'Yes, lad?'
'Which bit's got the god in it, master?'
Dil squinted up the king's nostril, trying to concentrate. 'That gets sorted out before he comes down here,' he said patiently.
'I wondered,' said Gern, 'because there's not a jar for it, see.'
'No. There wouldn't be. It'd have to be a rather strange jar, Gern.'
Gern looked a bit disappointed. 'Oh,' he said, 'so he's just ordinary, then, is he?'
'In a strictly organic sense,' said Dil, his voice slightly muffled.
'Our mum said he was all right as a king,' said Gern. 'What do you think?'
Dil paused with a jar in his hand, and seemed to give the conversation some thought for the first time.
'Never think about it until they come down here,' he said. 'I suppose he was better than most. Nice pair of lungs. Clean kidneys. Good big sinuses, which is what I always look for in a king.' He looked down, and delivered his professional judgement. 'Pleasure to work with, really.'
'Our mum said his heart was in the right place,' said Gern. The king, hovering dismally in the corner, gave a gloomy nod. Yes, he thought. Jar three, top shelf.
Dil wiped his hands on a rag, and sighed. Possibly thirty— five years in the funeral business, which had given him a steady hand, a philosophic manner and a keen interest in vegetarianism, had also granted him powers of hearing beyond the ordinary. Because he was almost persuaded that, right beside his ear, someone else sighed too.
The king wandered sadly over to the other side of the room, and stared at the dull liquid of the preparation vat.
Funny, that. When he was alive it had all seemed so sensible, so obvious. Now he was dead it looked a huge waste of effort.
It was beginning to annoy him. He watched Dil and his apprentice tidy up, burn some ceremonial resins, lift him — it — up, carry it respectfully across the room and slide it gently into the oily embrace of the preservative. Teppicymon XXVII gazed into the murky depths at his own body lying sadly on the bottom, like the last pickled gherkin in the jar.
He raised his eyes to the sacks in the corner. They were full of straw. He didn't need telling what was going to be done with it.
The boat didn't glide. It insinuated itself through the water, dancing across the waves on the tips of the twelve oars, spreading like an oil slick, gliding like a bird. It was man black and shaped like a shark.
There was no drummer to beat the rhythm. The boat didn't want the weight. Anyway, he'd have needed the full kit, including snares.
Teppic sat between the lines of silent rowers, in the narrow gully that was the cargo hold. Better not to speculate what cargoes. The boat looked designed to move very small quantities of things very quickly and without anyone noticing, and he doubted whether even the Smugglers' Guild was aware of its existence. Commerce was more interesting than he thought.
They found the delta with suspicious ease — how many times had this whispering shadow slipped up the river, he wondered — and above the exotic smells from the mysterious former cargo he could detect the scents of home. Crocodile dung. Reed pollen. Waterlily blossoms. Lack of plumbing. The rank of lions and reek of hippos.
The leading oarsman tapped him gently on the shoulder and motioned him up, steadied him as he stepped overboard into a few feet of water. By the time he'd waded ashore the boat had turned and was a mere suspicion of a shadow downstream.
