The Wee Free Men

It rose higher, and still there was more. And, eventually, there was an eye. It was tiny compared to the mountainous head above it, and it rolled in its socket and focused on the tiny boat.

‘Now, that’s a heid that be a day’s work e’en for Big Yan,’ said Rob Anybody. ‘I reckon we’d have to come back tomorrow! Row, boys!’

‘It’s a dream of mine,’ said Tiffany, as calmly as she could manage. ‘It’s the whale fish.’

I never dreamed the smell, though, she added to herself. But here it is, a huge, solid, world-filling smell of salt and water and fish and ooze—

‘Whut does it eat?’ Daft Wullie asked.

‘Ah, I know that,’ said Tiffany, as the boat rocked on the swell. ‘Whales aren’t dangerous, because they just eat very small things…’

‘Row like the blazes, lads!’ Rob Anybody yelled.

‘How d’ye ken it only eats wee stuff?’ said Daft Wullie as the whale fish’s mouth began to open.

‘I paid a whole cucumber once for a lesson on Beasts of the Deep,’ said Tiffany, as a wave washed over them. ‘Whales don’t even have proper teeth!’

There was a creaking sound and a gust of fishy halitosis about the size of a typhoon, and the view was full of enormous, pointy teeth.

‘Aye?’ said Wullie. ‘Weel, no offence meant, but I dinnae think this beastie went to the same school as ye!’

The surge of water was pushing them away. And Tiffany could see the whole of the head now and, in a way she couldn’t possibly describe, the whale looked like the Queen. The Queen was there, somewhere.

The anger came back.

‘This is my dream,’ she shouted at the sky. ‘I’ve dreamed it dozens of times! You’re not allowed in here! And whales don’t eat people! Everyone who isn’t very stupid knows that!’

A tail the size of a field rose and slapped down on the sea. The whale shot forward.

Rob Anybody threw off his yellow hat and drew his sword.

‘Ach, weel, we tried,’ he said. ‘This wee beastie’s gonna get the worst belly ache there ever wuz!’

‘Aye, we’ll cut oour way out!’ shouted Daft Wullie.

‘No, keep rowing!’ said Tiffany.

‘It’s ne’er been said that the Nac Mac Feegle turned their back on a foe!’ Rob yelled.

‘But you’re rowing facing backwards!’ Tiffany pointed out.

The pictsie looked crestfallen. ‘Oh, aye, I hadnae thought o’ it like that,’ he said, sitting down again.

‘Just row!’ Tiffany insisted. ‘We’re nearly at the lighthouse!’

Grumbling, because even if they were facing the right way they were still going the wrong way, the pictsies hauled on the oars.

‘That’s a great big heid he’s got there, ye ken,’ said Rob Anybody. ‘How big would you say that heid is, gonnagle?’

‘Ach, I’d say it’s verrra big, Rob,’ said William, who was with the team on the other oar. ‘Indeed, I might commit myself to sayin’ it’s enorrrrmous.’

‘Ye’d go as far as that, would ye?’

‘Oh, aye. Enorrrrmous is fully justified…’

It’s nearly on us, Tiffany thought.

This has got to work. It’s my dream. Any moment. Any moment now…

‘An’ how near us would you say it is, then?’ asked Rob conversationally, as the boat wallowed and jerked just ahead of the whale.

‘That’s a verrra good question, Rob,’ said William. ‘And I’d answer it by sayin’ it’s verrra close indeed.’

Any moment now, thought Tiffany. I know Miss Tick said you shouldn’t believe in your dreams, but she meant you shouldn’t just hope.

Er… any moment now, I… hope. He’s never missed…

‘In fact I’d go so farrr as to say exceedingly close—’ William began.

Tiffany swallowed, and hoped that the whale wouldn’t. There was only about thirty yards of water between the teeth and the boat.

And then it was filled with a wooden wall that blurred as it went past, making a zipzipzip noise.

Tiffany looked up, her mouth open. White sails flashed across the storm clouds, pouring rain like waterfalls. She looked up at rigging and ropes and sailors lined up on the spars, and cheered.

And then the stern of the Jolly Sailor’s ship was disappearing into the rain and mist, but not before Tiffany saw the big bearded figure at the wheel, dressed in yellow oilskins. He turned and waved just once, before the ship vanished into the murk.

She managed to stand up again, as the boat rocked in the swell, and yelled at the towering whale: ‘You’ve got to chase him! That’s how it has to work! You chase him, he chases you! Granny Aching said so! You can’t not do it and still be the whale fish! This is my dream! My rules! I’ve had more practice at it than you!’

‘Big fishy!’ yelled Wentworth.

That was more surprising than the whale. Tiffany stared at her little brother as the boat rocked again.

‘Big fishy!’ said Wentworth again.

‘That’s right!’ Tiffany said, delighted. ‘Big fishy! And what makes it particularly interesting it that a whale isn’t a fish! It is in fact a mammal, just like a cow!’

Did you just say that? said her Second Thoughts, as all the pictises stared at her and the boat spun in the surf. The first time he’s ever said anything that wasn’t about sweeties or weewee and you just corrected him?

Tiffany looked at the whale. It was having trouble. But it was the whale, the whale she’d dreamed about many times after Granny Aching had told her that story, and not even the Queen could control a story like that.

It turned reluctantly in the water and dived in the wake of the Jolly Sailor’s ship.

‘Big fishy gone!’ said Wentworth.

‘No, it’s a mammal—’ Tiffany’s mouth said, before she could stop it.

The pictsies were still staring at her.

‘It’s just that he ought to get it right,’ she mumbled, ashamed of herself. ‘It’s a mistake lots of people make

You’re going to turn into somebody like Miss Tick, said her Second Thoughts. Do you really want that?

‘Yes,’ said a voice, and Tiffany realized that it was hers again. The anger rose up, joyfully. ‘Yes! I’m me, I am careful and logical and I look up things I don’t understand! When I hear people use the wrong words I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books fast! I think! And I always have a piece of string! That’s the kind of person I am!’

She stopped. Even Wentworth was staring at her now. He blinked.

‘Big water cow gone…’ he suggested, meekly.

‘That’s right! Good boy!’ said Tiffany. ‘When we get home you can have one sweet!’

She saw the massed ranks of the Nac Mac Feegles still looking at her with worried expressions.

‘Is it OK wi’ you if we get on?’ said Rob Anybody, holding up a nervous hand. ‘Before yon whale fi—Before yon whale cow comes back?’

Tiffany looked past them. The lighthouse wasn’t far. A little jetty stretched out from its tiny island.

‘Yes, please. Er… thank you,’ she said, calming down a bit. The ship and the whale had vanished into the rain and the sea was merely lapping at the shore.

A drome was sitting on the rocks with its pale, fat legs sticking out in front of it. It was staring out to sea and didn’t appear to notice the approaching boat. It thinks it’s home, Tiffany thought. I’ve given it a dream it likes.

Pictsies poured onto the jetty and tied up the boat.

‘OK, we’re here,’ said Rob Anybody. ‘We’ll just chop yon creature’s heid off and we’ll be right oout o’