Thief of Time

Come on! He'll be fine!

Susan leapt up. “Good!”

Yes, they've cut his head off…

Fear, anger, envy… Emotions bring you alive, which is a brief period just before you die. The grey shapes fled in front of the swords.

But there were billions of them. And they had their own ways of fighting. Passive, subtle ways.

“This is stupid!” Pestilence shouted. “They can't even catch a common cold!”

“No soul to damn, no arse to kick!” said War, hacking at grey shreds that rolled away from his blade.

“They have a kind of hunger,” said Famine. “I just can't find a way to get at it!”

The horses were reined in. The wall of greyness hovered in the distance, and began to close in again.

THEY ARE FIGHTING BACK, said Death. CAN YOU NOT FEEL IT?

“I just feel we're too damn stupid,” said War.

AND WHERE DOES THAT FEELING COME FROM?

“Are you saying they're affecting our minds?” said Pestilence. “We're Horsemen! How can they do that to us?”

WE HAVE BECOME TOO HUMAN.

“Us? Human? Don't make me lau—”

LOOK AT THE SWORD IN YOUR HAND, said Death. DON'T YOU NOTICE ANYTHING?

“It's a sword. Sword-shaped. Well?”

LOOK AT THE HAND. FOUR FINGERS AND A THUMB. A HUMAN HAND. HUMANS GAVE YOU THAT SHAPE. AND THAT IS THE WAY IN. LISTEN! DO YOU NOT FEEL SMALL IN A BIG UNIVERSE? THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE SINGING. IT IS BIG AND YOU ARE SMALL AND AROUND YOU THERE IS NOTHING BUT THE COLD OF SPACE AND YOU ARE SO VERY ALONE.

The other three Horsemen looked unsettled, nervous.

“That's coming from them?” said War.

YES. IT IS THE FEAR AND HATRED THAT MATTER HAS FOR LIFE AND THEY ARE THE BEARERS OF THAT HATRED.

“Then what can we do?” said Pestilence. “There're too many of them!”

DID YOU THINK THAT THOUGHT, OR DID THEY? Death snapped.

“They're coming closer again,” said War.

THEN WE WILL DO WHAT WE CAN.

“Four swords against an army? That'll never work!”

YOU THOUGHT IT MIGHT A FEW MOMENTS AGO. WHO IS TALKING FOR YOU NOW? HUMANS HAVE ALWAYS FACED US AND THEY HAVE NOT SURRENDERED.

“Well, yes,” said Pestilence. “But with us they could always hope for a remission.”

“Or a sudden truce,” said War.

“Or—” Famine began, and hesitated, and said finally, “A shower of fish?” He looked at their expressions. “That actually happened once,” he added defiantly.

IN ORDER TO HAVE A CHANGE OF FORTUNE AT THE LAST MINUTE YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR FORTUNE TO THE LAST MINUTE, said Death. WE MUST DO WHAT WE CAN.

“And if that doesn't work?” said Pestilence.

Death gathered up Binky's reins. The Auditors were much closer now. He could make out their individual, identical shapes. Remove one, and there were always a dozen more.

THEN WE DID WHAT WE COULD, he said, UNTIL WE COULD NOT.

On his cloud, the Angel Clothed all in White wrestled with the Iron Book.

“What are they talking about?” said Mrs War.

“I don't know, I can't hear! And these two pages are stuck together!” said the angel. It scrabbled ineffectively at them for a moment.

“This is all because he wouldn't wear his vest,” said Mrs War firmly. “It's just the sort of thing I—”

She had to stop because the angel had wrenched the halo from its head and was dragging it down the fused edge of the pages, with sparks and a sound like a cat slipping down a blackboard.

The pages clanged apart.

“Right, let's see…” It scanned the newly revealed text. “Done that… done that… oh…” It stopped and turned a pale face to Mrs War.

“Oh, boy,” it said, “we're in trouble now.”

A comet sprang up from the world below, growing visibly larger as the angel spoke. It flamed across the sky, burning fragments detaching and dropping away and revealing, as it closed with the Horsemen, a chariot on fire.

It was a blue flame. Chaos burned with cold.

The figure standing in the chariot wore a full-face helmet dominated by two eye holes that looked slightly like the wings of a butterfly and rather more like the eyes of some strange, alien creature. The burning horse, barely sweating, trotted to a halt; the other horses, regardless of their riders, moved aside to make room.

“Oh, no,” said Famine, waving a hand in disgust. “Not him, too? I said what'd happen if he came back, didn't I? Remember that time he threw the minstrel out of the hotel window in Zok? Didn't I say—”

SHUT UP, said Death. He nodded. HELLO, RONNIE. GOOD TO SEE YOU. I WONDERED IF YOU WOULD COME.

A hand trailing cold steam came up and removed the helmet.

“Hello, boys,” said Chaos pleasantly.

“Uh… long time no see,” said Pestilence.

War coughed. “Heard you were doing well,” he said.

“Yes, indeed,” said Ronnie, in a careful tone of voice. “There's a real future in the retail milk and milk derivatives business.”

Death glanced at the Auditors. They'd stopped moving in but were circling, watchfully.

“Well, the world will always need cheese,” said War desperately. “Haha.”

“Looks like there's some trouble here,” said Ronnie.

“We can handl—” Famine began.

WE CAN'T, said Death. YOU CAN SEE HOW IT IS, RONNIE. TIMES HAVE CHANGED. WOULD YOU CARE TO SIT IN FOR THIS ONE?

“Hey, we haven't discussed—” Famine began, but stopped when War glared at him.

Ronnie Soak put on his helmet, and Chaos drew his sword. It glinted and, like the glass clock, looked like the intrusion into the world of something a great deal more complex.

“Some old man told me you live and learn,” he said. “Well. I have lived, and now I've learned that the edge of a sword is infinitely long. I've also learned how to make damn good yoghurt, although this is not a skill I intend to employ today. Shall we go get 'em, boys?”

Far down, in the street, a few of the Auditors moved forward.

“What is Rule One?” said one of them.

“It does not matter. I am Rule One!” An Auditor with a big axe waved them back. “Obedience is necessary!”

The Auditors wavered, watching the cleaver. They'd learned about pain. They'd never felt pain before, not in billions of years. Those who had felt it had no desire at all to feel it again.

“Very well,” said Mr White. “Now get back to—”

A chocolate egg spun out of nowhere and smashed on the stones. The crowd of Auditors rippled forward, but Mr White slashed the axe through the air a few times.

“Stand back! Stand back!” he screamed. “You three! Find out who threw that! It came from behind that