The Last Hero

‘Oh, Mighty One,’ he began, always a safe beginning and the religious equivalent of ‘To Whom It May Concern’, ‘I have to warn you that a bunch of heroes are climbing the mountain to destroy you with returned fire. May you strike them down with wrathful lightning and then look favourably upon thy servant, i.e. Evil Harry Dread. Mail may be left with Mrs Gibbons, 12 Dolmen View, Pant-y-Girdl, Llamedos. Also if possible I should like a location with real lava pits, every other evil lord manages to get a dread lava pit even when they are on one hundred feet of bloody alluvial soil, excuse my Klatchian, this is further discrimination against the small trader, no offence meant.’

He waited a moment, just in case there was any reply, sighed, and got rather shakily to his feet.

‘I'm an evil, distrustful Dark Lord,’ he said. ‘What do they expect? I told 'em. I warned 'em. I mean, if it was up to me… but where'd I stand as a Dark Lord if I—’

His eye caught something pink, a little way off. He climbed a snow-covered rock for a better look.

Two minutes later the rest of the Horde had joined him and were looking at the scene reflectively, although the minstrel was being sick.

‘Well, that's something you don't often see,’ said Cohen.

‘What, a man throttled with pink knitting wool?’ said Caleb.

‘No, I was looking at the other two…’

‘Yes, it's amazing what you can do with a knitting needle,’ said Cohen. He glanced back at the makeshift altar and grinned. ‘Did you do this, Harry? You said you wanted to be alone.’

‘Pink knitting wool?’ said Evil Harry nervously. ‘Me and pink knitting wool?’

‘Sorry for suggestin' it,’ said Cohen. ‘Well, we ain't got time for this. Let's go and sort out the Caves of Dread. Where's our bard? Right. Stop throwin' up and get yer notebook out. First man to be cut in half by a concealed blade is a rotten egg, okay? And, everyone… try not to wake up Hamish, all right?’

The sea was full of cool green light.

Captain Carrot sat near the prow. To the astonishment of Rincewind, who'd got out for a gloomy evening walk, he was sewing.

‘It's a badge for the mission,’ said Carrot. ‘See? This is yours.’ He held it up.

‘But what is it for?’

‘Morale.’

‘Ah, that stuff,’ said Rincewind. ‘Well, you've got lots, Leonard doesn't need it and I've never had any.’

‘I know you are being good-humoured about it, but I think it's vital that there is something that holds the crew together,’ said Carrot, still calmly sewing.

‘Yes, it's called skin. It's important to keep all of you on the inside of it.’

Rincewind stared at the badge. He'd never had one before. Well, that was technically a lie… he'd had one that said ‘Hello, I Am 5 Today!’, which was just about the worst possible present to get when you are six. That birthday had been the rottenest day of his life.

‘It needs an uplifting motto,’ said Carrot. ‘Wizards know about this sort of thing, don't they?’

‘How about MorituriNolumusMori, that's got the right ring,’ said Rincewind gloomily.

Carrot's lips moved as he parsed the sentence. ‘Wewhoareabouttodie…’ he said, ‘but I don't recognise the rest.’

‘It's very uplifting,’ said Rincewind. ‘It's straight from the heart.’

‘Very well. Many thanks. I'll get to work on it right away,’ said Carrot.

Rincewind sighed. ‘You're finding this exciting, aren't you?’ he said. ‘You actually are.’

‘It will certainly be a challenge to go where no one has gone before,’ said Carrot.

‘Wrong! We're going where no one has comebackfrom before.’ Rincewind hesitated. ‘Well, except me. But I didn't go that far, and I… sort of dropped on to the Disc again.’

‘Yes, they told me about it. What did you see?’

‘My whole life, passing in front of my eyes.’

‘Perhaps we shall see something more interesting.’

Rincewind glared at Carrot, bent once again over his sewing. Everything about the man was neat, in a workmanlike sort of way: he looked like someone who washed thoroughly. He also seemed to Rincewind to be a complete idiot with gristle between the ears. But complete idiots didn't make comments like that.

‘I'm taking an iconograph and lots of paint for the imp. You know the wizards want us to make all kinds of observations?’ Carrot went on. ‘They say it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.’

‘You're not making any friends here, you know,’ said Rincewind.

‘Have you any idea what it is that the Silver Horde wants?’

‘Drink, treasure, and women,’ said Rincewind. ‘But I think they may have eased back on the last one.’

‘But didn't they have more or less all of that anyway?’

Rincewind nodded. That was the puzzler. The Horde had it all. They had everything that money could buy, and since there was a lot of money on the Counterweight Continent, that was everything.

It occurred to him that when you'd had everything, all that was left was nothing.

The valley was full of cool green light, reflected off the towering ice of the central mountain. It shifted and flowed like water. Into it, grumbling and asking one another to speak up, walked the Silver Horde.

Behind them, walking almost bent double with horror and dread, white-faced, like a man who has gazed upon direful things, came the minstrel. His clothes were torn. One leg of his tights had been ripped off. He was soaking wet, although parts of his clothing were singed. The twanging remains of the lute in his trembling hand had been half bitten away. Here was a man who had truly seen life, mostly on the point of departure.

‘Not very insane, as monks go,’ said Caleb. ‘More sad than mad. I've known monks that frothed.’

‘And some of those monsters were long past their date with the knackerman, and that's the truth,’ said Truckle. ‘Honestly, I felt embarrassed about killing them. They was older than us.’

‘The fish were good,’ said Cohen. ‘Real big buggers.’

‘Just as well, really, since we've run out of walrus,’ said Evil Harry.

‘Wonderful display by your henchmen, Harry,’ said Cohen. ‘Stupidity wasn't the word for it. Never seen so many people hit themselves over the head with their own swords.’

‘They were good lads,’ said Harry. ‘Morons to the end.’

Cohen grinned at Boy Willie, who was sucking a cut finger.

‘Teeth,’ he said. ‘Huh… the answer is always “teeth”, is it?’

‘All right, all right, sometimes it's “tongue”,’ said Boy Willie. He turned to the minstrel.

‘Did you get that bit where I cut up that big taranchula?’ he said.

The minstrel raised his head slowly. A lute string broke.

‘Mwwa,’ he bleated.

The rest of the Horde gathered round quickly. There was no sense in letting just one of them get the best verses.

‘Remember to sing about that bit where that fish swallowed me and I cut my way out from inside, okay?’

‘Mwwa…’

‘And did you get that bit when I killed that big six-armed dancin' statue?’

‘Mwwa…’

‘What're you talkin' about? It was me what killed that statue!’

‘Yeah? Well, I clove him clean in twain, mate. No one could have survived that! ’

‘Why didn't you just cut 'is 'ead orf?’

‘Couldn't. Someone'd already done that.’