The Last Hero

colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?’

‘Er…’ Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. ‘Er… roughly speaking, it means, “We who are about to die don't want to”, sir.’

‘Very clearly expressed. I commend your determination… Yes?’

Ponder had whispered something in his ear.

‘Ah, I'm informed that we have to leave you shortly,’ said Lord Vetinari. ‘Mr Stibbons tells me that there is a means of keeping in touch with you, at least until you're close to the mountain.’

‘Yes, sir,’ said Carrot. ‘The fractured omniscope. An amazing device. Each part sees what the other parts sees. Astonishing.’

‘Well, I trust your new careers will be uplifting if not, ahaha, meteoric. To your places, gentlemen.’

‘Er… I just want to take an iconograph, sir,’ said Ponder, hurrying forward and clutching a large box. ‘To record the moment? If you would all stand in front of the flag and smile, please… that means the corners of your mouth go up, Rincewind… thank you.’ Ponder, like all bad photographers, took the shot just a fraction of a second after the smiles had frozen. ‘And do you have any last words?’

‘You mean, last words before we go and come back?’ said Carrot, his brow wrinkling.

‘Oh, yes. Of course. That's what I meant! Because of course you will be coming back, won't you?’ said Ponder, far too quickly in Rincewind's opinion. ‘I have absolute confidence in Mr da Quirm's work, and I'm sure he has too.’

‘Oh, dear. No, I never bother to have any confidence,’ said Leonard.

‘You don't?’

‘No, things just work. You don't have to wish,’ said Leonard. ‘And, of course, if we do fail, then things won't be that bad, will they? If we fail to come back, there won't be anywhere left to fail to come back to in any case, will there? So it will all cancel out.’ He gave his happy little smile. ‘Logic is a great comfort in times like this, I always find.’

‘Personally,’ said Captain Carrot, ‘I am happy, thrilled and delighted to be going.’ He tapped a box by his side. ‘And I am, as instructed, also bringing along an iconograph and intend to take many useful and deeply moving images of our world from the perspective of space which will perhaps cause us to see humanity in an entirely new light.’

‘Is this the time to resign from the crew?’ said Rincewind, staring at his fellow voyagers.

‘No,’ said Lord Vetinari.

‘Possibly on grounds of insanity?’

‘Your own, I assume?’

‘Take your pick!’

Vetinari beckoned Rincewind forward.

‘But it could be said that someone would have to be insane to take part in this venture,’ he murmured. ‘In which case, of course, you are fully qualified.’

‘Then… supposing I'm not insane?’

‘Oh, as ruler of Ankh-Morpork I have a duty to send only the keenest, coolest minds on a vital errand of this kind.’

He held Rincewind's gaze for a moment.

‘I think there's a catch there,’ said the wizard, knowing that he'd lost.

‘Yes. The best kind there is,’ said the Patrician.

The lights of the anchored ships disappeared into the murk as the barge drifted on, faster now as the current began to pull.

‘No turning back now,’ said Leonard.

There was a roll of thunder, and fingers of lightning walked along the Edge of the world.

‘Just a squall, I expect,’ he added, as fat drops of rain thudded on the tarpaulins. ‘Shall we get aboard? The draglines will keep us pointed directly at the Rim, and we might as well make ourselves comfortable while we wait.’

‘We ought to release the fire boats first, sir,’ said Carrot.

‘Silly me, yes,’ said Leonard. ‘I'd forget my own head if it was wasn't held on with bones and skin and things!’

A couple of ship's boats had been sacrificed for the attempt on the Circumfence. They wallowed slightly, laden as they were with spare tins of varnish, paint and the remains of the dragons' supper. Carrot picked up a couple of lanterns and, after a couple of tries in the gusting wind, managed to light them and place them carefully according to Leonard's instructions.

Then the boats were cast adrift. Freed of the drag of the barge, they pulled away in the quickening current.

The rain was hammering down now.

‘And now let us get aboard,’ said Leonard, ducking back out of the rain. ‘A cup of tea will do us good.’

‘I thought we decided we couldn't have any naked flames on board, sir,’ said Carrot.

‘I have brought along a special jug of my own devising which keeps things warm,’ said Leonard. ‘Or cold, if you prefer. I call it the Hot or Cold Flask. I am at a loss as to how it knows which it is that you prefer, but nevertheless it seems to work.’

He led the way up the ladder.

Only one small lamp lit the little cabin. It illuminated three seats, embedded among a network of levers, armatures and springs.

The crew had been up here before. They knew the layout. There was one little bed further aft, on the basis that there would only be time for any one person to be asleep. String bags had been stapled to every bit of unused wall to hold water bottles and food. Unfortunately, some of Lord Vetinari's committees, devised in order to prevent their members from interfering with anything important, had turned their attention to provisioning the craft. It appeared packed for every eventuality, including alligator-wrestling on a glacier.

Leonard sighed.

‘I really didn't like to say no to anyone.’ he said, ‘I did suggest that, er, nourishing but concentrated and, er, low-residue food would be preferred—’

As one man, they turned in their seats to look at the Experimental Privy Mk 2. Mk 1 had worked – Leonard's devices tended to – but since a key to its operation was that it tumbled very fast on a central axis while in use it had been abandoned after a report by its test pilot (Rincewind) that, whatever you had in mind when you went in, the only thing you wanted to do once inside was get out.

Mk 2 was as yet untried. It creaked ominously under their gaze, an open invitation to constipation and kidney stones.

‘It will undoubtedly function,’ said Leonard, and just this once Rincewind noted the harmonic of uncertainty. ‘It is all just a matter of opening the correct valves in sequence.’

‘What happens if we don't open the right valves in sequence, sir?’ said Carrot, buckling himself in.

‘You must appreciate that I have had to design so many things for this craft—’ Leonard began.

‘We'd still like to know,’ said Rincewind.

‘Er… in truth, what happens if you don't open the right valves in sequence is that you will wish you had opened the right valves in sequence,’ said Leonard. He fumbled below his seat and produced a large metal flask of curious design. ‘Tea, anyone?’ he said.

‘Just a small cup,’ said Carrot firmly.

‘Make mine a spoonful,’ said Rincewind. ‘And what's this thing hanging in the ceiling in front of me?’

‘It's my new device for looking behind you,’ said Leonard. ‘It's very simple to use. I call it the Device For Looking Behind You.’

‘Looking behind you is a bad move,’ said Rincewind firmly. ‘I've always said so. It slows you down.’

‘Ah, but this way we won't slow down at all.’