The Last Hero

‘And things?’ a goddess asked Hamish. ‘How are things?’

‘Still lyin' aroond!’

‘And are you omnipotent?’

‘Aye, lass, but there's pills I'm takin' f'r it!’

‘And you're the Muse of Swearing?’ said a god to Truckle.

‘Bloody right!’ said Truckle desperately.

Cohen looked up and saw Offler the Crocodile God. He wasn't a god who was hard to recognise, but in any case Cohen had seen him many times before. His statue in temples throughout the world was a pretty good likeness, and now was the time for a man to reflect on the fact that so many of those temples had been left a good deal poorer as a result of Cohen's activities. He didn't, however, because it was not the kind of thing he ever did. But it did seem to him that the Horde was being hustled along. ‘Where're we off to, friend?’ he said.

‘To watch the Gameth, your fithneth,’ said Offler.

‘Oh, yeah. That's where yo – we play around with u – mortals, right?’ said Cohen.

‘Yes, indeed,’ said a god on the other side of Cohen. ‘And currently we've found some mortals actually attempting to enter Dunmanifestin.’

‘The devils, eh?’ said Cohen pleasantly. ‘Give 'em a taste of hot thunderbolt, that's my advice. It's the only language they understand.’

‘Mostly because it's the only language you use,’ mumbled the minstrel, eyeing the surrounded gods.

‘Yes, we thought something like that would be a good idea,’ said the god. ‘I'm Fate, by the way.’

‘Oh, you're Fate?’ said Cohen, as they reached the gaming table. ‘Always wanted to meet you. I thought you were supposed to be blind?’

‘No.’

‘How about if someone stuck two fingers in yer eyes?’

‘I'm sorry?’

‘Just my little joke.’

‘Ha. Ha,’ said Fate. ‘I wonder, O God of Fish, how good a player you are?’

‘Never been much of a gambler,’ said Cohen, as a solitary die appeared between Fate's fingers. ‘A mug's game.’

‘Perhaps you would care for a little… venture?’

The crowd went silent. The minstrel looked into Fate's bottomless eyes, and knew that if you played dice with Fate the roll was always fixed.

You could have heard a sparrow fall.

‘Yeah,’ said Cohen, at last. ‘Why not?’

Fate tossed the die on to the board. ‘Six,’ he said, without breaking eye contact.

‘Right,’ said Cohen. ‘So I've got to a get a six too, yeah?’

Fate smiled. ‘Oh, no. You are, after all, a god. And gods play to win. You, O mighty one, must throw a seven.’

‘Seven?’ said the minstrel.

‘I fail to see why this should present a difficulty,’ said Fate, ‘to one entitled to be here.’

Cohen turned the die over and over. It had the regulation six sides.

‘I could see that could present a difficulty,’ he said, ‘but only for mortals, o' course.’ He tossed the die up in the air once or twice. ‘Seven?’ he said.

‘Seven,’ said Fate.

‘Could be a knotty one,’ said Cohen.

The minstrel stared at him, and felt a shiver run down his spine.

‘You'll remember I said that, lad?’ Cohen added.

The Kite banked through high cloud.

‘Ook!’ said the Librarian happily.

‘He flies it better than Leonard did!’ said Rincewind.

‘It must come more… easily,’ whispered Carrot. ‘You know… what with him being naturally atavistic.’

‘Really? I've always thought of him as quite good-natured. Except when he's called a monkey, of course.’

The Kite turned again, curving through the sky like a pendulum.

‘Ook!’

‘“If you look out of the left window you can see practically everywhere”,’ Rincewind translated.

‘Ook!’

‘“And if you look out of the right window, you can see—” Good grief!’

There was the Mountain. And there, glittering in the sunlight, was the home of the gods. Above it, just visible even in the brilliant air, was the shimmering misty funnel of the world's magical field earthing itself at the centre of the world.

‘Are you, er, are you much of a religious man yourself?’ said Rincewind as clouds whipped by the window.

‘I believe all religions do reflect some aspect of an eternal truth, yes,’ said Carrot.

‘Good wheeze,’ said Rincewind. ‘You might just get away with it.’

‘And you?’ said Carrot.

‘We-ll… you know that religion that thinks that whirling round in circles is a form of prayer?’

‘Oh, yes. The Hurtling Whirlers of Klatch.’

‘Mine is like that, only we go more in… straight lines. Yes. That's it. Speed is a sacrament.’

‘You believe it gives you some sort of eternal life?’

‘Not eternal, as such. More… well, just more, really. More life. That is,’ Rincewind added, ‘more life than you would have if you did not go very fast in a straight line. Although curving lines are acceptable in broken country.’

Carrot sighed. ‘You're just a coward really, aren't you?’

‘Yes, but I've never understood what's wrong with the idea. It takes guts to run away, you know. Lots of people would be as cowardly as me if they were brave enough.’

They looked out of the window again. The mountain was nearer.

‘According to the mission notes,’ said Carrot, thumbing through the sheaf of hastily written research notes that Ponder had thrust into his hand just before departure, ‘a number of humans have entered Dunmanifestin in the past and returned alive.’

‘Returned alive perse is not hugely comforting,’ said Rincewind. ‘With their arms and legs? Sanity? All minor extremities?’

‘Mostly they were mythical characters,’ said Carrot, uncertainly.

‘Before or after?’

‘The gods traditionally look favourably on boldness, daring and audacity,’ Carrot went on.

‘Good. You can go in first.’

‘Ook,’ said the Librarian.

‘He says we'll have to land soon,’ said Carrot. ‘Was there some position we're supposed to get into?’

‘Ook!’ said the Librarian. He seemed to be fighting the levers.

‘What do you mean, “lie on your back with your arms folded across your chest”?’

‘Eek!’

‘Didn't you watch what Leonard did when he landed us on the moon?’

‘Ook!’

‘And that was a good landing,’ said Rincewind. ‘Oh well, shame about the end of the world, but these things happen, eh?’

WOULD YOU LIKE A PEANUT? I AM AFRAID IT IS A LITTLE HARD TO GET THE PACKET OPEN.

A ghostly chair hung in the air next to Rincewind. A violet flaring round the edge of his vision told him that