The Last Hero

coloured clothes. This was a land for fur and leather.

Boy Willie walked over to the colourful thing.

‘We'll take the gag off,’ he said, ‘if you promise not to scream.’

Frantic eyes darted this way and that, and then the gagged head nodded.

‘All right, then. Eat your nice walrus… er, lump,’ said Boy Willie, pulling at the cloth.

‘How dare you drag me all—’ the minstrel began.

‘Now look,’ said Boy Willie, ‘none of us like havin' to wallop you alongside the ear when you go on like this, do we? Be reasonable.’

‘Reasonable? When you kidnap—’

Boy Willie snapped the gag back into place.

‘Thin streak of nothin',’ he muttered at the angry eyes. ‘You ain't even got a harp. What kind of bard doesn't even have a harp? Just this sort of little wooden pot thing. Damn silly idea.’

‘'S called a lute,’ said Caleb, through a mouthful of walrus.

‘Whut?’

‘IT'S CALLED A LUTE, HAMISH!’

‘Aye, I used to loot!’

‘Nah, it's for singin' posh songs for ladies,’ said Caleb. ‘About… flowers and that. Romance.’

The Horde knew the word, although the activity had been outside the scope of their busy lives.

‘Amazin', what songs do for the ladies,’ said Caleb.

‘Well, when I was a lad,’ said Truckle, ‘if you wanted to get a girl's int'rest, you had to cut off your worst enemy's wossname and present it to her.’

‘Whut?’

‘I SAID YOU HAD TO CUT OFF YOUR WORST ENEMY'S WOSSNAME AND PRESENT IT TO HER!’

‘Aye, romance is a wonderful thing,’ said Mad Hamish.

‘What'd you do if you didn't have a worst enemy?’ said Boy Willie.

‘You try and cut off anyone's wossname,’ said Truckle, ‘and you've soon got a worst enemy.’

‘Flowers is more usual these days,’ said Caleb, reflectively.

Truckle eyed the struggling lutist.

‘Can't think what the boss was thinking of, draggin' this thing along,’ he said. ‘Where is he, anyway?’

Lord Vetinari, despite his education, had a mind like an engineer. If you wished to open something, you found the appropriate spot and applied the minimum amount of force necessary to achieve your end. Possibly the spot was between a couple of ribs and the force was applied via a dagger, or between two warring countries and applied via an army, but the important thing was to find that one weak spot which would be the key to everything.

‘And so you are now the unpaid Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography?’ he said to the figure who had been brought before him.

The wizard known as Rincewind nodded slowly, just in case an admission was going to get him into trouble.

‘Er… yes?’

‘Have you been to the Hub?’

‘Er… yes?’

‘Can you describe the terrain?’

‘Er…’

‘What did the scenery look like?’ Lord Vetinari added helpfully,

‘Er… blurred, sir. I was being chased by some people.’

‘Indeed? And why was this?’

Rincewind looked shocked. ‘Oh, I never stop to find out why people are chasing me, sir. I never look behind, either. That'd be rather silly, sir.’

Lord Vetinari pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘Just tell me what you know about Cohen, please,’ he said wearily.

‘Him? He's just a hero who never died, sir. A leathery old man. Not very bright, really, but he's got so much cunning and guile you'd never know it.’

‘Are you a friend of his?’

‘Well, we've met a couple of times and he didn't kill me,’ said Rincewind. ‘That probably counts as a “yes”.’

‘And what about the old men who're with him?’

‘Oh, they're not old men… well, yes, they are old men… but, well… they're his Silver Horde, sir.’

‘Those are the Silver Horde? All of it?’

‘Yes, sir,’ said Rincewind.

‘But I thought the Silver Horde conquered the entire Agatean Empire!’

‘Yes, sir. That was them.’ Rincewind shook his head. ‘I know it's hard to believe, sir. But you haven't seen them fight. They're experienced. And the thing is… the big thing about Cohen is… he's contagious.’

‘You mean he's a plague carrier?’

‘It's like a mental illness, sir. Or magic. He's as crazy as a stoat, but… once they've been around him for a while, people start seeing the world the way he does. All big and simple. And they want to be part of it.’

Lord Vetinari looked at his fingernails. ‘But I understood that those men had settled down and were immensely rich and powerful,’ he said. ‘That's what heroes want, isn't it? To crush the thrones of the world beneath their sandalled feet, as the poet puts it?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘So what's this? One last throw of the dice? Why?’

‘I can't understand it, sir. I mean… they had it all.’

‘Clearly,’ said the Patrician. ‘But everything wasn't enough, was it?’

There was argument in the anteroom beyond the Patrician's Oblong Office. Every few minutes a clerk slipped in through a side door and laid another pile of papers on the desk. Lord Vetinari stared at them. Possibly, he felt, the thing to do would be to wait until the pile of international advice and demands grew as tall as Cori Celesti, and simply climb to the top of it.

Zip, zing and can-do, he thought.

So, as a man full of get up and go must do, Lord Vetinari got up and went. He unlocked a secret door in the panelling and a moment later was gliding silently through the hidden corridors of his palace.

The dungeons of the palace held a number of felons imprisoned ‘at his lordship's pleasure’, and since Lord Vetinari was seldom very pleased they were generally in for the long haul. His destination now, though, was the strangest prisoner of all, who lived in the attic.

Leonard of Quirm had never committed a crime. He regarded his fellow man with benign interest. He was an artist and he was also the cleverest man alive, if you used the word ‘clever’ in a specialised and technical sense. But Lord Vetinari felt that the world was not yet ready for a man who designed unthinkable weapons of war as a happy hobby. The man was, in his heart and soul, andineverythinghedid, an artist.

Currently, Leonard was painting a picture of a lady, from a series of sketches he had pinned up by his easel.

‘Ah, my lord,’ he said, glancing up. ‘And what is the problem?’

‘Is there a problem?’ said Lord Vetinari.

‘There generally is, my lord, when you come to see me.’

‘Very well,’ said Lord Vetinari. ‘I wish to get several people to the centre of the world as soon as possible.’

‘Ah, yes,’ said Leonard. ‘There is much treacherous terrain between here and there. Do you think I have the