spirit quailed from anticipated pain. But I closed the thumb and three fingers of my right hand around my wrist.
Imagining a hilt.
Imagining grip, and balance.
Imagining a sword.
Imagining a dance.
'You will forget,' Sahdri said.
Startled, I stiffened. Gripped the wrist, and hissed against the pain.
'You will forget.'
'I can't.'
'The beast is dead.'
'No.'
'The memory survives, for now. But that, too, will die.'
'No.'
'You have a very strong will,' Sahdri said. 'Stronger than I expected. To be stripped of the beast … to be stripped of the means to be the beast within the circle-'
I snapped my head around to look at him. 'You're saying I am the beast?'
'The sandtiger,' he said, 'And so you were, since the day you conjured and killed it. But it is dead, that beast. And the man who killed it, who became it, will forget what he was. He will be what he is. '
'And what am I?'
'Mage,' Sahdri answered.
'What?' I arched eyebrows; felt the alien weight of rings depending from flesh. 'Not priest?'
'Not yet. But that will come.'
'When I'm willing to 'merge' as Erastu did?'
'Oh, long before. You will understand why it is necessary, and you will accept it. Willingly.'
'I will, will I? Willingly?'
'Within a year.'
'So certain of me, are you?'
'Certain of the magic. The madness.' Sahdri's robes whipped in the wind. 'Surely you understand the need for discipline.'
'Discipline!'
'The beast,' Sahdri said, 'learned of rules, and codes, and rituals and rites. Was circumscribed by such things, even as it was circumscribed by the circle. As it was taught by its shodo.'
I stared at him as I knelt upon the stone.
'It understood that without the rules, the codes, lacking rituals and rites, it had no discipline. And without discipline, it was merely a beast. A boy.' He paused. 'A chula.'
I flinched.
'Discipline,' Sahdri said, 'is necessary. Tasks, to fill the hands. Prayers, to fill the mind. Rituals and rites. All of the things we do here, how we fill our days, our nights, our minds.' His eyes gazed beyond me. 'To keep the madness at bay.'
I sat back on my heels. 'That's why-'
'With discipline,' he said before I could finish my comment, 'we may last a decade. Possibly even fifteen years, as I have. But without it…' He looked once more beyond me, stared into wind and sky. 'Without it, we have only power without control, without purpose, and the madness that will loose it.'
'Wild magic,' I murmured, thinking of seeing through flesh, through bone; of seeing the heart of the stone from the inside.
'If you let it,' Sahdri said, 'it will consume you. Burn you up. And in the doing, you may well harm others. Magic and madness, married, is calamity, given form. It is catastrophe. But here upon the spires, with rituals and rites, with discipline, we keep it contained. Lest there be tragedy of it.'
'Erastu killed himself.'
'Erastu merged with his gods.'
'But died doing it.'
'A man without faith may choose to believe so.'
'You're saying it would have happened anyway. Someday.'
'Better it should happen here.'
'But if he would have gone mad no matter where he was-'
'Here, he filled his hands with tasks. His mind with prayers, rites, rituals. He was a disciplined man-and thus he harmed no one.'
'But himself.'
'He went to his gods.'
'And killed no one doing it.'
Sahdri inclined his head.
In disbelief, incomprehension, I clung to one thing. 'You let Nihko go. For me. In payment for me. You let him go.'
Sahdri smiled. 'Did we?'
THIRTY-SIX
DISCIPLINE. I learned the prayers. Said the prayers. Discipline. I learned the rites. Performed the rites. Discipline. I learned the rituals. Performed the rituals. Discipline.
I believed in no prayers, no rites, no rituals. I acknowledged and invoked one god. Whose name was Discipline.
When stubble bristled, they shaved it. Face and head. There were no claw marks now to make it difficult, lest the scarred flesh be cut. And when Sahdri saw I had learned the prayers, and said them; learned the rites, and performed them; learned the rituals, performed them, he had more holes pierced, more silver shaped, more rings set into my flesh. Two more for each brow. Two more for each ear.
Discipline.
I said nothing.
Did nothing.
Beyond what was expected.
And I forgot nothing. Beyond what was expected.
Magic, Sahdri said, was bred in my bones, knitted into flesh. Was as much a part of me as the heart that beat in my chest. No man, he said, considered the heart's task until it failed; the heart simply was. And magic was the same.
I believed in none of it. I acknowledged none of it. To do so gave power to those who wished to use it. I believed in myself. And I fell asleep each night invoking no gods, only myself. The essence of who I was, and what. Sword-dancer. Sandtiger. No more. No less.
Each night.
Discipline.
No more.
No less.
I stood atop the spire. Wind blew in my face, but it moved no hair; there was no hair to move. I waited. Feeling it. Knowing it. Hearing it in the stone.
She came. She climbed over the edge of the spire, rose, and stepped into the circle. Set both swords into the center.
