The Bad Beginning

'No she's not,'' Klaus said excitedly. 'I remember, because I watched her left hand trembling as she signed her name.''

'It is impossible to prove,'' Count Olaf said.

'If you like,'' Violet said, 'I shall be happy to sign my name again, on a separate sheet of paper, with my right hand and then with my left. Then we can see which signature the one on the document most resembles.''

'A small detail, like which hand you used to sign,'' Count Olaf said, 'doesn't matter in the least.''

'If you don't mind, sir,'' Mr. Poe said, 'I'd like Justice Strauss to make that decision.''

Everyone looked at Justice Strauss, who was wiping away the last of her tears. 'Let me see,'' she said quietly, and closed her eyes again. She sighed deeply, and the Baudelaire orphans, and all who liked them, held their breath as Justice Strauss furrowed her brow, thinking hard on the situation. Finally, she smiled. 'If Violet is indeed right-handed,'' she said carefully, 'and she signed the document with her left hand, then it follows that the signature does not fulfill the requirements of the nuptial laws. The law clearly states the document must be signed in the bride's own hand . Therefore, we can conclude that this marriage is invalid. Violet, you are not a countess, and Count Olaf, you are not in control of the Baudelaire fortune.''

'Hooray!'' cried a voice from the audience, and several people applauded. Unless you are a lawyer, it will probably strike you as odd that Count Olaf's plan was defeated by Violet signing with her left hand instead of her right. But the law is an odd thing. For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law that forbids anyone from removing its fruit. And a town not too far from where you live has a law that bars me from coming within five miles of its borders. Had Violet signed the marriage contract with her right hand, the law would have made her a miserable countess, but because she signed it with her left, she remained, to her relief, a miserable orphan.

What was good news to Violet and her siblings, of course, was bad news to Count Olaf. Nevertheless, he gave everyone a grim smile. 'In that case,'' he said to Violet, pushing a button on the walkie-talkie, 'you will either marry me again, and correctly this time, or I will—''

'Neepo!'' Sunny's unmistakable voice rang out over Count Olaf's as she tottered onstage toward her siblings. The hook-handed man followed behind her, his walkie-talkie buzzing and crackling. Count Olaf was too late.

'Sunny! You're safe!'' Klaus cried, and embraced her. Violet rushed over and the two older Baudelaires fussed over the youngest one.

'Somebody bring her something to eat,'' Violet said. 'She must be very hungry after hanging in a tower window all that time.''

'Cake!'' Sunny shrieked.

'Argh!'' Count Olaf roared. He began to pace back and forth like an animal in a cage, pausing only to point a finger at Violet. 'You may not be my wife,'' he said, 'but you are still my daughter, and —''

'Do you honestly think,'' Mr. Poe said in an exasperated voice, 'that I will allow you to continue to care for these three children, after the treachery I have seen here tonight?''

'The orphans are mine,'' Count Olaf insisted, 'and with me they shall stay. There is nothing illegal about trying to marry someone.''

'But there is something illegal about dangling an infant out of a tower window,'' Justice Strauss said indignantly. 'You, Count Olaf, will go to jail, and the three children will live with me.''

'Arrest him!'' a voice said from the audience, and other people took up the cry.

'Send him to jail!''

'He's an evil man!''

'And give us our money back! It was a lousy play!''

Mr. Poe took Count Olaf's arm and, after a brief eruption of coughs, announced in a harsh voice, 'I hereby arrest you in the name of the law.''

'Oh, Justice Strauss!'' Violet said. 'Did you really mean what you said? Can we really live with you?''

'Of course I mean it,'' Justice Strauss said. ''I am very fond of you children, and I feel responsible for your welfare.''

'Can we use your library every day?'' Klaus asked.

'Can we work in the garden?'' Violet asked.

'Cake!'' Sunny shrieked again, and everyone laughed.

At this point in the story, I feel obliged to interrupt and give you one last warning. As I said at the very beginning, the book you are holding in your hands does not have a happy ending. It may appear now that Count Olaf will go to jail and that the three Baudelaire youngsters will live happily ever after with Justice Strauss, but it is not so. If you like, you may shut the book this instant and not read the unhappy ending that is to follow. You may spend the rest of your life believing that the Baudelaires triumphed over Count Olaf and lived the rest of their lives in the house and library of Justice Strauss, but that is not how the story goes. For as everyone was laughing at Sunny's cry for cake, the important-looking man with all the warts on his face was sneaking toward the controls for the lighting of the theater.

Quick as a wink, the man flicked the main switch so that all the lights went off and everyone was standing in darkness. Instantly, pandemonium ensued as everyone ran this way and that, shouting at one another. Actors tripped over members of the audience. Members of the audience tripped over theatrical props. Mr. Poe grabbed his wife, thinking it was Count Olaf. Klaus grabbed Sunny and held her up as high as he could, so she wouldn't get hurt. But Violet knew at once what had happened, and made her way carefully to where she remembered the lights had been. When the play was being performed, Violet had watched the light controls carefully, taking mental notes in case these devices came in handy for an invention. She was certain if she could find the switch she could turn it back on. Her arms stretched in front of her as if she were blind, Violet made her way across the stage, stepping carefully around pieces of furniture and startled actors. In the darkness, Violet looked like a ghost, her white wedding gown moving slowly across the stage. Then, just as she had reached the switch, Violet felt a hand on her shoulder. A figure leaned in to whisper into her ear.

'I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do,'' the voice hissed. 'And when I have it, I'll kill you and your siblings with my own two hands.''

Violet gave a little cry of terror, but flicked the switch on. The entire theater was flooded with light. Everyone blinked and looked around. Mr. Poe let go of his wife. Klaus put Sunny down. But nobody was touching Violet's shoulder. Count Olaf was gone.

'Where did he go?'' Mr. Poe shouted. 'Where did they all go?''

The Baudelaire youngsters looked around and saw that not only had Count Olaf vanished, but his accomplices—the wart-faced man, the hook-handed man, the bald man with the long nose, the enormous person who looked like neither a man nor a woman, and the two white-faced women—had vanished along with him.

'They must have run outside,'' Klaus said, 'while it was still dark.''

Mr. Poe led the way outside, and Justice Strauss and the children followed. Way, way down the block, they could see a long black car driving away into the night. Maybe it contained Count Olaf and his associates. Maybe it didn't. But in any case, it turned a corner and disappeared into the dark city as the children watched without a word.

'Blast it,'' Mr. Poe said. 'They're gone. But don't worry, children, we'll catch them. I'm going to go call the police immediately.''

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny looked at one another and knew that it wasn't as simple as Mr. Poe said. Count Olaf would take care to stay out of sight as he planned his next move. He was far too clever to be captured by the likes of Mr. Poe.

'Well, let's go home, children,'' Justice Strauss said. 'We can worry about this in the morning, when I've fixed you a good breakfast.''

Mr. Poe coughed. 'Wait a minute,'' he said, looking down at the floor. 'I'm sorry to tell you this, children, but I cannot allow you to be raised by someone who is not a relative.''

'What?'' Violet cried. 'After all Justice Strauss has done for us?''