The Bad Beginning

city's banking district in hopes of finding Mr. Poe.

After walking through the meat district, the flower district, and the sculpture district, the three children arrived at the banking district, pausing to take a refreshing sip of water at the Fountain of Victorious Finance. The banking district consisted of several wide streets with large marble buildings on each side of them, all banks. They went first to Trustworthy Bank, and then to Faithful Savings and Loan, and then to Subservient Financial Services, each time inquiring for Mr. Poe. Finally, a receptionist at Subservient said she knew that Mr. Poe worked down the street, at Mulctuary Money Management. The building was square and rather plain-looking, though once inside, the three orphans were intimidated by the hustle and bustle of the people as they raced around the large, echoey room. Finally, they asked a uniformed guard whether they had arrived at the right place to speak to Mr. Poe, and he led them into a large office with many file cabinets and no windows.

'Why, hello,'' said Mr. Poe, in a puzzled tone of voice. He was sitting at a desk covered in typed papers that looked important and boring. Surrounding a small framed photograph of his wife and his two beastly sons were three telephones with flashing lights. 'Please come in.''

'Thank you,'' said Klaus, shaking Mr. Poe's hand. The Baudelaire youngsters sat down in three large and comfortable chairs.

Mr. Poe opened his mouth to speak, but had to cough into a handkerchief before he could begin. 'I'm very busy today,'' he said finally. 'So I don't have too much time to chat. Next time you should call ahead of time when you plan on being in the neighborhood, and I will put some time aside to take you to lunch.''

'That would be very pleasant,'' Violet said, 'and we're sorry we didn't contact you before we stopped by, but we find ourselves in an urgent situation.''

'Count Olaf is a madman,'' Klaus said, getting right to the point. 'We cannot stay with him.''

'He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise?'' Violet said, but just as she said it, one of the telephones rang, in a loud, unpleasant wail. 'Excuse me,'' Mr. Poe said, and picked up the phone. 'Poe here,'' he said into the receiver. 'What? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Thank you.'' He hung up the phone and looked at the Baudelaires as if he had forgotten they were there.

'I'm sorry,'' Mr. Poe said, 'what were we talking about? Oh, yes, Count Olaf. I'm sorry you don't have a good first impression of him.''

'He has only provided us with one bed,'' Klaus said.

'He makes us do a great many difficult chores.''

'He drinks too much wine.''

'Excuse me,'' Mr. Poe said, as another telephone rang. 'Poe here,'' he said. 'Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Six and a half. Seven. You're welcome.'' He hung up and quickly wrote something down on one of his papers, then looked at the children. 'I'm sorry,'' he said, 'what were you saying about Count Olaf? Making you do chores doesn't sound too bad.''

'He calls us orphans.''

'He has terrible friends.''

'He is always asking about our money.''

'Poko!'' (This was from Sunny.)

Mr. Poe put up his hands to indicate he had heard enough. 'Children, children,'' he said. 'You must give yourselves time to adjust to your new home. You've only been there a few days.''

'We have been there long enough to know Count Olaf is a bad man,'' Klaus said.

Mr. Poe sighed, and looked at each of the three children. His face was kind, but it didn't look like he really believed what the Baudelaire orphans were saying. 'Are you familiar with the Latin term 'in loco parentis''?'' he asked.

Violet and Sunny looked at Klaus. The biggest reader of the three, he was the most likely to know vocabulary words and foreign phrases. 'Something about trains?'' he asked. Maybe Mr. Poe was going to take them by train to another relative.

Mr. Poe shook his head. ' 'In loco parentis'' means 'acting in the role of parent,'' '' he said. 'It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf. Now that you are in his care, the Count may raise you using any methods he sees fit. I'm sorry if your parents did not make you do any household chores, or if you never saw them drink any wine, or if you like their friends better than Count Olaf's friends, but these are things that you must get used to, as Count Olaf is acting in loco parentis. Understand?''

'But he struck my brother!'' Violet said. 'Look at his face!''

As Violet spoke, Mr. Poe reached into his pocket for his handkerchief and, covering his mouth, coughed many, many times into it. He coughed so loudly that Violet could not be certain he had heard her.

'Whatever Count Olaf has done,'' Mr. Poe said, glancing down at one of his papers and circling a number, 'he has acted in loco parentis, and there's nothing I can do about it. Your money will be well protected by myself and by the bank, but Count Olaf's parenting techniques are his own business. Now, I hate to usher you out posthaste, but I have very much work to do.''

The children just sat there, stunned. Mr. Poe looked up, and cleared his throat. ' 'Posthaste,'' '' he said, 'means—''

'—means you'll do nothing to help us,'' Violet finished for him. She was shaking with anger and frustration. As one of the phones began ringing, she stood up and walked out of the room, followed by Klaus, who was carrying Sunny. They stalked out of the bank and stood on the street, not knowing what to do next.

'What shall we do next?'' Klaus asked sadly.

Violet stared up at the sky. She wished she could invent something that could take them out of there. 'It's getting a bit late,'' she said. 'We might as well just go back and think of something else tomorrow. Perhaps we can stop and see Justice Strauss.''

'But you said she wouldn't help us,'' Klaus said.

'Not for help,'' Violet said, 'for books.''

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between 'literally'' and 'figuratively.'' If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it's happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters. The Baudelaire orphans walked back to Count Olaf's neighborhood and stopped at the home of Justice Strauss, who welcomed them inside and let them choose books from the library. Violet chose several about mechanical inventions, Klaus chose several about wolves, and Sunny found a book with many pictures of teeth inside. They then went to their room and crowded together on the one bed, reading intently and happily. Figuratively, they escaped from Count Olaf and their miserable existence. They did not literally escape, because they were still in his house and vulnerable to Olaf's evil in loco parentis ways. But by immersing themselves in their favorite reading topics, they felt far away from their predicament, as if they had escaped. In the situation of the orphans, figuratively escaping was not enough, of course, but at the end of a tiring and hopeless day, it would have to do. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny read their books and, in the back of their minds, hoped that soon their figurative escape would eventually turn into a literal one.

Chapter Six

The next morning, when the children stumbled sleepily from their bedroom into the kitchen, rather than a note from Count Olaf they found Count Olaf himself.

'Good morning, orphans,'' he said. 'I have your oatmeal all ready in bowls for you.''

The children took seats at the kitchen table and stared nervously into their oatmeal. If you knew Count Olaf, and he suddenly served you a meal, wouldn't you be afraid there was something terrible in it, like poison or ground glass? But instead, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny found that fresh raspberries had been sprinkled on top of each of their portions. The Baudelaire orphans hadn't had raspberries since their parents died, although they were extremely fond of them.