The phone rings again. I put it on hands free.
'Computer Room' I shout, still deep in the game.
'I've lost my files' a user whines over the loudspeaker.
'You bet you have' I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for me to get zapped by the wizard. 'What was your username?' I say, all sweetness and smiles.
He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it!
Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his path to '.' and redefine the command 'news' to execute a script in his old login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer, then delete itself.
Now that's trying!
BOfH #6
It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings. Shit!
I turn the page on the excuse sheet. 'SOLAR FLARES' stares out at me. I'd better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone.
'Hello?' I say.
'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!'
I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me in a bad mood. You know what I mean.
'Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always disrupts electronics...' I say, sweet as a sugar pie.
'Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!'
'Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's effects. Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys account while he was working on it!'
'Really?'
'Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?'
'Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!'
'Ok, what's your username...'
He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head.
(Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit?.. I think not)
'How many files are in your account?' I ask
'Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing'
'Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still got 2 files left... .cshrc and .login'
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!'
He sobs into the receiver a bit – it really turns my stomach.
'What can I do?' he sniffs
'Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?'
'Some, but it's weeks old!'
I fire up the bulk eraser.
'Ok' I say 'How about I come out and load all that data onto your account pronto so you can get some work done?'
'That'd be great, but it's all at home' he wimpers. 'I spose I'll just load it all in myself tonight'
'Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and machines. Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their data'
'How do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?'
'NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A MICROWAVE DON'T YOU?!'
'Yes..'
'Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects disks from solar activity..'
'What's that?'
'MAGNETS! Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets – Solar Flares hate that'
'Wow! Thanks'
'No worries at all...'
BOfH #7
So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND, because I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him sit in my chair. I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off.
First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into coins and then ask to see a balance of my account. Then I yank the power lead out of the teller's vdu. It dies. I say I'm in a hurry and is the manager around?
He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the problem is. I say that all I want is a balance of my accounts. I cross my fingers. YES! He finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT. Now's my chance – I slip up against the counter, slopping 200 coins across the counter. The manager ignores it, but all the tellers dive for the money. I watch, unobserved, as the manager types in his password at the breakneck speed of one character a minute. At that rate I should've got $100 worth.... He finishes typing. 'MONEY'. What a toughy! Well, that's my mortgage taken care of tonight...
A user that I recognise from 'D(eletion)-Day '89' approaches. I think he's going to talk to me!! Even the bank manager is shaking his head furiously. But it's too late, he stops.
'Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer to buy to do my thesis on?'
?!
Right.
'You've heard of Commodore 64's?' I ask.
'Yes?..'
'Avoid them like the plague! Not many people know this, but computers aren't made to handle that much memory – it's over 64,000 things, more in some cases. It's a recipe for disaster!'
'Oh!'
'Try something safe and proven. A ZX81 with dual cassette drive if you can get it. The 1K ram model. Write that down. Don't buy a disk drive – You know how they're always failing, but music cassettes last forever!'
'Hey thanks!'
'No worries. What was your username again?'
He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. You'd think they'd learn.
I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal. I ask him if he wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on people when they're in the toilet...
I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it rings. I hate it when it does that, it takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in.
It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer problem! I love it when that happens!
'What's your username?' I ask
