'When will he be back?'
'Don't know. Didn't say ... leave a message?'
She cut off the phone with her fist; turned away from the wall shaken with fury. 'No message.'
She crossed the room again to pick up the dawn-pink shell, held it against her while she traced its satin- rubbed convolutions with unsteady fingers. She touched the flawed place where one fragile spine had snapped off. Her fingers closed over the next spine, and broke it. She broke another, and another; the spines fell without a sound onto the carpet. Jerusha whimpered softly as they fell, as though she were breaking her own fingers.
Chapter 29
'Everything we do affects everything else.'
'I know...' Moon walked beside Ngenet down the slope of the hill that lay ochre and silver with salt grass, rippling like the wind's harp below the plantation house. The house itself melted into the sere, burnished hills beyond; its weathered stone and salt bleached wood were as much a part of this land as — as he is. Moon studied his profile moodily from the side of her eye, remembering how strange it had seemed to her the first time, the last time, she had seen it. Five years ago ... it was true, she could see five years of change in his face; but not in her own.
And yet she had changed, aged, in the moment that she saw the life light go out of Elsevier's eyes. Death had let her pass ... but Death had not been denied. Grief lifted her and dropped her, the storm tide of mourning trapped in a bottle. If she had not willfully challenged Death, this death would not be on her soul. 'If Elsevier hadn't brought me back to Tiamat, shed still be alive. If I'd stayed on Kharemough with her, she would have been ... happy.' Suddenly she was seeing not Elsevier, but Sparks. No one's dreams ever mattered as much as mine. Moon's legs trembled under her.
'But you wouldn't have been.' Ngenet looked down at her, steadying her with a firm hand as the slope steepened. 'And knowing that you were unhappy, shed have been unhappy too. We can't spend our lives living a lie for someone else; it never works out. You have to be true to yourself. She knew that, or you wouldn't be here now. It was inevitable. Death is inevitable, deny it though we will.' She glanced up at him sharply, seeing him distorted by her own grief, and away again. 'After TJ died, she was never the same. My father always used to say that she was a one-man woman. For better or worse.' He pushed his hands into the pouch of his parka, gazing northward, following the coastline into the white-hazed distances where Carbuncle lay. 'Moon, everything affects everything else. I've lived this long without learning anything, if I haven't learned that.
Never take all the credit ... or all the blame. You weren't to blame.'
'I was!' She shook her head disconsolately.
'Then start thinking about what you can do to repay her!' He waited for the question in her eyes. 'Don't let your grieving turn sour. Don't be so damned selfish about it. You said yourself a sibyl told you to return to Tiamat. And that your own mind told you to.'
'To help Sparks.' She followed the line of his northward gaze. A one-man woman ...
'Only a circuit in a greater machinery. The sibyl mind doesn't send messages across half a galaxy to comfort a broken heart. There's more to your destiny than that.' He stopped suddenly, facing her.
'I — I know.' She moved her feet in the tangled grass, suddenly afraid; watched her shadow like a cloud looking down on the face of the land. 'I understand that now,' not really understanding, or believing it. 'But I don't know why, if it's not to help Sparks. Something did tell me to come — but it didn't tell me enough.'
'Maybe it has told you. What did you learn by going to Khare mo ugh that you wouldn't have learned here?'
She glanced up, startled. 'I learned ... what it means to be a sibyl. I learned that there are things on Kharemough that we have a right to have here, but they keep them from us.' She heard her voice turn cold like the wind. 'I understand what Elsevier believed in, and why... All of that is part of me. No one can make me forget it. And I want to change it.' Her mouth twitched; her fists tightened in her pockets. 'But I don't know how.' Sparks. Maybe Sparks knows...
'You'll discover the way, when you reach Carbuncle.'
She smiled. 'The last time we talked about that, you didn't want me to go at all.'
'I still don't,' gruffly. 'But I'm not talking to the same woman. Who am I to argue with destiny? My father taught me to believe in reincarnation — that what we are in this life is the reward or punishment for what we did in the last one. If I wanted to play philosopher I'd tell you that when Elsevier died her spirit was reborn into you, there in the sea. A sea change.'
'I want to believe that—' She closed her eyes; smiled at last, opening them again, as belief metastasized. 'Miroe, do you ever wonder who you were before? And whether, if we were born knowing what we had to make up for instead of crawling blindly through a penance, anything would be different?'
He laughed. 'That's the kind of question I should be asking you, sibyl.'
Sibyl. I belong again. I am whole again. Whaler. Holy... The cold air burned in her lungs. She pressed the spot beneath her parka where the trefoil lay hidden; found herself looking to the north again, longing for a glimpse of what lay beyond sight. It was nearing the time of the final Festival, when the Prime Minister came to Carbuncle for the last time. She felt a stirring of curiosity at the thought that he was following her here from Kharemough. But it would be another fortnight before a trader's ship put in here to take her to Carbuncle. Only a fortnight until she would know-She was suddenly aware of her heart beating hard hi her chest, and did not know whether she was feeling anticipation or fear.
They passed the outbuildings where he kept his peculiar workshops, kept going downhill toward the vast flooded fields that embroidered the narrow coastal plain, north— and southward to the limits of his land grant. In his workshops Ngenet tinkered with an incredible variety of obsolete engines and primitive tools — things that would have seemed marvelous to her short months ago, but that simply seemed pointless to her now. She had asked him why he bothered with them, when he had things from the city that could do everything they did, and much better. He had only smiled, and asked her not to tell anyone else about his quirks.
Whiter laborers strolled past them on stilts through watery beds of sea hair — a staple crop for human and animal here in the harsher northern latitudes. The workers glanced up in respectful greeting; a man here, a woman there gave Moon an extra, fleeting smile. Ngenet had told his household staff only that she was a sailor saved from drowning by the mers. But the outback Winters, who lived with the Sea, were not as far removed from belief in the Sea Mother as she had always heard. They had nursed her with all the solicitude due the object of a small miracle. The field hands had taught her to walk on stilts one sunny afternoon: Balancing precariously, taking awkward, stumbling strides on the dry land, she knew ruefully why they wore watertight suits when they worked in the tangle of inundated grasses.
She followed Ngenet along the raised stone walkways that netted the fields, passing through a tunnel of time, the sight and the smell of the sea harvest carrying her home to Neith: to Gran, to her mother, to Sparks — to the lost time. To the time when the future had been as certain as the past, and she knew that she would never have to face it alone. The lost time. Now she had heard the voice of the new future, and it called her from star to star, to the City in the North...
Their boots rattled on the wooden pier that sat in the sheltered inlet which served as the plantation's harbor. The waters of the half bay, held in safe arms away from the constant wind, lay blue and silver under the sky. She could still look at the Sea without being swept back into the nightmare of the Lady's ordeal by water; it had surprised her to find that she could. But stronger than the memory was the knowledge that the Sea had spared her in the end. She had survived. The Sea gave and She took away, an elemental manifestation of a greater, universal indifference. And yet twice she had faced that indifference, with her mind and her body, and been spared. A nameless counter fate was alive inside her, and while it lived in her, she would not be afraid.
The far blue surface of the water fountained white as a tandem of mers shattered its peace with the perfect arc of their bodies. She watched them rise and fall again and again through the surface of the bay; disappear once more into the watery underworld. Another track, less obtrusive, veered toward her across the water
