Удушье (Choke)

My eyes closed, I'm trying to relax enough.

Breathe in. Then out.

Think of the monkey and the chestnuts.

Slow and even, in and then out.

Tanya twisting the first ball against me, I say, 'You'd tell me if I sounded too needy, wouldn't you?'

And the first ball pops inside.

'Why don't people believe me,' I say, 'when I tell them I just don't care?'

And the second ball pops in.

'I really really can't give a shit about anything,' I say. Another ball pops in. 'I'm not going to get hurt, again,' I say. Something else pops inside me.

Tanya still throating my dog, she makes a fist around the dan­gling string and yanks.

Imagine a woman yanking your guts out. See also: My dying mother.

See also: Dr. Paige Marshall.

Tanya yanks again, and my dog triggers, the white soldiers gobbing against the bedroom wallpaper beside her face. She yanks again, and my dog's coughing dry and still coughing.

And still triggering dry, I say, 'Damn. For serious, I felt that.'

What would Jesus NOT do?

Leaning forward with both my hands spread against the wall, my knees folding a little, I say, 'Easy does it.' I tell Tanya, 'You're not starting a lawn mower.'

And Tanya kneeling under me, still looking at the greasy, stinking balls on the floor, says, 'Oh boy.' She lifts the string of red rubber balls for me to see, and she says, 'There are supposed to be ten.'

There's only eight and what looks like a lot of empty string.

My ass hurts so much, I finger around back there and then check my fingers for blood. As much as I hurt right now, you'd be amazed there's not blood everywhere.

And gritting my teeth, I say, 'That was fun, don't you think?'

And Tanya says, 'I need you to sign my release form so I can get back to jail.' She's dangling the string of balls into her black bag and says, 'You're going to want to stop by an emergency room.'

See also: Impacted colon.

See also: Bowel blockage.

See also: Cramping, fever, septic shock, heart failure.

It's been five days since I remember feeling hungry enough to eat. I haven't been tired. Or worried or angry or afraid or thirsty. If the air in here smells bad, I can't tell. I only know this is Friday because Tanya is here.

Paige and her dental floss. Tanya and her toys. Gwen with her safe word. All these women are yanking me around on a string.

'No, really,' I tell Tanya. I sign the form, under sponsor, and say, 'Really, nothing's wrong. I don't feel anything left in­side.'

And Tanya takes the form and says, 'I can't believe that.' What's funny is, I'm still not sure I