Castle for himself.
'We must fight him,' Purple said.
Princess Nell and all the other friends were startled to hear these words, for usually Purple was patient and wise and counseled against fighting. 'There are many shades of gray in the world,' she explained, 'and many times when the hidden way is best; but some things are purely evil and must be fought to the death.'
'If he were but a man, I could crush him with one foot,' Dinosaur said, 'but not during the daytime; and even at night, the Queen is a sorceress, and her friends have mickle powers. We will need a plan.'
That night there was hell to pay. Kevin, the boy whom Nell had defeated over tetherball, had learned everything he knew about being a bully from none other than Burt, because Burt had lived with Kevin's mom for a while and might even have been Kevin's dad, so Kevin went to Burt and told him that he'd been beaten up by Harv and Nell acting together. That night, both Harv and Nell got the worst spanking of their lives. It went on so long that finally Mom tried to step in and get Burt to calm down. But Burt slapped Mom across the face and shoved her down on the floor. Finally, Harv and Nell ended up in their room together. Burt was in the living room having a few beers and getting into a Burly Scudd ractive. Mom had run out of the apartment, and they had no idea where she was.
One of Harv's eyes was swollen shut, and one hand was not working. Nell was terribly thirsty, and when she went to pee, it came out red. Also she had burns on her arms from Burt's cigarettes, and the pain just kept getting worse.
They could sense Burt's movements through the wall, and they could hear the Burly Scudd ractive. Harv could tell when Burt had gone to sleep because a single-user ractive eventually went into pause mode if the user stopped racting. When they were sure Burt was sleeping, they stole into the, kitchen to get some medicine from the M.C.
Harv got a bandage for his wrist and a cold-pack for his eye, and he asked the M.C. for something to put on their cuts and burns so they wouldn't get infected. The M.C. displayed a whole menu of mediaglyphs for different kinds of remedies. Some of them were premiums, which you had to pay money for, and there were a few freebies. One of the freebies was a cream that came in a tube, like toothpaste. They took it back to their room and took turns spreading it on each other's cuts and burns.
Nell lay quietly in bed until she could tell that Harv had gone to sleep. Then she got out the
When Baron Jack came back to the castle the following day, he was angry to find the ropes piled on the ground, and no bones cracked and gnawed by trolls. He stormed into the castle with drawn sword, bellowing that he would kill Harv and Princess Nell himself; but entering into the dining room, he stopped in wonderment as he saw a great feast that had been laid out on the table for him: loaves of brown bread, pots of fresh butter, roasted fowl, a suckling pig, grapes, apples, cheese, broth, and wine. Standing next to the table were Harv and Princess Nell, dressed in servants' uniforms.
'Welcome to your castle, Baron Jack,' Princess Nell said.
'As you can see, we your new servants have prepared a small snack that we hope will be to your liking.' Actually, Duck had prepared all of the food, but as this was the daytime, she had turned back into a little toy along with all the other Night Friends.
Baron Jack's anger subsided as his greedy eyes traveled over the feast. 'I will try a few bites,' he said, 'but if any of the food is not perfect, or if you do not serve me to my liking, I'll have your heads spiked on the gates of the castle like that!' and he snapped his fingers in Harv's face.
Harv looked angry and was about to blurt out something terrible, but Princess Nell remembered the words of Purple, who said that the hidden way was best, and she said in a sweet voice, 'For imperfect service we would deserve nothing better.'
Baron Jack began to eat, and such was the excellence of Duck's cooking that once he started, he could barely stop himself. He sent Harv and Nell scurrying back to the kitchen again and again to bring him more food, and though he constantly found fault with them and rose from his chair to give them beatings, he had apparently decided that they were worth more to him alive than dead.
'Sometimes he would burn their skin with cigarettes too,' Nell whispered. The letters changed on the page of the Primer.
'Princess Nell's pee-pee turned red too,' Nell said, 'because the Baron was a very bad man. And his real name wasn't Baron Jack. His real name was Burt.' As Nell spoke the words, the story changed in the Primer.
'And Harv couldn't use his arm because of the wrist, so he had to carry everything with one hand, and that's because Burt was a bad man and he hurt it really bad,' Nell said.
After a long silence, the Primer began to speak again, but the lovely voice of the Vicky woman who told the story sounded thick and hoarse all of a sudden and would stumble in the middle of sentences.
Baron Burt ate all day, until finally the sun went down.
'Bar the doors,' said a high squeaking voice, 'or the trolls will be after us!'
These words came from a little man in a suit and top hat who had just scurried through the doors and was now eyeing the sunset nervously.
'Who is that pipsqueak interrupting my dinner!?' roared Baron Burt.
'This is our neighbor,' Princess Nell said. 'He comes to visit us in the evening. Please let him sit by the fire.'
Baron Burt looked a bit suspicious, but at this moment Harv set a delicious strawberry cheesecake in front of him, and he forgot about the little man entirely, until a few minutes later, when the high squeaking voice piped up again:
There once was a Baron named Burt
Who was so tough he couldn't be hurt
And could wrestle a bear; but I think
After two or three drinks
Like a child he'd throw up on his shirt.
'Who dares mock the Baron!?' bellowed Baron Burt, and looked down to see the new visitor leaning insouciantly on his walking stick and raising a glass as if to toast his health.
Your Majesty, don't be upset
And please feel free now to get
Into bed; for it's been a long day
And you're in a bad way
And your trousers you're soon going to wet.
'Bring me a cask of ale!' shouted Baron Burt. 'And bring another for this upstart, and we'll see who can hold his drink.'
Harv rolled two casks of strong ale into the room. Baron Burt raised one to his lips and drained it in single pull. The little man on the floor then did the same.
Two skins of wine were then brought, and once again both Baron Burt and the little man easily finished them. Finally, two bottles of strong liquor were brought, and the Baron and the little man took turns drinking one swallow at a time until the bottles were empty. The Baron was confounded by the small man's ability to drink; but there he stood, upright and sober, while Baron Burt was becoming very drunk.
Finally the little man pulled a small bottle from his pocket and said,
For a young man, ale is fine
While grown-ups much prefer wine
Liquor's a thing
That's fit for a king
But it's kid stuff compared to moonshine.
The little man uncorked the bottle and took a drink, then handed it to Baron Burt. The Baron took one swallow and fell asleep instantly in his chair.
'Mission accomplished,' said the little man, sweeping off his top hat with a deep bow, revealing a set of long furry ears-for he was none other than Peter in disguise.
Princess Nell ran back to the kitchen to tell Dinosaur, who was sitting by the fire with a long wooden pole,
