Tell No One

The radiator heat was beyond stifling, but you needed that in a place where kids were frequently getting undressed. I wore my customary pediatrician garb: blue jeans, Chuck Taylor Cons, a button down oxford, and a bright Save the Children tie that screamed 1994. I didn't wear the white coat. I think it scares the kids.

My fourteen-year-old – yes, I couldn't get past her age – was a really good kid. Funny thing is, they all are. I referred her to an obstetrician I liked. Then I spoke to her mother. Nothing new or surprising. As I said, I do this almost every day. We hugged when she left. Over her shoulder, her mother and I exchanged a glance. Approximately twenty-five moms take their children to see me each day; at the end of the week, I can count on one hand how many are married.

Like I said, I don't judge. But I do observe.

After they left, I started jotting notes in the girl's chart. I flipped back a few pages. I'd been following her since I was a resident. That meant she started with me when she was eight years old. I looked at her growth chart. I remembered her as an eight-year-old, and then I thought about what she'd just looked like. She hadn't changed much. I finally closed my eyes and rubbed them.

Homer Simpson interrupted me by shouting, 'The mail! The mail is here! Oooo!'

I opened my eyes and turned toward the monitor. This was Homer Simpson as in the TV show The Simpsons. Someone had replaced the computer's droning 'You've got mail' with this Homer audio wave. I liked it. I liked it a lot.

I was about to check my email when the intercom's squawking stopped my hand. Wanda, a receptionist, said, 'You're, uh, hmm, you're, uh… Shauna is on the phone.'

I understood the confusion. I thanked her and hit the blinking button. 'Hello, sweetums.'

'Never mind,' she said. 'I'm here.'

Shauna hung up her cellular. I stood and walked down the corridor as Shauna made her entrance from the street. Shauna stalks into a room as though it offends her. She was a plus-size model, one of the few known by one name. Shauna. Like Cher or Fabio. She stood six one and weighed one hundred ninety pounds. She was, as you might expect, a head-turner, and all heads in the waiting room obliged.

Shauna did not bother stopping at Reception and Reception knew better than to try to stop her. She pulled open the door and greeted me with the words 'Lunch. Now.'

'I told you. I'm going to be busy.'

'Put on a coat,' she said. 'It's cold out.'

'Look, I'm fine. The anniversary isn't until tomorrow anyway.'

'You're buying.'

I hesitated and she knew she had me.

'Come on, Beck, it'll be fun. Like in college. Remember how we used to go out and scope hot babes together?'

'I never scoped hot babes.'

'Oh, right, that was me. Go get your coat.'

On the way back to my office, one of the mothers gave me a big smile and pulled me aside. 'She's even more beautiful in person,' she whispered.

'Eh,' I said.

'Are you and she…' The mother made a together motion with her hands.

'No, she's already involved with someone,' I said.

'Really? Who?'

'My sister.'

We ate at a crummy Chinese restaurant with a Chinese waiter who spoke only Spanish. Shauna, dressed impeccably in a blue suit with a neckline that plunged like Black Monday, frowned. 'Moo shu pork in a tortilla shell?'

'Be adventurous,' I said.

We met our first day of college. Someone in the registrar's office had screwed up and thought her name was Shaun, and we thus ended up roommates. We were all set to report the mistake when we started chatting. She bought me a beer. I started to like her. A few hours later, we decided to give it a go because our real roommates might be assholes.

I went to Amherst College, an exclusive small-Ivy institution in western Massachusetts, and if there is a prep pier place on the planet, I don't know it. Elizabeth, our high school valedictorian, chose Yale. We could have gone to the same college, but we discussed it and decided that this would be yet another excellent test for our relationship. Again, we were doing the mature thing. The result? We missed each other like mad. The separation deepened our commitment and gave our love a new distance-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder dimension.

Nauseating, I know.

Between bites, Shauna asked, 'Can you baby-sit Mark tonight?'

Mark was my five-year-old nephew. Sometime during our senior year, Shauna started dating my older sister, Linda. They had a commitment ceremony seven years ago. Mark was the by-product of, well, their love, with a little help from artificial insemination. Linda carried him to term and Shauna adopted him. Being somewhat old- fashioned, they wanted their son to have a male role model in his life. Enter me.

Next to what I see at work, we're talking Ozzie and Harriet.

'No prob,' I said. 'I want to see the new Disney film anyway.'

'The new Disney chick is a babe and a half,' Shauna said. 'Their

hottest since Pocahontas.'

'Good to know,' I said. 'So where are you and Linda going?'

'Beats the hell out of me. Now that lesbians are chic, our social

calendar is ridiculous. I almost long for the days when we hid in

closets.'

I ordered a beer. Probably shouldn't have, but one wouldn't hurt.

Shauna ordered one too. 'So you broke up with what's-her name,' she said.

'Brandy.'

'Right. Nice name, by the way. She have a sister named Whiskey?'

'We only went out twice.'

'Good. She was a skinny witch. Besides, I got someone perfect for you.'

'No, thanks,' I said.

'She's got a killer bod.'

'Don't set me up, Shauna. Please.'

'Why not?'

'Remember the last time you set me up?'

'With Cassandra.'

'Right.'

'So what was wrong with her?'

'For one thing, she was a lesbian.'

'Christ, Beck, you're such a bigot.'

Her cell phone rang. She leaned back and answered it, but her eyes never left my face. She barked something and flipped the mouthpiece up. 'I have to go,' she said.

I signaled for the check.

'You're coming over tomorrow night,' she pronounced.

I feigned a gasp. 'The lesbians have no plans?'

'I don't. Your sister does. She's going stag to the big Brandon Scope formal.'

'You're not going with her?'

'Nah.'

'Why not?'

'We don't want to leave Mark without us two nights in a row. Linda has to go. She's running the trust now. Me, I'm taking the night off. So come over tomorrow night, okay? I'll order in, we'll watch videos with Mark.'

Tomorrow was the anniversary. Had Elizabeth lived, we'd be scratching our twenty-first line in that tree. Strange as this might sound, tomorrow would not be a particularly hard day for me. For anniversaries or holidays or Elizabeth 's birthday, I get so geared up that I usually handle them with no problems. It's the 'regular' days that are hard. When I flip with the remote and stumble across a classic episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show or Cheers. When I walk through a bookstore and see a new title by Alice Hoffman or Anne Tyler. When I listen to the O'Jays or the Four Tops or Nina Simone. Regular stuff.

'I told Elizabeth 's mother I'd stop by,' I said.

'Ah, Beck…' She was about to argue but caught herself. 'How about after?'

'Sure,' I said.

Shauna grabbed my arm. 'You're disappearing again, Beck.'

I didn't reply.

'I love you, you know. I mean, if you had any sort of sexual appeal whatsoever, I probably would have gone for you instead of your sister.'

'I'm flattered,' I said. 'Really.'

'Don't shut me out. If you shut me out, you shut everyone out. Talk to me, okay?'

'Okay,' I said. But I can't.