Stupid Wars : A Citizen's Guide to Botched Putsches, Failed Coups, Inane Invasions, and Ridiculous R

drop two atomic bombs on Japan. He retired in 1948 with a chest full of ribbons. Upon his death in 1974 he was buried on the grounds of the U.S. Air Force Academy.

The Romanians, after feeding oil to Hitler’s war machine, eagerly participating in the Holocaust, fighting the Soviets for three years, absorbing the pounding of the vast American air force, seeing their only national asset of any great value destroyed, getting robbed and overrun by the Reds, taking on the Germans, invading Hungary and Czechoslovakia, and getting treated like a crazy uncle by everyone involved, were completely ignored by the entire world for two generations. All with a little help from their friends.

It turns out Antonescu did find a way to get Transylvania back. It simply required fighting every major combatant in World War II on both sides of the war and enduring a Soviet occupation.

His beloved Transylvania has been a happy part of Roma­nia since 1947.

ELEVEN. THE GENERALS’ COUP AGAINST HITLER: 1944

Apparently, Adolf Hitler made many enemies.

It might strike some as hard to believe that the madman who killed millions and started the most devastating war in history did not make friends as easily as Jimmy Stewart or Elmo. But people seemed genuinely angry at the Der Führer.

This select group was not limited to Russians, French, Czechs, Jews, Poles… you know the list. Most Germans who dared publicly express their dislike for Hitler — and even some who expressed these feelings only in private — were locked away and executed. But a few with actual power and the ability to strike back at Hitler did exist. Surprisingly, many were leaders of the German army. These officers were the descendants of the master warfare technicians of the vaunted Prussian General Staff, which had reordered Europe for nearly two hundred years. These plotters gathered, talked, and planned ways to kill Hitler, the despised former lance corporal and HQ messenger.

After numerous close calls that required evading Hitler’s body armor of SS and Gestapo, the plotting climaxed in one last great thrust at Adolf. On July 20, 1944, as the German military desperately fought off the growing weight of Allied forces, this small group took their boldest step. They planted a bomb practically under Hitler’s feet at his headquarters in the East Prussian forest. With Adolf blown up, the plotters planned to seize control of Germany in a swift coup d’état. The generals would then immediately appeal to the Allies for peace terms and bring the horrible war to a close.

But this effort, like their numerous prior attempts, failed. The plotters’ abject failures over many years stemmed from fighting a twentieth-century dictator with a nineteenth-century mind-set. The dwindling number of plotters, steeped in the ways of the Prussian military tradition of noble combat, clung to their outmoded beliefs in the sanctity of honor and follow­ing orders, despite Hitler’s use of their revolutionary blitzkrieg tactics, which he used to brutally carve up Europe. Hitler and his gang were radicals who believed in total war and killing anyone who got in the way. This clash of principles, in many ways a clash of centuries, doomed the plotters to failure.

THE PLAYERS

General Ludwig Beck — The old wise man of the German army, Beck held the post of chief of the German General Staff, the top staff officer in the entire army, and achieved renown in Germany for deftly handling the humiliating retreat of ninety divisions from the western front at the end of World War I.

Skinny — Between the wars he authored the seminal work on mili­tary tactics.

Props — In a rage of Prussian honor, he resigned in 1938 to protest Hitler’s aggressive maneuvering against Czechoslovakia. It was a parade of one.

Pros — Ringleader of the anti-Hitler cadre.

Cons — Looked like the mean old man down the street who always scared children.

Colonel Klaus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg — He descended from a long line of military leaders, meaning his ancestors invaded virtu­ally every country in Europe, while also holding the title of Schenk (meaning “Cup-bearer,” and yes, this was an important title). The young colonel, who was the chief of staff of the Replacement Army, despised Hitler and was the one who actually set off the bomb on July 20.

Skinny — Tall and noble, he was one of the most famous soldiers in Germany.

Props — Heavily decorated war hero, Stauffenberg lost an eye, an arm, and two fingers in battle in North Africa under Rommel.

Pros — Motivated to kill Hitler on moral grounds.

Cons — Don’t bet on three-fingered assassins.

General Friedrich Fromm — The rotund general held the sleepy post of commander of the Replacement Army, which put him in control of the troops in and around Berlin that would take over the city once Hitler was killed.

Skinny — Supported the coup, then didn’t, ate more schnitzel, flip-flopped again, then couldn’t decide. Backbone was not his middle name.

Props — The corpulent commander believed he was a big deal be­cause he was defending Germany from unsightly, undernourished foreign workers.

Pros — At least he carried a weapon to the office.

Cons — Cowardly executed the conspirators to save his own skin.

THE GENERAL SITUATION

Hitler and his generals had a tense relationship. On one hand, the army did his bidding and conquered most of Europe, expanding Hitler’s murderous empire. On the other, the army hated Hitler and tried to thwart his ambition at virtually every stage. Many of the generals saw Hitler as an upstart corporal, his rank during World War I. In turn, Hitler distrusted the army and was so afraid of an assassination at­tempt by them that he virtually refused to meet with any of its leaders.

To further cement dominance over the military establish­ment, Hitler built his own separate command structure, the OKW, with himself as the leader, which he erected over the army’s command, the OKH. Hitler now directly controlled the military.

Hitler and his generals lived like a warring couple forced to share the same house. Since at least the time of Frederick the Great, the army had been the backbone of the modern German state. It’s leaders came almost exclusively from no­bility, Junker families with large estates where son followed father into the army.

After their humiliating defeat in World War I, the army, besides having to watch the French preen as victors, was re­duced to the size of a police force. The old Prussians were determined to keep the army alive, and many supported Hit­ler’s mesmerizing vision of using the army to rebuild Ger­many to its former glory. Survival of the army was paramount. The army was the state, and whatever it took to ensure its survival, including striking a deal with the odious Nazi ideology, was acceptable. In 1934 Hitler required every