I imagine then. I was in the stables when he rode in. It was a very brief meeting and one changes a lot in the years. He couldn’t have recognized me, but I was afraid. “
“And now?” I said.
“What now?”
“It looks as though this could be the end of the story.”
“What happened on that day? Can you bear to talk of it?”
“I think I could tell you. One wants to talk to someone and you and I well, we’ve become friends … real friends. We trust each other, and even if I felt you might betray me, you couldn’t do much harm here, could you? To whom could you betray me here?”
“I would not dream of betraying you anywhere! You’ve told me you were innocent anyway.”
“I never felt that I belonged at Perrivale. That’s rather sad for a child, you know. I have vague memories of what I used to think of as Before. Life was comfortable and easy then. I was five years old before it changed into what I called Now. There was someone I called Angel. She was plump, cosy and smelt of lavender; she was always there to comfort me. There was another one, too. She was Aunt Ada. She did not live in the cottage with us but she came there often. On the days when she came I used to hide under a table which was covered with a red cloth, velvety and smooth. I can feel that cloth now and the faint odour of mothballs, and I can hear the strident voice saying, ” Why don’t you, Alice? ” in tones of reproach. Alice was the cosy lavender-smelling Angel.
“I remember once going in a train with Angel. We were going to Aunt Ada, to Witch’s Home. I believed then that Aunt Ada was a witch. She must be if she lived in Witch’s Home. I clung to Angel’s hand as we entered. It was a little house with leaded windows which made it dark but everything in it shone brightly. All the time Aunt Ada was telling Angel what she ought to do. I was sent out to the garden. There was water at the bottom of it. I was afraid because I was separated from Angel and I thought Aunt Ada might tell her that she ought to leave me there. I can remember now my great joy when I was in the train once more with Angel beside me. I said, ” Angel, don’t let’s go to the Witch’s Home any more. “
“We did not go again but Aunt Ada came to us. I would hear her saying, you should do this, you should not do that, and Angel would say, ” Well, you see, Ada, it’s like this . ” And they would talk about the Boy which I knew referred to me. Aunt Ada was sure I would grow into a criminal if a little more discipline was not shown. Some would say she was right. But it wasn’t so, Rosetta. I am innocent.”
“I do believe you,” I told him.
He was silent for a while and his eyes looked dreamily back into the past.
He went on: “There was a man who used to come and visit us. I found out in due course that he was Sir Edward Perrivale. He brought presents for Angel and for me. She always looked pleased when he came, so I was, too. I used to be put on his knee and he would look at me and every now and then give a little chuckle. Then he would say:
“Good boy. Fine boy.” And that was all. But I thought it was rather nice and a change from Aunt Ada.
“One day I had been playing in the garden and came into the cottage to find Angel seated in a chair by the table. She had her hand to her breast; she looked pale and was gasping. I cried, ” Angel, Angel, I’m here. ” I was frightened and bewildered because she didn’t look at me.
And then suddenly she shut her eyes and she wasn’t like Angel at all.
I was frightened and went on calling her name, but she fell forward with her head down. I started to scream. People came in. They took me away then and I knew something dreadful had happened. Aunt Ada came and it was no use hiding under the tablecloth. She soon found me and told me I was a wicked boy. I didn’t care what she called me, I just wanted Angel to be there.
“She was dead. It was a strange, bewildering time. I can’t remember much of it … except that there was a constant stream of people coming to the cottage and it wasn’t the same place any more. She lay in a coffin in the parlour with the blinds drawn down. Aunt Ada took me to have ” a last look at her”. She made me kiss her cold face. I screamed and tried to run away. It wasn’t the Angel I had known lying there .. indifferent to me and my need of her. Why am I telling you all this and telling it as a child? Why don’t I just say she died, and that’s that?”
“You are telling it as it should be told,” I said.
“You make me see it as it was … as you lived it… and that is how I want to see it.”
He went on: “I can hear the tolling of the funeral bell. I can see these black-clad figures and Aunt Ada like some grisly prophet of disaster … watching me all the time, menacing me.
“Sir Edward came down for the funeral. There was a great deal of talk and it concerned ” the Boy”. I knew my future was in the balance and I was very frightened.
“I asked Mrs. Stubbs who used to come to the cottage to scrub the floors where Angel was and she said, ” Don’t you worry your little head about her. She’s safe enough. She’s in Heaven with the angels. ” Then I heard someone say, ” Of course he’ll go to Ada. “
“I could not imagine a worse fate. I had half suspected it. Ada was Angel’s sister and since Angel was in Heaven, someone had to look after the boy. I knew there was one thing I had to do. I had to find Angel, so I set out to go to Heaven where I should see her and tell her that she must come back or I would stay with her there.
“I did not get very far before I met one of the farmworkers driving a cartload of hay. He stopped and called down to me, ” Where you off to, young fellow-me-lad? ” And I’re plied, ” I’m going to Heaven. “
“That’s a long way,” he said.
“You going on your own?”
“Yes,” I told him.
“Angel is there. I’m going to her.” He said, “You’re little Simon, ain’t you?
I’ve heard about you. Here. Hop in and I’ll give you a lift. “
“Are you going to Heaven, then?” I said.
“Not yet, I hope,” he said.
“But I know the way you ought to go.” He lifted me up beside him. And what he did was take me back to the cottage. Sir Edward was the first to see me. Touching his forehead, the man who had betrayed me said, “Begging your pardon, sir, but the little lad belongs here. I picked him up on the road. On his way to Heaven, he tells me. Thought I’d best bring him back, sir.”
“Sir Edward had a strange look on his face. He gave the man money and thanked him and then he said to me, ” We’ll have a talk, shall we? ” He took me into the cottage and we went into the parlour which still smelt of lilies, but the coffin wasn’t there and I knew with a terrible sense of loneliness that she would not be there any more.
“Sir Edward put me on his knee. I thought he was going to say ” Fine boy”, but he didn’t. What he said was, ” So you were trying to find your way to Heaven, were you, boy? ” I nodded.
“It’s a place you can’t reach.” I watched his mouth moving as he spoke. He had a line of hair above the top lip and a pointed beard-a Vandyke actually.
“Why did you go?” he asked. I was not able to express myself with lucidity. I said, “Aunt Ada.” He seemed to understand.
“You don’t want to go with her. She is your aunt.” I shook my head.
“No, no, no,” I said.
“You don’t like her?” I nodded.
“Well, well,” he said.
“Let’s see what we can do.” He was very thoughtful. I think he must have made up his mind then, for a day or so later I heard that I was going away to a big house. Sir Edward was going to take me into his family. “
He smiled at me.
“You have drawn your own conclusions. I am sure they are correct. I was his son … his illegitimate son, though it was hard to believe that, he being the man I came to know later. I was sure he loved my mother, Angel. Anybody must. I sensed it when they were together, but of course he couldn’t marry her. She was not the right sort for him. He must have fallen in love with her and set her up in the cottage and he came to visit her from time to time. I was never told this by Sir Edward or anyone. It was an assumption, but so plausible that it was accepted by all. Why else should he have taken me into his household and educated me with his sons? “
“So,” I said.
“That is how you came to Perrivale Court.”
“Yes. I was two years older than Cosmo and three than Tristan. That was fortunate for me; otherwise I
