wanted from people. Most of my sisters and brothers were cleverer than I, but they did not know how to lure my mother from a scolding mood to one of affection, as I did. It may have been because of my childishness, my innocence as they called it; and then, of course, my appearance helped. I was small and fairy-like; in fact the French Ambassador, who was constantly commenting on my appearance to his masters at Versailles, referred to me as ‘a dainty morsel. ” But I don’t think it was entirely this. I do believe that I could, in an extremely superficial way, of course, assess those little traits of character which would enable me to know how far I could go in my dealings with a person. So as soon as I saw the Abbe Vermond I was relieved.
He was learned, naturally, so he was going to be appalled by my ignorance; and he was. What could I do? I could speak Italian and French after a fashion with a great many German expressions to help me along; my handwriting was disgraceful; I knew little of history and nothing of French literature, which Monsieur de Choiseui had said was so necessary. I could sing fairly well; I loved music; and I could dance ‘comme un ange,” as Noverre had said. I also had been an Archduchess from my birth and when I was in my mother’s salon I seemed to know instinctively which people I should speak to and to whom I should merely incline my head. This was inherent. It was true that in the privacy of my own apartments I was sometimes too familiar with my servants and if any of them had any young children I liked to play with them, for I adored children, and when Caroline had said that marriage was hateful I did remind her that marriage meant having children and it must be worth a lot of discomfort to have them.
Although I was more friendly with the servants than the rest of my family were, because I had this inherent royal demeanour, they rarely took advantage of it. My mother was aware of it, and I believe she thought it better not to try to change it.
The Abbe Vermond was by no means handsome. He seemed old to me, but now I would say he was middle- aged when be came to Vienna. He had been a librarian and it quickly became clear to me that he was delighted to have been selected for this appointment to teach me. I was beginning to be aware of how important I was becoming. I was being trained to become the Dauphine of France who could very quickly become the Queen and this was one of the most elevated positions any woman in the world could hold. It was very different from being Archduchess of Austria.
Sometimes it was too alarming to be thought of-so in accordance with my usual practice, I did not think of it.
Although the Abbe was astonished by my ignorance, he desperately wanted to please me. The actors and my dancing master had wanted to please me because I was an attractive girl; but the Abbe Vermond wanted to please me because one day I might well be Queen of France. I knew the difference.
It became clear soon that he was quite unaccustomed to living in palaces, and although our Schonbrunn and Hofburg would not compare with Versailles, or the other chateaux and palaces of France, he betrayed quite clearly that it was very grand in his eyes. He had been brought up in a village where his father had been a doctor and his brother an accoucheur; he himself had become a priest and would never have reached his present position but for the patronage of the Archbishop.
Aware of this desire to please not only my mother but me, I was quite content to study with the Abbe. We read together and studied for an hour each day which he said was enough because he knew that was all I could endure without becoming bored and irritated. Much later when I talked about those days with Madame Campan, who by then was more than first lady of the bedchamber and had become a friend, she pointed out the harm Vermond had done. But she disliked him and she thought he had a share of the blame for every thing that happened to us. Instead of reading together in our lighthearted way, and his allowing me to break off and give imitations of various people of the Court of whom some remark would remind me, I should have been given a thorough grounding not only in French literature but in the manners and customs of that land. I should, she said, have been made ready for the Court of which I was to be a part. I should have been made to study throughout the day if necessary (no matter how unpopular that made Monsieur Vermond); I should have been taught something of French history and of the people of France; I should have learned something about the rumbling dissatisfaction which long before I went there was making itself felt.
But dear Campan was a natural bos bleu and she hated Vermond and loved me; moreover, she was desperately anxious for me at that time.
So although I had to substitute a priest for my actors, the exchange was not so bad after all; and the daily hour with Vermond went pleasantly enough.
But I was not left alone. My appearance was under continual discussion. Why? I wondered, thinking of Joseph’s wife with the dumpy figure and the red spots. I had a good complexion, fine and delicately coloured; my hair was abundant; some said it was golden, some russet, some red. Blonde cendre, the French were to call it; and in the shops of Paris they would display gold-coloured silk and call it chevetix de la Reme. But my high forehead caused a great deal of consternation. My mother was disturbed because Prince Starhemburg, our ambassador in France, reported:
“This trifling imperfection might appear considerable at a time when high foreheads are no longer in fashion.”
I would sit before the mirror contemplating this offending forehead which I had not before noticed was different from other people’s; and very soon Monsieur Larsenneur arrived from Paris. He clucked over my hair, frowned at my fore head and went to work. He tried all sorts of styles and eventually decided that if my hair were dressed in a high pile straight up from my forehead, the latter would appear to be low in comparison with the hair. So it was pulled so tightly that it hurt, and was held in place by false hair, my own colour. To my disgust I was obliged to wear it like that, and as soon as Monsieur Larsenneur had gone I used to loosen the pins. Some of my mother’s courtiers thought it unbecoming, but old Baron Neny said that when I reached Versailles all the ladies would dress their hair ‘a la Dauphine’. Remarks like that always gave me an uneasy twinge because they implied that the great change was coming nearer and nearer; and I was trying hard to forget this in all the excitement of new hairstyles and dancing steps, and luring Abbe Vermond from the book we were reading to give imitations of people at Court.
My teeth gave cause for concern too, because they were uneven. A dentist was sent from France and he looked at them and frowned, as Monsieur Larsenneur had over my hair. He was always pushing my teeth about but I don’t think he made much difference and eventually he gave up. They were a little prominent, which, as they said, made my lower lip look ‘disdainful,” I tried smiling, which, although it exposed the uneven teeth, did abolish the disdain.
I had to wear stays, which I hated, and to grow accustomed to high heels, which prevented my running about the gardens with my dogs. When I thought of leaving the dogs I would burst into tears and the Abbe would comfort me by saying that when I was Dauphine I should have as many French dogs as I desired.
As my fourteenth birthday approached my mother decided that there should be a fete over which I should preside. The whole Court was going to attend, and it was to be a test to discover whether I was capable of being the centre of such an occasion.
This did not greatly alarm me. It was lessons which I could not endure. So without a qualm I received the guests and danced as Noverre had taught me. I knew I was a success, because even Kaunitz, who had come solely to watch me and not to be entertained, said so. My mother told me afterwards that he had remarked: “The Archduchess will do well in spite of her childishness, providing no one spoils her.”
The words my mother emphasised were childishness and spoils. I must grow up quickly, she insisted. I must not believe that everyone would do as I wished merely because I smiled.
The time was passing. In two months, providing all the arrangements had been made and all the disagreements between the French and the Austrians settled, I was to leave for France. My mother was deeply disturbed. I was so unprepared, she said. I was summoned to her salon and told that I should sleep in her bedroom so that she could find spare moments now and then to give me her attention. I was far more horrified by this immediate prospect than by the all-important one of starting a new life in a new country which was an indication of my character.
I still remember nostalgically now those days and nights of utter discomfort and apprehension. The big state bedroom was icy; all windows were wide open to let in the fresh air; the snow fluttered into the room, but that was not so bad as the bitter wind. We were all supposed to have our windows open but in my room I would persuade my servants to close them. They were willing enough as long as they were opened again before it could be discovered that they had been shut. But there was no such comfort in my mother’s bedroom.
