what we have had to endure. “
The Ring came into my room and he said: “I heard the people applauding you. This is the end of the revolution. Now we will work out a new order—the best for us all.”
I embraced him but I did not really agree with him. I could not forget that however mild the mood of the people today, we were prisoners; and as I said to Madame Campan when I knew that they were going to force us to leave Versailles for the Tuileries: “When Kings become prisoners, they have not long to live.”
The mood of the people certainly had changed, for within the next few days furniture began to arrive from Versailles. Carpenters and upholsterers were in the place all through the day, and in a very short time those apartments we had chosen began to look more suitable for a royal residence. Our royal bodyguards, chosen from noble families, had of course been dismissed and replaced by members of La Fayette’s National Guard, and we found this tiresome, for these men were curious and ill-bred and showed little restraint in invading our privacy.
I was terrified that my son would offend these guards and I impressed on him the need to be friendly with them. This he did not find difficult; he would question them and talk to them in a way which they could not fail to find charming.
He was old enough to be puzzled by what was happening, to compare the present life with that of the past; all of us attempted to hide our apprehension in his presence and to try to lead him to the belief that everything that was happening was perfectly natural.
But he was too bright to be taken in.
One day he ran to the King and said: “Papa, I have something very serious to say to you.”
His father smiled and said he would be glad to hear more of this serious matter.
What I do not understand. Papa,” said the Dauphin, ‘is why the people who used to love you so much, are all at once angry with you. What have you done to make them so cross?”
The King took the boy on his knee and said: “I wanted to make the. people happier than they were, but I want money to pay for the cost of wars, so I asked the people for money as all Kings must do. But the Magistrates who make up the Pariement opposed this and said that only the people had the right to consent to it. I asked the principal inhabitants of all the towns, whether distinguished by birth, fortune, or talent, to come to Versailles. That is called a States-General.
When they came they asked concessions of me which I could not make either with respect to myself or in justice to you who will one day be their King. Wicked men, who urged the people to rise, have been responsible for what has happened during the last few days. You must not think the people are to be blamed for this. “
I do not know whether he understood it all, but the boy nodded gravely; and after that conversation seemed to lose a great many of his childish ways.
The dreary winter progressed. We had settled down to routine which was very different from the old life. Versailles and the Petit Trianon seemed years away. But I had changed too.
I was thirty-four years old and I had learned a terrible lesson. I was beginning to see that if I had behaved differently I should not have been reviled as I was by the people. They did not hate the King as they hated me.
I had changed so much that I chose those apartments on the ground floor so that I could be apart from my family, so that I could be alone to contemplate. How strange that I who had never been able to concentrate for more than a few seconds or so on any subject which did not interest me should now seek to know myself.
I would spend hours in writing, setting down what had happened in the past, which I have continued to do, and aoo which is the only way I can know myself and follow each step to the place which I have now reached.
I had become changed. I had grown from a frivolous girl into a woman.
The change had been sudden but only as sudden as the change in my fortunes. I felt as though I had lived through a lifetime of suffering and fear in twenty-four hours. That must have its effect on anyone.
When I remember the letters I wrote to Mercy I know how great the change was.
“The more unfortunate I am,” I wrote, ‘the stronger grows my affection for my true friends. I am looking forward so much to the moment when I shall be able to see you freely and to assure you of the feelings which you have every right to expect from me feelings which will last to the end of my life. “
At last I realised the worth of Mercy, for now I saw how different everything might have been if I had paid attention to his warnings and those of my mother.
But I took courage from the fact that now I could see that I was wrong a fact of which I had been ignorant until great suffering opened my eyes.
During that dreary winter the days seemed long and monotonous. My great comforts were my children and Axel, who was able to visit me frequently. I would sit in the schoolroom white the Abbe Davout was teaching nay son, and I saw how difficult he found it to concentrate, which reminded me so much of my own childhood that I warned him against this.
“But, Maman,” he said gravely, ‘there are so many soldiers here, and they are so much more interesting than lessons. “
Great soldiers, I reminded him, had to learn their lessons too.
We all attended Mass each day and took our meals together We were more intimate than we had ever been before, for we lived like a bourgeois family, sitting at table with the children, who joined in the conversation. Poor Adelaide and Victoire had changed very much.
Sophie had died and they were always saying: “Lucky Sophie. To have been spared this.”
But they were no longer my enemies; this misfortune had changed them too. They had enough sense to realise that the scandals they had spread about me in the past had played a strong part in bringing us all to the state in which we now found ourselves, and they were contrite. I think they were astonished too that I bore them no malice.
I had no time to be vindictive; I could take no pleasure in reminding them of all the harm they had done me. I could only be sorry for them who had lived so long in a state of society which was now cracking under their feet and leaving them defenceless.
Their attitude towards me had taken a complete turnabout;
they were affectionate and devoted perhaps even adoring, for Adelaide could never do anything by halves, and Vktoire, of course, followed her sister.
Elisabeth’s natural saintliness was increased. She was always with me and the children. Together we set about making a tapestry rug, which filled long hours of that winter as pleasantly as could be expected.
After dinner the King would slump in his chair and sleep, or go to his apartment to do so. He was gentle with the whole family and could always soothe the hysterical outbursts of the aunts which they could not help letting escape from time to time. They longed so much for a return of the old days;
they, more than any of us, found it hard to adjust them selves to the new regime.
I lived for Axel’s visits. We could not be alone together but we held many whispered conversations. He told me he could not rest while I was here in Paris. He thought continually of that terrible drive from Versailles to Paris.
“Those canaille how I loathe them! How I despise them! God knows what harm they might have done you. How can I tell you of the agonies I suffered when I knew you were in their midst? I tell you I will never rest until you are out of this city. I want you right away … where I know you shall be safe.”
I smiled and listened. His love for me, my children’s affection for me and my husband’s tenderness were all I cared to live for.
And during that long winter the theme of my lover’s discourse was Escape.
After a while my fears were lulled a little. We; were in a sense prisoners, but at least at the Tuileries we had a semblance of a Court. La Fayette was a constant visitor and he assured the King that he was his servant. La Fayette was a man of good intentions, and in this respect he was not unlike Louis. He failed to be on the spot at the important moment; he was always too late when the decision should be made promptly and too quick when it needed a great deal of consideration. But we were glad of his friendship.
He had evidence that Orleans had helped to arrange the march on Versailles and was certain that those people who swore they bad seen the Due disguised in a slouch hat had not been mistaken, and for this reason he believed that Orleans should be sent where he could do no more harm.
The King could not believe that his own cousin could be such a traitor. But La Fayette cried: “Sire, his plan is to dethrone you and be Regent of France. The very fact of his birth makes this possible.”
“What proof have you?” asked the King dismayed.
