'Please, Drusus,' I had said. 'My hands have been braceleted long enough. I am beginning to feel too helpless, too much like a slave. Please release me.' 'I will release you in the room,' he had said.
I had then continued to follow him, still braceleted, through the alleys, toward the inn of Lysias.
Why did lie not release me now? Why did be still keep mc braceleted, like a slave? Could he not see that I was almost overcome with emotion? Could he not see my misery, my distress? Could be not see how overwrought I was? Could he not see the difficulty I was having, fighting myself?
We were approaching closer and closer to the inn of Lysias. This excited and thrilled me, but, too, it frightened and terrified me. There I would be alone with Drusus Rencius, a Gorean male, in the room. What would I do? How would I act?
I moaned to myself.
I wished to run to the room, and I wished to hang back, almost as though against a leash.
Emotions raged within me, furies and resentments lingering ro~ my Earth conditionings, residues of masculine values which I had been encouraged to espouse and exemplify, and, leased on Gor, welling up from deeply within me, from what sources I could scarcely dare conjecture, alarming me, concerting me, almost overpowering feelings of helplessness, vulnerability and femininity. I did not know what to do. I did not know how to act.
'I am free,' I cried to myself, 'I am free! Free!'
But I was half naked and my hands were braceleted behind Each step, too, was taking me closer to the room!
I wished that I had never seen slaves, and the house of Kuenes. I wished I had never known how beautiful they _e, and how they were dominated by men, and must obey! ~ished that I had never felt these powerful emotions, in all
ir irresistibility, profundity and depth! But then I knew
t this was false. It is better to feel than not to feel. I was
overwhelmingly moved by having seen slaves, and thlilled to
re been permitted, even on a license, to see the house of
omenes. Even though I myself was surely not a s~ve my
,I knew, was a thousand times richer for having realized
t such things existed, for having seen such basic, deep, hu- and real things.
'How do you know that you are not a slave, Tiffany?' I asked myself. 'How do you know that you are different from those other girls? How do you know that you are not, as Publius suggested, a natural slave? How do you know tile collar would not be quite appropriate for you? How do you know it does not, in fact, rightfully belong on you?'
'No,' I said to myself, almost poutingly, 'I am free!'
Then something within me, frightening me, seemed to laugh, derisively. 'You are a slave, Tiffany,' it said. 'You know you are a slave. You have known it, in one way or another, in your heart, for years.'
'No!' I said to myself. 'No!' 'But, yes, Slave,' said the voice within me, insistently, derisively, mocking me. 'No!' I said. 'Yes,' it whispered. 'Yes, yes.'
I wondered if I was a slave. The thought thrilled me, and terrified me.
Why had Drusus Rencitis not freed me from the bracelets!
We were not now in the house of Kliomenes!
'I will release you in the room,' he had said.
Why would he not release me now? Why could he not be of help to me? Could he not see how I was fighting myself!
I wondered if she who was helpless in his bracelets was a slave.
Oddly enough I had felt most a slave, most dominated, ill the house of Kliomenes when, in the office of Publius, the men had talked, and I had knelt alone and to one side, my head down, in the light, neglected, braceleted, waiting for the men, the masters, 'to finish.
I hurried along in the alley behind Drusus Rencius.
I tried to fight the emotions flsin'g in me, welling up, irresistibly, from my very depths. I was confused and torn. In me conditioning warred with nature. Men were the masters. Did they not know that? Why did they not enforce their power', their will on us? Could they not see what we wanted, what we needed? Were they so inattentive and insensitive? Were they so stupid, so blind? Could they not see that I, in order to attain my perfection, needed the weight of a chain, the tas~ St of a whip? Could they not see that I could not be perfect until my will was taken from me, and I must serve will-lesslyl Could 'they not see that this was what I wanted? I was not man. I was a woman! I wanted to surrender to nature, but feared, mightily, to do so. I sensed what a woman might become if she surrendered to nature. I scarcely dared think i~ an let alone speak it, How categorical, how fearful, how absolute and such a thing would be! Yet I longed for it. I wished a man would throw me to my belly and lock a collar on my throat.
I wished to lie trembling at his feet, in the shadow of his Whip, knowing that thenceforth, whether I wished it or not, I existed for love, passion and service.
'Leading position,' said Drusus Rencius. I swiftly put my head down and felt his fingers lock themselves deeply in my hair. I turned my head and pressed my lips suddenly, helplessly, to his thigh, kissing him. He twisted my head cruelly to the side, holding it there, turned, so that my lips could not touch him. My eyes brimmed with tears, not only from the pain, but more so, from the fact that I had been rejected.
We had then passed the stranger, approaching, in the alley.
Drusus Rencius released my hair, and I straightened up, continuing to follow him.
We were almost at tile back entrance of the inn of Lysia I had been rejected!
How furious I was at the girl who had so helplessly kissed the leg of Drusus Rencius. How she had humiliated and embarrassed me, the shameless tart! I hated and despised he~ Where had she come from? Who was she? Surely she could We were then at the back entrance of the inn of Lysias.
'Kneel here,' said Drusus Rencius, indicating a place near back entrance, near some garbage cans.
I knelt, immediately, obediently.
He entered the inn. He would see if anyone was about, or we might, unobserved, make our way up tile back stairs to room.
I moaned softly, with need.
I knelt near tile back entrance of the inn, near the garbage bins. I pulled weakly against the bracelets.
I looked up, suddenly, startled. A man was standing there, king at me. He had come, apparently, from down the al- I put down my head, swiftly, so swiftly that it almost startled me, showing submission. I had seen his eyes. I was visibly frightened.
Then back door of the inn opened and Drusus, to my relief, emerged.
'She is not out for use?' asked the man.
'No,' said Drusus. 'Sorry.' He then snapped his fingers I leaped up and, at a gesture, preceded him into the inn, up tile rear stairs. I was trembling. I was sure that in another moment or two I, utterly helpless, might have been seized and penetrated Mli the alley.
In a moment, then, we were again in the room, and Drusus had locked the door behind us.
I leaned back against the door, my head back, breathing deeply. 'He thought you had been put out for raping,' said Drusus, chuckling to himself.
I looked at him.
'Did you enjoy the house of Kliomenesr' asked Drusus.
How absurd to me seemed the lightness, the casual cast, of his question. The experience had been an incredibly meaningful one for me. Scarcely never before, I think, had I been so in touch with my femaleness. It was hard to conceive of aow one could be more in touch with one's femaleness, unless, of course, one were oneself a slave.
Drusus Rencius looked at me. Then I went to where he stood, and knelt down before him.
He looked down at me, angrily, startled. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'Kneeling down before you,' I said, 'helpless, braceleted,' as a woman before a man.'
His fists were clenched.
'If you want me,' I said, 'have me.'
