respect; accordingly, I had found myself relating to him in a deep, real, primitive, sexual, natural, biological manner, in a manner certainly not that of a free woman, but rather of a slave or a slut. Doubtless this was supposed to be a part of his vengeance on me, but I, nonetheless, found it quite fulfilling. Something in me found it quite rewarding to relate to a man in this fashion. Too, I found it stimulating knowing that if I did not please him he might punish me.
I bit on the meat he had dropped into the trunk and I had grasped. I had not been punished. Rather, I had been rewarded.
I was pleased at how well I had done. I wondered if, as Publius, of the house of Kionicnes in Corcyrus, bad thought, I might be' a natural slave.
I had discovered, at least, that I was a slut. I did not know if, beyond that, I might also be a slave.
I chewed on the meat.
I was no longer a virgin now. My virginity bad been taken from me by Speusippus of Turia. When he had grown angry and would seize me and throw me beneath him, making me helpless, he would then, without further ado, imperiously, with little regard for my feelings, have me. Well then was I, held helpless and penetrated, reminded who held the final power. In these assaults on me, of which there had been three, I was firmly and fixedly had. On the other hand, in spite, of his clear conquest of me, and my physical and psychological acknowledgement of this fact, I did not feel as much as I had thought I might. Perhaps this was because he had taken too little time with my body. On the other band, I was excited and aroused, just from serving him. For example, my body had received him swiftly and obediently. Too, I responded emotionally and psychologically, in a rather global sense, to what he had done to me.
The last time, however, I had been frightened, for that time I had begun to sense, deep within me, terrifying me, something that began to hint at what might be the nature of a slave's yielding. I now lay in the trunk, in the darkness, helpless, finishing the piece of meat. No longer was I a virgin. I had now been opened, as the Goreans might say, for the uses of men. Speusippus of Turia had done it to me. I finished the meat. I was uneasy and restless in my small prison. I tried to thrust from my mind the memory of that insinuative, incipient sensation, that rudimentary physiological hint, that primitive, inchoate anticipation of what it might be possible for a woman to feel. I must never permit, I vowed, slave fires to be lit in my belly. I began to anticipate how inutterably piteous and helpless they might make a woman. I rubbed my thighs together. I did know I wanted to have more experiences of the sort I had had tonight. Speusippus of Turia was despicable. He was detestable. Why, then, I asked myself, was I hopeful that I had been pleasing to him, why did I find myself, undeniably, wanting to be pleasing to him? He was even going to shear me in the morning. I wondered why he was going to do that. Perhaps it had to do with his vengeance on me. Too, perhaps he was greedy, and was eager for even the little bit of money my hair might bring him. On the other hand, doubtless he did not want me to be recognized. Shearing would presumably help to prevent that. It might be a good idea to be sheared.
At any rate, the decision was his, not mine. He knew my secret. He knew who I was. He, therefore, could do with me as he pleased.
Similarly I, though a, free woman, because of this power he held over me, must serve him as a slave. I clenched my fists, angrily, in the trunk.
I was suddenly almost overcome with the humiliation of what was being done to me. I was 'not a slave! I was a free woman! Yet I must serve him as a slave! How rich, how glorious, was his vengeance on the Tatrix of Corcyrus. In the morning, he would even shear her like a slut!
I suddenly cried out with rage and struck at the insides of the trunk.
Speusippus, awakened, came over to the trunk, and, frightening me, beat on its top with something heavy, perhaps a staff or club.
'Be silent in there,' he said, 'or I will pour two inches of water through the air holes.'
'Yes, Master!' I cried. 'Forgive me'. Master!' The sound of the object beating on the trunk had been fearfully magnified inside it. I had been almost overwhelmed by the sound. I had tried to cover my ears with my hands. My ears still hurt.
I now lay shuddering on the blanket in the bottom of the trunk. How absurd my outburst had been.
What a fool I was. Did I not know I was in his power? What did I need to convince myself of that, a marked thigh and a band of steel, which I could not remove, locked on my neck?
I lay there on the blanket. I lifted it, briefly, about my face and nose. I inhaled deeply. Yes, there was the smell of other bodies on it, bodies probably as small, and soft and curved as mine. But those bodies, I suspected, had worn brands and had bad their necks encircled with collars. Slaves, doubtless, had lain here. Now it was my turn, that of the Tatrix of Corcyrus. I smoothed out the blanket and paid close attention to its texture and the feel of it against my cheek and body. The sweat and odors which I might leave in this cloth, I thought, would probably not differ much from those of my predecessors. I might be free but here, in this confinement, it would do me no good. Here I, the Tatrix of Corcyrus, doubtless to the amusement of Speusippus, would squirm, and sweat and stink no differently from a slave. Indeed, from the point of view of a new occupant, any lingering traces of my sojourn here would doubtless be interpreted as indicating the earlier tenancy of merely another slave, no different from others.
I felt the blanket lightly with my finger tips.
It excited me, somehow, that I lay where slaves had lain. I touched my neck. I wondered what it would feel like to feel a collar there, and know that I belonged to someone.
I remembered serving Speusippus and then, quickly, I tried to force from my mind the memory of that incipient sensation which, in his third having of me, I had started to feel. I twisted in the trunk. I was restless. I moaned.
I was the Tatrix of Corcyrusl And yet I had been worked like a slave, and used like a slave, and had served as a slave!
I had been degraded and humiliated. I was a free woman. I was not a slave! I was not a slavel I remembered the sensation I had begun to feel. I moaned, from somewhere deep within me.
I touched the inside of the front side of the trunk with my finger tips. I had done this on a thought. Sure enough, as I had thought might be the case, I felt there the furrowing of fingernails. I then lay back in the trunk, on my back, my knees up. I had heard of such things. The marks did not seem to be connected with any desperate effort at escape.
They seemed more like the helpless scratchings of a woman in frustration. One or more women, I suspected, at one or more times in the past, had crouched inside this trunk scratching at its interior wall, perhaps whining to be released, [hat they might serve the pleasure of Speusippus of Turia. How horrifying to be so much at the mercy of men, I thought.
I then, in terror, tried to force the memory of that rudimentary sensation, that merest hint of a sensation, from my mind.
I am not a slave!' I told myself. 'I am not a slavel'
I lay then again on my side on the blanket. I hoped that Speusippus was not displeased with me. I must try to please him better, I thought.
20 The Stream; The Stone
I knelt on a flat rock near the side of a small stream, pounding and rinsing a tunic. This one belonged to Speusippus. There were other girls, too, along the banks of the stream. It was a campsite about twenty pasangs west of the Viktel Aria. There were several wagons back from the stream, including that of Speusippus. Two slave girls, naked, stood downstream, splashing and pouring water on themselves, washing. I rinsed the tunic of Speusippus and took up another, one of several which were thrown there, beside me. He had, as at the previous campsite, volunteered my services as a laundress generally to men who did not have slaves with them. For my services he received small gratuities, such as tarsk bits and swigs of paga. It amused him putting me, the Tatrix of Corcyrus, to work in this fashion. He did not, interestingly enough, similarly make me available for more general
