White Teeth

‘A bacon sandwich.’

At the sound of the word ‘bacon’, a few ears began to twitch at the front tables.

‘If you could keep your voice down a little…’

‘A bacon sandwich,’ whispered Magid.

‘Bacon. Right. Well, I’ll have to nip next door, ’cos I ain’t got none at present… but you just sit down wiv your dad and I’ll bring it over. It’ll cost a bit more, like. What wiv the extra effort, you know. But don’t worry, I’ll bring it over. And tell Archie not to worry if he ain’t got the cash. A Luncheon Voucher will do.’

‘You are very kind, Michael. Take one of these.’ Magid reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of folded paper.

‘Oh, fuck me, another leaflet? You can’t fucking move – pardon my French – but you can’t move for leaflets in Norf London these days. My brother Abdul-Colin’s always loading me wiv ’em an’ all. But seein’ as it’s you… go on, hand it over.’

‘It’s not a leaflet,’ said Magid, collecting his knife and fork from the tray. ‘It is an invitation to a launch.’

‘You what?’ said Mickey excitedly (in the grammar of his daily tabloid, launch meant lots of cameras, expensive-looking birds with huge tits, red carpets). ‘Really?’

Millat passed him the invite. ‘Incredible things are to be seen and heard there.’

‘Oh,’ said Mickey, disappointed, eyeing the expensive piece of card. ‘I’ve heard about this bloke and his mouse.’ He had heard about this bloke and his mouse in this same tabloid; it was a kind of filler between the tits and the more tits and it was underneath the byline: ONE BLOKE AND HIS MOUSE.

‘Seems a bit dodgy to me, messing wiv God an’ all that. ’Sides I ain’t that scientifically minded, you see. Go right over my head.’

‘Oh, I don’t think so. One just has to look at the thing from a perspective that interests you personally. Take your skin, for example.’

‘I wish somebody would fuckin’ take it,’ joked Mickey amiably. ‘I’ve ’ad a-fucking-nuff of it.’

Magid did not smile.

‘You suffer from a serious endocrine disorder. By which I mean, it is not simply adolescent acne caused by the over-excretion of sebum, but a condition that comes from a hormonal defect. I presume your family share it?’

‘Er… yeah, as it happens. All my brothers. And my son, Abdul-Jimmy. All spotty bastards.’

‘But you would not like it if your son were to pass on the condition to his sons.’

‘Obviously, no. I ’ad terrible trouble in school. I carry a knife to this day, Magid. But I can’t see how that can be avoided, to be honest with you. Been goin’ on for decades.’

‘But you see,’ said Magid (and what an expert he was at the personal interest angle!), ‘it can certainly be avoided. It would be perfectly simple and much misery would be saved. That is the kind of thing we will be discussing at the launch.’

‘Oh, well, if that’s the case, you know, count me in. I thought it was just some bloody mutant-mouse or sommink, you see. But if that’s the case…’

‘Thirty-first of December,’ said Magid, before walking down the aisle to his father. ‘It will be wonderful to see you there.’

‘You took your time,’ said Archie, as Magid approached their table.

‘Did you come by way of the Ganges?’ inquired Samad irritably, shifting up to make space for him.

‘Pardon me, please. I was just speaking with your friend, Michael. A very decent chap. Oh, before I forget, Archibald, he said that it would be perfectly acceptable to pay in Luncheon Vouchers this evening.’

Archie almost choked on a little toothpick he was chewing on. ‘He said what? Are you sure?’

‘Quite sure. Now, Abba, shall we begin?’

‘There’s nothing to begin,’ growled Samad, refusing to look him in the eye. ‘I am afraid we are already far into whatever diabolic plot fate has in store for me. And I want you to know, that I am not here of my own volition but because your mother begged me to do this and because I have more respect for that poor woman than either you or your brother ever had.’

Magid released a wry, gentle smile. ‘I thought you were here because Amma beat you in the wrestling.’

Samad scowled. ‘Oh yes, ridicule me. My own son. Do you never read the Qur’an? Do you not know the duties a son owes to his father? You sicken me, Magid Mubtasim.’

‘Oi, Sammy, old man,’ said Archie, playing with the ketchup, trying to keep things light. ‘Steady on.’

‘No, I will not steady on! This boy is a thorn in my foot.’

‘Surely “side”?’

‘Archibald, stay out of this.’

Archie returned his attention to the pepper and salt cellars, trying to pour the former into the latter.

‘Right you are, Sam.’

‘I have a message to deliver and I will deliver it and no more. Magid, your mother wants you to meet with Millat. The woman Chalfen will arrange it. It is their opinion that the two of you must talk.’

‘And what is your opinion, Abba?’

‘You don’t want to hear my opinion.’

‘On the contrary, Abba, I would very much like to hear it.’

‘Simply, I think it is a mistake. I think you two can do no possible good for each other. I think you should go to opposite corners of the earth. I think I have been cursed with two sons more dysfunctional than Mr Cain and Mr Abel.’

‘I am perfectly willing to meet with him, Abba. If he will meet with me.’

‘Apparently he is willing, this is what I am told. I don’t know. I don’t talk with him any more than I talk with you. I am too busy at the moment trying to make my peace with God.’

‘Er…’ said Archibald, crunching on his toothpick out of hunger and nerves, and because Magid gave him the heebie-jeebies, ‘I’ll go and see if the food is ready, shall I? Yes. I’ll do that. What am I picking up for you, Madge?’

‘A bacon sandwich, please, Archibald.’

‘Bac -? Er… right. Right you are.’

Samad’s face blew up like one of Mickey’s fried tomatoes. ‘So you mean to mock me, is that it? In front of my face you wish to show me the kaffir that you are. Go on, then! Munch on your pig in front of me! You are so bloody clever, aren’t you? Mr Smarty-pants. Mr white- trousered Englishman with his stiff- upper-lip and his big white teeth. You know everything, even enough to escape your own judgement day.’

‘I am not so clever, Abba.’

‘No, no, you are not. You are not half as clever as you think. I don’t know why I bother to warn you, but I do: you are on a direct collision course with your brother, Magid. I keep my ear to the ground, I hear Shiva talking in the restaurant. And there are others: Mo Hussein-Ishmael, Mickey’s brother, Abdul-Colin, and his son, Abdul-Jimmy – these are only a few, there are many more, and they are organizing against you. Millat is with them. Your Marcus Chalfen has stirred a great deal of anger and there are some, these green-ties, who are willing to act. Who are crazy enough to do what they believe is right. Crazy enough to start a war. There aren’t many people like that. Most of us just follow along once war has been announced. But some people wish to bring things to a head. Some people march on to the parade ground and fire the first shot. Your brother is one of them.’