doesn’t want the amount of chilli he thinks he wants. Outside the doors of the Palace he was a masturbator, a bad husband, an indifferent father, with all the morals of an Anglican. But inside here, within these four green and yellow paisley walls, he was a one-handed genius.
‘Shiva! Flower missing. Here.’
It was two weeks into Samad’s New Deal and an average Friday afternoon at the Palace, setting up.
‘You’ve missed this vase, Shiva!’
Shiva wandered over to examine the empty, pencil-thin, aquamarine vase on table nineteen.
‘And there is some lime pickle afloat in the mango chutney in the sauce carousel on table fifteen.’
‘Really?’ said Shiva drily. Poor Shiva; nearly thirty now; not so pretty; still here. It had never happened for him, whatever he thought was going to happen for him. He did leave the restaurant, Samad remembered vaguely, for a short time in 1979 to start up a security firm, but ‘nobody wanted to hire Paki bouncers’ and he had come back, a little less aggressive, a little more despairing, like a broken horse.
‘Yes, Shiva. Really and truly.’
‘And that’s what’s driving you crazy, is it?’
‘I wouldn’t go as far as to say crazy, no… it is
‘Because something,’ interrupted Shiva, ‘has got right up your arse recently. We’ve all noticed it.’
‘We?’
‘Us. The boys. Yesterday it was a grain of salt in a napkin. The day before Gandhi wasn’t hung straight on the wall. The past week you’ve been acting like Fuhrer-gee,’ said Shiva nodding in Ardashir’s direction. ‘Like a crazy man. You don’t smile. You don’t eat. You’re constantly on everybody’s case. And when the head waiter’s not all there it puts everybody off. Like a football captain.’
‘I am certain I do not know to what you are referring,’ said Samad, tight-lipped, passing him the vase.
‘And I’m certain you do,’ said Shiva provocatively, placing the empty vase back on the table.
‘If I am concerned about something, there is no reason why it should disrupt my work here,’ said Samad, becoming panicked, passing him back the vase. ‘I do not wish to inconvenience others.’
Shiva returned the vase to the table once more. ‘So there
Samad looked up suddenly at Shiva, and Shiva saw he was sweating, that he seemed almost dazed. ‘Yes, yes… there is… something.’
Shiva put his hand on Samad’s shoulder. ‘So why don’t we sod the fucking carnation and go and cook you a curry – sun’ll be down in twenty minutes. Come on, you can tell Shiva all about it. Not because I give a fuck, you understand, but I have to work here too and you’re driving me mad, mate.’
Samad, oddly touched by this inelegant offer of a listening ear, laid down his pink swans and followed Shiva into the kitchens.
‘Animal, vegetable, mineral?’
Shiva stood at a work surface and began chopping a breast of chicken into perfect cubes and dousing them in corn flour.
‘Pardon me?’
‘Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?’ repeated Shiva impatiently. ‘The thing that’s bothering you.’
‘Animal, mainly.’
‘Female?’
Samad dropped on to a nearby stool and hung his head.
‘Female,’ Shiva concluded. ‘Wife?’
‘The shame of it, the pain of it will come to my wife, but no… she is not the cause.’
‘Another bird. My specialist subject.’ Shiva performed the action of rolling a camera, sang the theme to
Samad cut in, disgusted. ‘I am not… making love to her.’
‘I’ve started so I’ll finish: shall I go to hell? Answer-’
‘Enough. Forget it. Please, forget that I mentioned anything of this.’
‘Do you want aubergine in this?’
‘No… green peppers are sufficient.’
‘Alrighty,’ said Shiva, throwing a green pepper up in the air and catching it on the tip of his knife. ‘One Chicken Bhuna coming up. How long’s it been going on, then?’
‘Nothing is going on. I met her only once. I barely know her.’
‘So: what’s the damage? A grope? A snog?’
‘A handshake, only. She is my sons’ teacher.’
Shiva tossed the onions and peppers into hot oil. ‘You’ve had the odd stray thought. So what?’
Samad stood up. ‘It is more than stray thoughts, Shiva. My whole body is mutinous, nothing will do what I tell it. Never before have I been subjected to such physical indignities. For example: I am constantly-’
‘Yeah,’ said Shiva, indicating Samad’s crotch. ‘We noticed that too. Why don’t you do the five-knuckle-shuffle before you get to work?’
‘I do… I am… but it makes no difference. Besides, Allah forbids it.’
‘Oh, you should never have got religious, Samad. It don’t suit you.’ Shiva wiped an onion-tear away. ‘All that guilt’s not healthy.’
‘It is not guilt. It is fear. I am fifty-seven, Shiva. When you get to my age, you become… concerned about your faith, you don’t want to leave things too late. I have been corrupted by England, I see that now – my children, my wife, they too have been corrupted. I think maybe I have made the wrong friends. Maybe I have been frivolous. Maybe I have thought intellect more important than faith. And now it seems this final temptation has been put in front of me. To punish me, you understand. Shiva, you know about women. Help me. How can this feeling be possible? I have known of the woman’s existence for no more than a few months, I have spoken to her only once.’
‘As you said: you’re fifty-seven. Mid-life crisis.’
‘Mid-life? What does this mean?’ snapped Samad irritably. ‘Dammit, Shiva, I don’t plan to live for one hundred and fourteen years.’
‘It’s a
‘I am at a moral crossroads in my life and you are talking nonsense to me.’
‘You’ve got to learn this stuff, mate,’ said Shiva, speaking slowly, patiently. ‘Female organism, gee-spot, testicle cancer, the menstropause – mid-life crisis is one of them. Information the modern man needs at his fingertips.’
‘But I don’t wish for such information!’ cried Samad, standing up and pacing the kitchen. ‘That is precisely the point! I don’t wish to be a modern man! I wish to live as I was always meant to! I wish to return to the East!’
‘Ah, well… we all do, don’t we?’ murmured Shiva, pushing the peppers and onion around the pan. ‘I left when I was three. Fuck knows I haven’t made anything of this country. But who’s got the money for the
