from the menu.
1980 Momentous year. Abdul-Mickey takes over O’Connell’s. Institutes underground gambling room to make up for the money lost on sausages. Two large pool tables are used: the ‘Death’ table and the ‘Life’ table. All those who want to play for money play on the ‘Death’ table. All those who object for religious reasons or because out of pocket play on the friendly ‘Life’ table. Scheme a great success. Samad and Archie play on the ‘Death’ table.
December 1980 Archie gets highest ever recorded score on pinball: 51,998 points.
1981 Archie finds unwanted cut-out of Viv Richards on Selfridges shop floor and brings it to O’Connell’s. Samad asks to have his great-grandfather Mangal Pande’s picture on the wall. Mickey refuses, claiming his ‘eyes are too close together’.
1982 Samad stops playing on the ‘Death’ table for religious reasons. Samad continues to petition for the picture’s installation.
31 October 1984 Archie wins ?268.72 on the ‘Death’ table. Buys beautiful new set of Pirelli tyres for clapped-out car.
New Year’s Eve 1989, 10.30 p.m. Samad finally persuades Mickey to hang portrait. Mickey still thinks it ‘puts people off their food’.
‘I still think it puts people off their food. And on New Year’s Eve. I’m sorry, mate. No offence meant. ’Course my opinion’s not the fucking word of God, as it were, but it’s still my opinion.’
Mickey attached a wire round the back of the cheap frame, gave the dusty glass a quick wipe-down with his apron, and reluctantly placed the portrait on its hook above the oven.
‘I mean, he’s so bloody
‘No, no, no. It wasn’t unusual, then, for men to wear jewellery.’
Mickey was dubious, giving Samad the look he gave to people who claimed to have got no game of pinball for their 50p and came seeking a refund. He got out from behind the counter and took a look at the picture from this new angle. ‘What d’you think, Arch?’
‘Good,’ said Archie solidly. ‘I think:
‘Please. I would consider it a great personal favour if you would allow it to stay.’
Mickey tilted his head to one side and then the other. ‘As I said, I don’t mean no offence or nothing, I just think he looks a bit bloody
‘That is the only one that survives. I would consider it a great personal favour, very great.’
‘Well…’ ruminated Mickey, flipping an egg over, ‘you being a regular, as it were, and you going on about it so bloody much, I suppose we’ll have to keep it. How about a public survey? What d’you think Denzel? Clarence?’
Denzel and Clarence were sitting in the corner as ever, their only concession to New Year’s Eve a few pieces of mangy tinsel hanging off Denzel’s trilby and a feathered kazoo sharing mouth space with Clarence’s cigar.
‘Was dat?’
‘I said, what d’you think of this bloke Samad wants up? It’s his grandfather.’
‘
‘You kyan see me playing dominoes? You tryin’ to deprive an ol’man of his pleasure? What picture?’ Denzel grudgingly turned to look at it. ‘Dat? Hmph! I don’ like it. He look like one of Satan’s crew!’
‘He a relative of you?’ squeaked Clarence to Samad in his woman’s voice. ‘Dat explain much, my friend, much! He got some face like a donkey’s pum-pum.’
Denzel and Clarence exploded into their dirty laughter. ‘Nuff to put my belly off its digesting, true sur!’
‘There you are!’ exclaimed Mickey, victorious, turning back to Samad. ‘Puts the clientele off their food – that’s what I said right off.’
‘Assure me you are not going to listen to those two.’
‘I don’t know…’ Mickey twisted and turned in front of his cooking; hard thought always enlisted the involuntary help of his body. ‘I respect you and that, and you was mates with my dad, but – no disrespect or nuffin’ – you’re getting a bit fucking long-in-the-tooth, Samad mate, some of the younger customers might not-’
‘
‘Yeah, point taken… but the customer is always right, if you get my drift.’
Samad was genuinely hurt. ‘
‘Yeah, but it’s the majority wot counts, innit? On most other fings I defer, as it were, to your opinion. The lads call you “The Professor” and, fair dues, it’s not without cause. I am a respecter of your judgement, six days out of every seven. But bottom line is: if you’re one captain and the rest of the crew wants a bloody mutiny, well… you’re fucked, aren’t you?’
Mickey sympathetically demonstrated the wisdom of this in his frying pan, showing how twelve mushrooms could force one mushroom over the edge and on to the floor.
With the cackles of Denzel and Clarence still echoing in his ears, a current of anger worked its way through Samad and rose to his throat before he was able to stop it.
‘Give it to me!’ He reached over the counter to where Mangal Pande was hanging at a melancholy angle above the stove. ‘I should never have asked… it would be a dishonour, it would cast into
‘You what?’
‘Give it to me!’
‘Now look… wait a minute-’
Mickey and Archie reached out to stop him, but Samad, distressed and full of the humiliations of the decade, kept struggling to overcome Mickey’s strong blocking presence. They tussled for a bit, but then Samad’s body went limp and, covered in a light film of sweat, he surrendered.
‘Look, Samad,’ and here Mickey touched Samad’s shoulders with such affection that Samad thought he might weep. ‘I didn’t realize it was such a bloody big deal for you. Let’s start again. We’ll leave the picture up for a week and see how it goes, right?’
‘Thank you, my friend.’ Samad pulled out a handkerchief and drew it over his forehead. ‘It is appreciated. It is appreciated.’
Mickey gave him a conciliatory pat between the shoulder blades. ‘Fuck knows, I’ve heard enough about him over the years. We might as well ’ave him up on the bloody wall. It’s all the same to me, I suppose. Comme-See-Comme-Sar, as the Frogs say. I mean, bloody
Samad looked deep into his great-grandfather’s eyes. They had been through this battle many times, Samad and Pande, the battle for the latter’s reputation. Both knew all too well that modern opinion on Mangal Pande weighed in on either side of two camps:
Again and again he had argued the toss with Archie over this issue. Over the years they had sat in O’Connell’s and returned to the same debate, sometimes with new information gleaned from Samad’s
