down her uncle's dealer.
'I'm sorry I can't help you,' Charlotte said softly.
Lena shrugged off the apology. 'Why do you think Hank's using again?'
'Who knows?' she answered, picking at an invisible spot on her skirt. 'Maybe he's just tired of feeling things.'
She sounded like someone who knew what she was talking about. And, of course, Lena knew the truth behind her words. 'I found your letters.'
Charlotte laughed again, but this time there was no joy in the sound. She looked at her hands, then the floor – anything but Lena. 'I suppose you read them?'
'I wish I hadn't,' Lena admitted.
Charlotte let out a slow stream of air between her lips. 'There were so many things I said in those letters. Things I've never told anyone.'
'You tried to kill yourself.'
She nodded and shrugged at the same time.
'Why?' Lena asked. 'If you're so miserable here-'
'What, just leave?'
'Yeah.'
'It's so easy for you,' Charlotte began. 'You don't have kids or a house you worked on making a home or a husband who loves you so much he's willing to give up everything or…' She stopped herself, reining in her emotions. 'I love my husband. I really, really do. I can't tell you what my life would be without Larry. He's stood by me through all this crap I've dragged my family through. Even when I…' Her voice trailed off. 'When I took those pills, he was there. He's the one who called the ambulance. He was the first one I saw when I woke up in the hospital. He took a leave of absence from work even though it cost him a promotion. He cleaned the house and fed the kids and did the shopping and at night he worked part-time at the God-awful motel so we could afford for me to keep seeing the therapist. He did everything while I laid up in bed feeling sorry for myself.'
'Six years ago,' Lena recalled from the letters. 'When Sibyl died.'
Charlotte gave a weak smile. 'You know, it wasn't even about her. I mean, yes, of course I was devastated. She wasn't just dead, but the way she
died just made it so much more awful.' She stopped, collecting herself. 'Sibby was so gentle, and for her to go that way…'
Lena didn't want to think about it, to remember the details. 'I understand,' she said. 'You know I understand.'
'It made me look at how my life had just happened without me even paying attention. Did that happen to you, Lee?'
Lena had never thought about it, but she guessed that it had.
'Suddenly, I was this grown-up married woman, driving a minivan and trying to coordinate picking up my kids from soccer practice between finding time to cook dinner and scheduling a date-night with my husband.'
Lena felt claustrophobic just listening to the description, but she felt the need to say, 'That doesn't sound so bad.'
'Exactly,' Charlotte agreed. 'Here I was in this perfect life, and all I could think about was that if I had to go to one more church potluck or softball game, I was going to kill myself. And one morning, I woke up and decided to follow through.'
'Does your husband know about Sibyl?'
'Larry knew we were close, but not anything more than that.' She finally looked up at Lena. 'I think it would destroy him if he knew. Not for the reason you're thinking, but because he knows… he knows something is missing and he tries so hard to…'
'Did you talk to your therapist about it?'
'The Christian therapist who's also the minister at our church?' Sarcasm clipped Charlotte 's words. 'Oh, yeah. We talked it out and he prayed for me and Jesus took it away like magic' Tears fell from her eyes. 'It's my cross to bear, Lena. Make your bed and lie in it, right?'
'But, if you-'
She shook her head stubbornly. 'If Larry found out, he would be devastated. I can't do that to him. You have to understand that I really, really love him. He could deal with just about anything -another man, even – but this, this is something he can't compete with, and it would just kill him.'
Lena tried to tread carefully. 'Does he need to compete with it?'
Charlotte gave her a sharp look. 'You mean was it all just a
'I know,' Lena said, because it sounded like what Charlotte needed to hear.
'I've been with other men, Lee. It's not like I just haven't met the right one.'
'I'm sorry,' Lena apologized. 'I wasn't saying that.'
Charlotte looked at her hands. Her wedding ring was a rock, glittering in the crappy trailer. A man didn't buy a woman a ring like that unless he was head over heels in love. She told Lena, 'When Larry and I first started dating, he knew that I was getting over someone. He just didn't know it was a woman.'
Lena had been the sighted one, but she'd ended up being more blind than her sister. Sitting in Hank's shack of an office, reading Charlotte 's deepest feelings, Lena had remembered all the times Sibyl had shut the door to their room, asking Lena to leave her and Charlotte alone so that they could study. Lena had never guessed exactly what they had been studying.
For years, Lena had blamed Sibyl's lesbianism on Nan Thomas, the woman she had been living with when she died. It had taken a long time for Lena to accept that her sister's sexuality was not going to change. Lena had even developed a kind of friendship with Nan. Somewhere in the back of her mind, though, Lena had still thought of Sibyl as some innocent who had unwittingly been plucked from the straight world. If it had started as far back as Charlotte Warren, then her whole notion of why Sibyl had changed was thrown out the window.
The truth was that Sibyl hadn't changed at all. She had always been that way, only Lena had been too stupid to see it.
Lena asked, 'Does your husband know that you're in AA?'
'It's kind of hard to hide when you get suspended from your job for being drunk.' She laughed, though there was nothing funny about what she was saying. 'This was back when I was in the building instead of stuck out here in the trailer park. I fell flat on my face in full view of the newspaper staff. If it wasn't for Swallowin' Sue I would've lost my job.' She smiled. I guess you could argue that it was the middle of the year and it's nearly impossible to find anyone who's willing to teach anymore, but I like to think she let me continue teaching because she believes in me.'
'You're acting like this is all some kind of joke.'
'Oh, Lee. If I didn't laugh about it, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning.'
'Why did you start drinking?'
'Because it was a slower, more socially acceptable way to kill myself.' She added, 'And it helped anesthetize me. I didn't want to feel anything.'
'That's the same thing you just said about Hank.'
'Yes. It is.' Charlotte 's throat worked. Now that she was looking at
