Skin Privilege

'You hit me sometimes, too.'

Lena 's throat started to close, making it hard to breathe. She had hit him. She hadn't just rolled over and taken it. Sometimes she had even started the fights herself.

I loved you,' Ethan said. 'I loved you, and this is what you did to me.'

She found her voice. 'Did you love Evelyn Johnson, too?'

The silence between them was different this time, and when she dared look at his face, he was looking down at his chained wrists.

She said, 'You never told me she was black.'

'You never asked.'

They were talking like normal people now and it set Lena 's teeth on edge. She tried to keep reminding herself of who he really was, but all she kept coming back to was the person sitting in front of her, his eyes down, his shoulders slouched. She had loved him. She could not get around the fact that she had loved him.

She asked, 'What happened with her?'

'Are you recording this?'

'What do you think?'

He was staring at her again and Lena felt trapped in his gaze, unable to break the contact.

'Unbutton your blouse.'

'Fuck you.'

He raised his eyebrow. 'You did, baby.' The smile on his face was familiar – the old Ethan was coming out to play. 'Unbutton your blouse. Let me see if you're wired.'

'I told you I'm not.'

'I'm supposed to take you at your word?' His lips twisted into a grin. 'No dice, Lee. Last time I trusted you, I ended up in here. Show me you're not wired or I'll call the monkey back to take me to my cage.'

She fumbled with the top button, trying to make her fingers work. She looked at the door as she did this, as if she was afraid the guard would come through at any moment. She'd been sweating in the small room, and the air was cool on her skin as she opened the blouse to her waist.

'No wires,' she told him. 'Satisfied?'

He shrugged, the smile making her blood freeze in her veins.

Lena started to button back her blouse, but he wouldn't let it go at that.

'You still look good.'

She couldn't get the buttons to fasten because her hands were trembling.

'You know how many nights I've jerked myself raw thinking about fucking you?'

She gave up, clasping the blouse closed. Her voice shook. 'Why have you been calling Hank?'

'Open your shirt again.'

'No.'

'Open it up and I'll tell you whatever you want to know.'

'No.'

He made to stand. 'Then call the guard, because I've got nothing else to say.'

'Ethan-'

'Hey!' he called, his loud voice echoing in the cramped room. 'Guard!'

'Shut up,' she hissed, as if she'd ever been able to stop him from doing anything.

He smiled again, that same smile he used to give before he beat the shit out of her. He pointed his finger at her, indicating that she should open her blouse.

She could barely speak. Tears blurred her vision. 'Tell me why you've been calling Hank.'

'You know the trade. Tit for tat.'

Lena glared at him, furious with him, furious with herself. He was the one in chains. He was the one bolted to the wall. Yet, she was the one who felt imprisoned.

'Open,' he coaxed.

Her hands shook as she slowly parted her blouse. She was wearing an old bra, black with lace and a clasp in the middle.

He said, 'Bra, too.'

'No.'

He knew her so well – knew when to keep pushing and when to pull back. He said, 'Spread your shoulders.'

She looked at the door, put her shoulders back like he said.

.'Jesus, you look so good.' Ethan leaned as far forward as the chains would allow. His hands were under the table, and she kept her face turned away, staring at the metal door, trying not to listen to what he was doing.

He let out a low groan as he finished. She heard him zip himself up, sit back in the chair. She pulled her blouse closed, trying not to imagine the satisfied look on his ugly face.

'Tell me something,' he said. 'Just out of curiosity, when you called your boss that morning after I left, were you sitting down or standing?'

Lena shook her head.

'Come on, baby. Sitting or standing?'

She shook her head again as the day came back to her. His hand muffling the scream in her throat as he slammed her down on the bed. Forcing back her revulsion when she kissed him good-bye and told him to have a good day at work.

Lena forced herself to speak. 'What does it matter?'

'I want to know,' he insisted. 'When you sent me into this hellhole for ten years of my life, were you sitting in the bed where I just fucked you, or were you standing beside it?'

She suppressed a shudder as his words recalled the sensation. 'You got what you wanted,' she told him, her hands steady now as she buttoned her blouse. 'Tell me why you've been trying to get in touch with Hank.'

'All right,' he said, leaning forward. 'Come here.'

She leaned forward, waited.

The smile on his face should have been her first warning, but she was still surprised when the sound of his laughter filled the room. 'You stupid bitch,' he said, shaking his head as if he could not believe how hilarious the situation was. 'Do you think I'm gonna tell you anything?' Abruptly, the laughter stopped. 'Get the fuck out of here. You make me sick.'

Lena was stunned by her own stupidity. 'You said-'

He slammed his hands down on the table, the chains clanging against the steel. 'I said get the fuck out ofhere, bitch.'

Lena grabbed the records in front of her as she stood, backing up until she felt the wall behind her.

He looped his arm over the back of his chair, a satisfied smile on his